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Sometimes you need to find your boots...and your strength

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karmahappens posted 2/26/2014 07:14 AM

On dday I didn't get the truth. (shocker) I got the we are friends, I am lonely, I kissed her once line.

We were married almost 20 years at this time. My husband's history was really great. Good husband, hard worker, never disrespectful. My trust in him was blind and at the time I felt, warranted.

We probably would have swept it under the rug. I took his story as truth. I was in denial and my heart and head were easily quieted with his story.

A few weeks later he went away for a yearly trip he used to take with another guy to New York. Big car show they liked to see. They had gone the previous 2 years. I was excited for him to go, I needed to take a breath and I knew the guy he was going with was a good FOM.

When he was leaving I started to cry, he was concerned and asked if I wanted him to stay home. I told him it was silly, I was fine. I didn't realize at the time my head and heart were fighting the real truths...

I went to bed that night content, they had gotten to NY fine and we had talked a few times.

Sometime during the night I must have been hit in my sleep with a 2x4. I actually sat straight up and said to myself "you stupid bitch".....and my world crumbled.

Enter crazy. I knew he was in NY with the OW. I just knew it.

I called the OBS and asked "where is your wife" . Plain as day and as trusting as I had been the day before..."at a convention in New Hampshire"

I think I might have laughed, I told him my thoughts and he disagreed. No way, not our spouses...

Once the morning came I called my husband and asked him if he was with her. Of course he lied. He called later and talked for a long time, wouldn't get off the phone. While we talked I was on mapquest, getting directions to the hotel in New York. I didn't tell him my plans. I played nice.

I called my boss told her what was going on (she was wonderful and HAD to have been a BS at some point ) she accepted me and my crazy with no questions and logged me out sick for the weekend.

I got a coffee, a pack of cigarettes and drove like a bat out of hell the 5 hours to New York. I stopped at every rest stop for more coffee and got there sometime around 2 in the morning.

I didn't want or need to confront. I just wanted proof....I wanted to know I wasn't fucking crazy.

I found his hotel and there sat her car.

Relief, anger, sadness...all of it.

I called his phone and left him a message, let him know I was just cruising through the Lake George area. I mentioned how lovely it was and told him he should enjoy his weekend. He would no longer be welcome in our home.

I drove the 5 hours back and hefty bagged his shit...then I went to the Casino and did some Eff you gambling.

It was the one and only time I needed them, but I found my bitchboots that day and let him know I would not be treated like a doormat.

I hadn't found my worth yet, but something inside me wouldn't take it.

Did you have an aha moment? What was the trigger that made you find your strength and acknowledge the truth??

rachelc posted 2/26/2014 07:35 AM

My God, Karma, I had no idea that was your story.

I guess mine was hiring a PI, SEEING FOR MYSELF what he was up to when I caught him on top of OW2 and he couldn't deny a thing. I said I'd file on Monday. I left for the night.

Big eye opener for him. He said he was glad he got caught and he was sick of it.

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:36 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

karmahappens posted 2/26/2014 07:42 AM

It's strange to remember back to those days. I told him he could move in with his parents and left all his crap on their front lawn.

I remember later when talking to my MIL (a few weeks maybe, but before we decided to R I think) and she said she saw all the stuff and knew but couldn't believe he would do that.

She was a huge support. I sat at her table and cried with her for hours. I never would have expected her to help me through this, but she did.

I think this

I guess mine was hiring a PI

Takes guts!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:46 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

DixieD posted 2/26/2014 09:17 AM

Even though we are in R and doing well, I still have dreams where I found out about the affair and hefty bagged his stuff immediately onto the lawn because I really wish I had done it. So good for you, Karma!

My husband and I lived in limbo (hell) for several months. I didn't know about the affair. I just thought our marriage was ending and he had become a complete jackass. The thought crossed my mind and I tried to check out some things but then thought -- nah, not him, he wouldn't do that. Gotta love denial.

I blamed myself for the M ending. At first, I was more worried about him than looking out for myself. I regret that. But really, I did the 180 without knowing what it was, and detached pretty quickly. It saved my sanity. He was a total mind-f@$% to live with. I said things and gave the impression I was done with his crap and he needed to get his shit together.

The agreed upon time of his departure passed and it was clear he wasn't making an effort to actually leave. Instead, he wanted to hang out with me more as I became less interested in being around him or what he was doing. I was losing weight (before losing even more on the infidelity diet), and he started to notice. I took over everything that were traditionally his roles, refused his help, showed I no longer needed him and I was looking forward to living alone.

Finally I said, it's time for you to go now -- and I'm not going to hold your hand and help you find a place to live. You can do that on your own. Time is up.

He confessed shortly after that. Unfortunately all the strides I made with the 180 disappeared while I dealt with the shock. Then when the anger stage came (early), because I found evidence of TT, it was epic and clearly I was done with all of his shit.

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