Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

User Topic: Why do his words mean nothing to me
Lethealbegin
♀ 32826
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi
He is working hard on himself is remorseful. Does everything he can for me in healing. Takes 100% of the response ability for his actions. As we sit in MC he describes how he feels about what he did to me and what he did to me was so despicable, horrendous , disgusting and etc... But it means nothing to me at all. Why is that? Does that happen to anyone else what should I do?


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 149 | Registered: Jul 2011
lovehatelove
♀ 42541
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lethealbegin ~ I can definitely relate to this feeling! I mean, he lied to me over and over and over... why should I even believe him when he tells me he's sorry??!

It's tough.....

I don't have any answers, as I have trouble with this as well...

(((HUGS)))


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would you like him to do differently?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
UneasyFeelings
♂ 42292
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's just how it is. You've been betrayed. It's a steep hill to climb to build that trust again. I was just starting to believe my WW until I caught her in a lie.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
RippedSoul
♀ 40055
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because he lied to you in so many ways. I still don't completely trust my SAWH; at this point in his recovery, I probably shouldn't. But I watch his actions carefully. I observe what's different. I notice what is new, what behaviors he's changing, how he's responding today compared to how he'd respond two years ago. His actions say A LOT to me. My IC agrees that he's speaking loudly and clearly with the little things he does for me every day. That's what you need to watch. Actions can be untruthful, too, but not as consistently and not as easily. They're a decent barometer of how truthful his accompanying words are.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 478 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
FeelingSoMuch
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. MC says it's normal.

It's not about believing or not believing them. Taking it in would mean making ourselves vulnerable again.

It also could mean that we just don't want to live with their actions in our lives.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As many lies as I have gotten... I don't know that I will ever be able to take his words at face value... I will always need to verify it.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
stunnedin12
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The short answer ---

Wh words mean nothing to me because of the years of lies. I spent 20+ years trusting him and he spent at least 2+ years lying to me.

Wh words mean nothing to me because of the stupidity of his lies. If he can lie about the really stupid stuff, why would I believe him about anything?

Hopefully someday ----


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2013
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think its normal and just part of the process. So many times my WH would say all the same things to me....and i just didnt even care. Sometimes i would even yell at him, tell him he was full of shit.

I just think its all part of working thru the depth of the betrayal. It takes a second to destroy all the meaning/trust in something.....a lifetime to build it back up. My interpretation of what you are saying is that you dont have any empathy for your WH right now. He can say what he did was despicable, horrendous all he wants....but his words are meaningless because of what he did. Right now, the actions are far outweighing the words of remorse. I know for me, it was/is very difficult to find the empathy for my WH. Even 14 months out, it still is difficult at times.


I have experienced the exact same feelings. For me, simply allowing myself to accept that yes, it means nothing right now...and thats OK...made all the difference. For so long, i tried to force myself to feel something. I thought "if i am to try and R, i HAVE to feel this or that". No, you dont. You cant force it. It just has to come. It takes many many months of consistent, solid actions to scratch the surface to begin to regain the trust.

be gentle with yourself. It is Ok to feel what you feel. There is no time frame. Allow yourself the time you need to process and work thru it. You and i both experienced a double betrayal. I know for me personally, that has really affected me and my recovery.

hugs to you.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Lethealbegin
♀ 32826
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for all your replies!!

Sisoon I am not sure what I want him to do differently. I am so lost right now.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 149 | Registered: Jul 2011
Scubachick
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious if you guys share your feelings about this with your spouse...do they know their words mean nothing? When I ask my WH questions or ask for details about the OW and he answers me, I just don't believe him...not even a little bit. It's strange because I can't figure out why I bother asking him in the first place. We were in the car the other day and I was thinking about how much I missed the trust we use to have...how when my husband answered a question of mine that I didn't second guess it, pick his answer apart, over analyze it, have to search through old or deleted texts, emails, calendars trying to verify things. He asked me what was on my mind so I told him and he said he knows he hurt me and betrayed my trust but was surprised and hurt that I said I don't believe anything he says and he kept asking me "not even a little bit" and I said no, anything that has to do with the EA or the OW I do not believe you... not even a little bit". It turned into a fight. I tried to explain that his actions and choices have damaged me and that damage has changed who I am and it's not fair of him to change me and then try to make me feel guilty for or punish me for changing. It blows my mind that after he trickled truthed me for 3 months and watched me fall apart in front of his eyes, that he would think I would believe him now. It just shows me that he really hasn't grasped the level of hurt he has caused me.

Posts: 794 | Registered: Jul 2013
silentscream13
♀ 41693
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure if you are familiar with the book by Gary Chapman The 5 Languages of Love, but one of my main love languages is Words of Affirmation.

I am a strong believer in words. I believe words have power. My WH gave my love language to someone else. That is why I struggle.

I now need actions to follow his words, because, like you, my WH words mean nothing to me.

I also believe that my WH words will always need to be followed with action. I honestly think that is the price of betrayal.

(P.S. I highly recommend the book to anyone. It opened up my WH's eyes more than anything. It helped him understand why a OEA was more painful to me than a PA due to my love language.)


ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13); 4 kids
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (planning it b/f he got caught) w/ EX-GF; extreme porn use our entire relationship.
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
Status: He wants to R. Me? Meh.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

being vulnerable is probably the thinking....when you BELIEVE the words you open yourself up again...you start to trust again...and that is scary because when you did it before you got blindsided.

But it IS different now because you and he come into it now knowing, trying to understand, and open to working it out...that makes a difference and focusing on that will eventually bring you to believing his words and trusting his words with your heart and not just your head...I still struggle with this to be honest!.

It is so hard to be vulnerable again but it seems that is the path to mature love again...and a better love, I think.

In the beginning, and for many, many months I did not care about his nice words or remorse...so my IC said she would keep them for me until I was ready...that helped. Though I knew in my head that his words were heartfelt and true, I did not FEEL it....it took a long time...and still continues ...to really feel and believe and trust that he means what he says....I am believing it more and more as his consistent actions match his words....I am also aware that he is human and may goof up now and again on consistent actions and needs to be gently reminded and appreciated for the little things he does. He sometimes forgets to hug or something little...not because he doesn't care or has "forgotten" what he did, just that he is human, tired from work and simply forgot. Honestly I still feel MAD when he forgets, but I jump to view of the long term goal and let it go at that time...he will remember the next day or later.

ALSO What I can do on my part is acknowledge VERBALLY and that helps him to remember. I found (this is not whether he DESERVES this or not...sometimes I am mad so I do't feel like he does but eyes on the goal...R) and the more he is appreciated, the more he does them and it is win win.

It is very hard at times to appreciated his sincere (and I know in my head he is sincere) efforts verbally to him, but in the end, if he is appreciated, acknowledge a bit for his sincere efforts (whether I FEEL it or not) I will eventually benefit by it and be strengthened by it... BUT I think it takes time to FEEL this benefit...time for the hurt and pain to calm down and FEEL the good feelings he is offering sincerely...it takes time. ugh.

I think one of the hardest things is to do this (acknowledge him) when you are hurting but true marriage takes two....ESPECIALLY at the hardest time to do it...

It is really a tribute to our strength and dedication to mature love and mature marriage that we are somehow able to do this...and don't forget in the end...and there will be an end of the pain and regrets..there will...we both will benefit and be happier....eyes on the goal always.

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:22 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 311 | Registered: Sep 2013
UneasyFeelings
♂ 42292
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scubachick, I've told my WW multiple times I do not believe anything she's telling me anymore.

I told her, I didn't believe her "I love you" for the first 2 weeks, I came back home. After about a month, I was finally starting to feel and believe her. Until I caught her breaking NC.

Now she's back at square 1, but maybe things have changed this past week. She really believes it changed her when I blew up on her again. And now she just got in counseling. So we'll see.

I still don't really believe anything she tells me at the moment. I do have to verify. On the day I blew up on her, she told me she loves me. I told her, "don't tell me, show me". I think that may have made a big impact to her.

Or I'm just a fool.


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.