I don't have any answers, as I have trouble with this as well...
It's not about believing or not believing them. Taking it in would mean making ourselves vulnerable again.
It also could mean that we just don't want to live with their actions in our lives.
Wh words mean nothing to me because of the years of lies. I spent 20+ years trusting him and he spent at least 2+ years lying to me.
Wh words mean nothing to me because of the stupidity of his lies. If he can lie about the really stupid stuff, why would I believe him about anything?
Hopefully someday ----
I just think its all part of working thru the depth of the betrayal. It takes a second to destroy all the meaning/trust in something.....a lifetime to build it back up. My interpretation of what you are saying is that you dont have any empathy for your WH right now. He can say what he did was despicable, horrendous all he wants....but his words are meaningless because of what he did. Right now, the actions are far outweighing the words of remorse. I know for me, it was/is very difficult to find the empathy for my WH. Even 14 months out, it still is difficult at times.
I have experienced the exact same feelings. For me, simply allowing myself to accept that yes, it means nothing right now...and thats OK...made all the difference. For so long, i tried to force myself to feel something. I thought "if i am to try and R, i HAVE to feel this or that". No, you dont. You cant force it. It just has to come. It takes many many months of consistent, solid actions to scratch the surface to begin to regain the trust.
be gentle with yourself. It is Ok to feel what you feel. There is no time frame. Allow yourself the time you need to process and work thru it. You and i both experienced a double betrayal. I know for me personally, that has really affected me and my recovery.
hugs to you.
Sisoon I am not sure what I want him to do differently. I am so lost right now.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
I am a strong believer in words. I believe words have power. My WH gave my love language to someone else. That is why I struggle.
I now need actions to follow his words, because, like you, my WH words mean nothing to me.
I also believe that my WH words will always need to be followed with action. I honestly think that is the price of betrayal.
(P.S. I highly recommend the book to anyone. It opened up my WH's eyes more than anything. It helped him understand why a OEA was more painful to me than a PA due to my love language.)
But it IS different now because you and he come into it now knowing, trying to understand, and open to working it out...that makes a difference and focusing on that will eventually bring you to believing his words and trusting his words with your heart and not just your head...I still struggle with this to be honest!.
It is so hard to be vulnerable again but it seems that is the path to mature love again...and a better love, I think.
In the beginning, and for many, many months I did not care about his nice words or remorse...so my IC said she would keep them for me until I was ready...that helped. Though I knew in my head that his words were heartfelt and true, I did not FEEL it....it took a long time...and still continues ...to really feel and believe and trust that he means what he says....I am believing it more and more as his consistent actions match his words....I am also aware that he is human and may goof up now and again on consistent actions and needs to be gently reminded and appreciated for the little things he does. He sometimes forgets to hug or something little...not because he doesn't care or has "forgotten" what he did, just that he is human, tired from work and simply forgot. Honestly I still feel MAD when he forgets, but I jump to view of the long term goal and let it go at that time...he will remember the next day or later.
ALSO What I can do on my part is acknowledge VERBALLY and that helps him to remember. I found (this is not whether he DESERVES this or not...sometimes I am mad so I do't feel like he does but eyes on the goal...R) and the more he is appreciated, the more he does them and it is win win.
It is very hard at times to appreciated his sincere (and I know in my head he is sincere) efforts verbally to him, but in the end, if he is appreciated, acknowledge a bit for his sincere efforts (whether I FEEL it or not) I will eventually benefit by it and be strengthened by it... BUT I think it takes time to FEEL this benefit...time for the hurt and pain to calm down and FEEL the good feelings he is offering sincerely...it takes time. ugh.
I think one of the hardest things is to do this (acknowledge him) when you are hurting but true marriage takes two....ESPECIALLY at the hardest time to do it...
It is really a tribute to our strength and dedication to mature love and mature marriage that we are somehow able to do this...and don't forget in the end...and there will be an end of the pain and regrets..there will...we both will benefit and be happier....eyes on the goal always.
[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:22 PM, February 28th (Friday)]
I told her, I didn't believe her "I love you" for the first 2 weeks, I came back home. After about a month, I was finally starting to feel and believe her. Until I caught her breaking NC.
Now she's back at square 1, but maybe things have changed this past week. She really believes it changed her when I blew up on her again. And now she just got in counseling. So we'll see.
I still don't really believe anything she tells me at the moment. I do have to verify. On the day I blew up on her, she told me she loves me. I told her, "don't tell me, show me". I think that may have made a big impact to her.
Or I'm just a fool.