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"Celebrating" the first anniversary after DDay - what to do?

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NeedingAdvice posted 2/26/2014 02:29 AM

So its our 21st wedding anniversary tomorrow, and we are trying so hard to make everything feel right again but at only 4 months in from DDay, it still feels weird. I read so many anniversary cards before I could find one I could live with.

Any advice on how to deal with this celebration? Do I pretend that everything is OK and do what we usually do?

lovehatelove posted 2/26/2014 03:53 AM

Needingadvice ~ for me, it would be difficult to pretend everything is okay.. emotions are difficult to control when they involve betrayal...

i would just do what feels right in your heart... tell your husband if you do get sad.. and hopefully he's able to comfort you and reassure you..

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/26/2014 08:35 AM

If it were me, I'd let him know he's going to need to pull off the gift of the century just to thank me for still BEING with his sorry ass after 21 years.

LOL. I'm serious. I would.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:36 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

Lucky2HaveMe posted 2/26/2014 13:49 PM

^^^ Well, since it IS you, by all means tell him this. Don't set yourself up for disappointment.

ETA: Oh good grief! I just realized that THAT post was not by the original poster. So it makes absolutely no sense. I would delete, but that is against the rules.

So carry on... don't mind me...

Anniversaries are hard - just don't expect him/her to read your mind. Inasmuch as I wish he could, he can't and I have set myself up for disappointment more than once.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 6:12 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

Arnold01 posted 2/26/2014 14:25 PM

I'm nearly nine months from D-Day and celebrated our first anniversary of our "new life" earlier this week. Even though reconciliation is going well, I had a lot of apprehension going into the day.

My advice is tell your spouse directly how you would like to recognize the day (or not). In my case, because of our kids' schedules we knew we couldn't go out or celebrate or do anything on the actual day. So I told my husband that (a) it was really important to me that we find some date soon to celebrate, and (b) that it was important to me that he acknowledge the day in some way even though we were postponing our night out.

So we picked a date to go out, and he's planning something. And on the actual day, he gave me a lovely card with a personal and heartfelt note (and I did the same for him).

I can relate to your point about the cards - when I went to find one, I spent half an hour in the Walgreen's, crying. My suggestion is to find a simple card - or even a blank one (good advice I got from someone on SI) - and just share how you feel with him. It's awkward and raw, but your speaking to him from the heart will mean a lot. And that approach - even if comfortable - will give you the best shot at being true to yourself and not feeling like you're faking something or trying to manufacture emotions that you're not yet ready to have.

Good luck tomorrow and I'll be thinking of you.

NeedingAdvice posted 2/27/2014 17:54 PM

Thanks everyone. Appreciate the advice.

I must have read your mind Arnold01 because I did go with a fairly simple card which read "To the Man I Would Marry All Over Again" because it was the only one that felt honest. Despite my pain, I have to admit that we have had too much joy - two wonderful children and more fantastic memories that I can count - so there is no way I would ever change my decision to marry him.

We, too, couldn't celebrate yesterday for a variety of scheduling reasons, but we are planning on scheduling something soon. I think maybe I do need to communicate a little more clearly what I would like.

And yesterday was nowhere near as difficult as I had anticipated. It was kind of nice because my husband was so excited about the day. I think he is more appreciative and grateful for this anniversary than any that have come before because it was could have been the anniversary that never was.

Brokenbond13 posted 2/27/2014 21:10 PM

Mine and H's anniversary day is also the DD... It's coming around the corner on March 22 and I honestly am resenting it. How can I celebrate the day I found out he was sleeping with my sister??

Not sure how it will go for me so not much advice..

I am glad things went better than expected for you. :)

NeedingAdvice posted 3/1/2014 00:48 AM

Hey Brokenbond, that sounds rough. I certainly don't have any answers for you on that one. It is hard to imagine that even with a fully successful R, that celebrating your anniversary on that day will ever feel special again (not that I am any expert on these things!).

Perhaps a new "anniversary" will be the answer for you in the future? Finding an alternative date that is still significant but has a more positive memory associated with it might be a better solution.

I'd like to hear what you decide to do and how things work out for you. Sending you hugs.

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