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Not exactly a double betrayal...

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Yakamishi posted 2/26/2014 07:08 AM

Ok, we are in our 18th month. (Jeeze, never thought we'd get this far.:)) But here's the thing: 5 years ago WW started working for my BF who owned a deli. We all had been friends for close to 20 years. WW starts flirting with MOM. I find a late night phone call on her cell and confront her. (Little did I know this was the start of EA and was to be the first of my D Days. I just didn't know it). WW explains it away. I talk to BF and he assures me it's nothing and the the MOM was just some guy that frequents the deli and he's a harmless flirt. I ask BF just to keep an eye on things and let me know if anything develops I should be aware of. (Mind you, I didn't have the education on affairs I have now. If I did....)

At any rate, fast forward five years. WW and MOM had EA, then PA. (Full story in my profile) All is ended. We are happily in reconciliation. WW tells me all about the rampant flirting that when on at the deli. Daily hugs (more like embraces) that went on when OM came in and left. The blatant flirting, back rubs. He even went with her on deliveries. He would come by and leave notes for her when she wasn't there. Buy her scratch tickets. Even would bring in wild flowers for her. This was all right in front of my BF. At one point my BF says to WW, "You know, you are doing things I should be telling your husband about. You should knock it off, you are playing with fire." He even took a cell phone pic of them hugging as a joke. They all laughed and he deleted it. ( I can't help wonder what things would be like if he sent it to me instead). This was all during the EA.

Why on god's green earth didn't he say anything to me?! I'm not blaming him. But I can't help but feel angry. Right after D Day I talked to him about it. (Ironically enough he had gone through something similar when his WW had an OA.) He was really cool about it and we both were supportive for each other. I kinda raised my concern over how this happened with out him telling me and he said, "I never thought she would or even could have an affair." Meaning, because he evaluated it as innocent flirting, he didn't want to disrupt my marriage unnecesarily. Well, for Christ sake, I didn't ask for his god damn assesment. What I asked him was to keep an eye on things and let me know if things developed. And they certainly did now, didn't they. The conversation was brief. And I kinda just played it off as oh well. At the time I was still devestated and BF was like my only port in the storm. I didn't want to alienate what little I had.

So here's my question, this thing is really troubling me. I feel like I need to know what the hell happened over there and what his observations and perspective was. Do I approach him on it? Send him an email? Talk to him in person? Text? I really need closure on this.


Brandon808 posted 2/26/2014 08:20 AM

I may come off a bit harsh but I would be telling him he wasn't quite the friend I hoped he would be. It sounds like he just didn't want to man up and tell you what was going on. His reasons? Don't know and wouldn't care. Irony of it is if he had told you then your WW would have cooled it off around (probably just hide it better) and then he wouldn't have had to witness any of it. His actions come across almost like an unspoken agreement with your WW that he wouldn't say anything to you and that I find most disturbing.

I simply think it would be a mistake to trust someone like that enough to have them be deep enough into your life to share anything personal. Maybe it would be ok to hang out or just do stuff but not really a true friend. I don't think there is anything he could say that I would trust really. jmho

myeverafter posted 2/26/2014 08:20 AM

I am not sure what I would do in that case. I understand your betrayal/anger.

In my case, OBS told me he "knew" something wasn't right between his wife and my fWH for a long time. And they (OBS/his wife) would have fights all the time about it. But he never told me. And we would still do things as couples. I don't know why he didn't distance himself or want to distance themselves from us. (He and fWH were also friends). I confronted fWH during the EA and things just went underground.

In my case, the "friend" is the OBS and there is no such things as being friends again with him. (He also was trying to manipulate me into being a pawn to hurt fWH.)

karmahappens posted 2/26/2014 08:25 AM

Our entire circle of friends knew or suspected.

Not one of them told me.

Today, not one of them are in our circle of friends any longer.

Someone is willing to sit back and watch your marriage be stomped on does not deserve a space in your life.

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