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15 months out

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Dawn58 posted 2/26/2014 09:33 AM

Good Morning.

Wow, it's been 15 months since my world as I knew it, ended. So abruptly and so very devastating.

I still think about him and what happened daily, but don't dwell on it as long. Still riding the emotions although the lows don't dip as much and I don't stay in it as long.

Mediation is in less than two months. A year ago, the thought of divorce was unacceptable. Now, it is a welcome, inevitable end to my marriage. I don't want a liar and a cheat for a partner. I deserve better.

Last night, I was thinking that my foundation disappeared. For a long time, that thought was frightening to me. Now, it's okay. It's just me right now and I am learning to be okay without a foundation right now. I am still grounded. I don't need him in my life anymore.

Last night, I felt like going to the movies, so I did. Could not have done that before. I am really relishing my freedom and the fact that I am in charge of my life now. For the first time in my life, I feel that and it's wonderful.

I still feel pain and anger over what happened. I still wish the karma bus would park in his front yard. How anyone could hurt and betray someone that loved them with all their heart, I will never understand. I am letting that go, letting him go and embrace this new life. I will finish school in June and hope my divorce is final then. Then, explore all the opportunities life has in store for me. Scary, and exciting.

What was the hardest part of moving on for you?

Dawnie posted 2/26/2014 10:03 AM

The hardest part for me was losing the life that I thought that I had. I had to sell my vacation home and the dream home that we had just bought a year earlier.

On the other hand the easiest and best part of moving on for me was knowing that I was free from the rollercoaster ride of false R and constant anxiety wondering what he was doing. That was priceless, the absolute best feeling in the world. I litterally felt like I had been let out of jail the day I threw the towel in and knew it was time to D.

I would not change my decision to D for the world. I am in such a better life now then I ever thought possible, and you will be there one day too... hang in there...

((Dawn))

HurtsButImOK posted 2/26/2014 11:48 AM

(((Dawn58)))

The whole situation is just a total mind mess. On the one hand good things, on the other pain.

The hardest part for me was two things 1. I thought he was my best friend, 2. I loved his family very much.

I know I am better off with him gone but mourning what I thought I had still hurts. I miss deeply the person I thought he was, even if it wasn't true. I still thought it was for a long time. I try to respect the pain my heart feels even when it annoys my head

gypsybird87 posted 2/26/2014 13:03 PM

Dawn,

Your mention of losing the foundation reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but in her own wings. Always believe in yourself.

I don't know who said this; I found it on fb and love it.

It's hard to say what has been the hardest part of moving on for me. I think it's been different things at different points in the process. Right now, it's probably dealing with the loss of the future I thought I had ahead of me. But slowly I am coming to terms with the fact that while the future isn't going to be what I thought, that doesn't mean it's going to be "worse." It might even be better, who knows. What I do know is that its up to me. Good or bad, it's all up to me. and like you and I have talked about before, that's scary but its also exciting!! Our tree branches are gone but our wings are getting stronger, and we can fly anywhere we want to.

((dawn58))

Wishing so many bright things for your new life ahead!!

FaithFool posted 2/26/2014 15:47 PM

Glad to hear you're doing so well.

Dawn58 posted 2/28/2014 07:04 AM

This time in my life has definitely been a bit of taking the better with the bitter.

I do miss the life I had and it's been difficult letting go of the man I thought I married. I miss loving someone.

I still grapple with trying to figure out why this happened. I know that he is a narcissists, so of course, this was going to happen. I guess I am trying to find the bigger reason why. The reason that in 5 or 10 years, I will see.

For now, I just have to trust that this is part of my journey and that it was ultimately for my good. Can't see that now......

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