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but we were separated?

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widom777 posted 2/26/2014 10:06 AM

I just found out that the Mrs was cheating and it is devastating. We've been married for over 20 years.

The "justification" is even more unbelievable--"we were separated"-- the only problem is she forgot to tell me or I have one of the worst memories of all time. As best as I can determine, she has been living in our house, and sharing our bed for the year this has been going on, not with 1, not with 2 but with 3 different men the last of which is married and is now in recovery for drug abuse.

She also states, she did this for me! She is taking no responsibility for her actions and now blames me for her actions for whatever she can dig up.

Well she has her wish, we are now officially "separated". Let her see what the world is really like out there.

Initially when I suggested a marriage counselor, she said that she didnt know if she had the time--what BS. she has since changed he mind.

I really have no desire to talk to her now and I wonder if I can recover enough to do the work need to mend our broken relationship. There is no trust whatsoever. this sucks.

to update--the Mrs called a mutual friend couple of ours and arranged for us to join them for dinner this Saturday an invitation they immediately accepted. Thereafter the Mrs. e-mailed me an asked me "do u wanna go" I really don't want to be around this train reck but our friends will be coming in from out of town and I have not seen them in a while. They also do not know about our "separation without boundaries " started by the Mrs. What to do?

[This message edited by widom777 at 2:56 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Breezy150 posted 2/26/2014 10:13 AM

I am so sorry that you find yourself here.

Until she is "all in" and shows remorse, I don't think there is anything you can do but take care of yourself.

Please know that none of the A is your fault, she is broken inside. Please take care of yourself no matter how crappy you feel inside.


self-rescuer posted 2/26/2014 10:32 AM

So sorry you find yourself here. It is a heartbreaking site to be sure, but it will offer you great support and insight.

You said you are devastated and that is most certainly the case but, right now, you are also in shock. Do not underestimate the chaos caused by the myriad of emotions and thoughts you are experiencing. Make sure you are eating and drinking water and getting adequate rest.

IMO it is too early to consider MC. Your wife's ability to blame shift is astounding - even for this forum. She thought you were separated?? She had an affair for you??? Geez, she needs IC... NOW

Your mind is racing and your heart is broken and your emotions are all over the place. This is when you step back and refocus your energy exclusively on yourself. There are many things you must begin to process and the journey will be long. Now is the time for YOU to figure out what you need and want. Your WW's needs are inconsequential.

Post here often. Soon the men will post their encouragement and wisdom. Read their posts thoroughly. Infidelity is an equal opportunity crusher and the support you get from all here will be helpful but the insight the men will provide gives added perspective.

Good luck and feel the support of this site.

norabird posted 2/26/2014 10:34 AM

Wow, your WW has major balls to be claiming you were separated! What a load of crap.

Don't worry about repairing the marriage right now. Focus on you. Show her consequences and move forward with the steps you need to build a new life without her. If she can catch up, fine, but you are under no obligation to wait for her and the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to detach and focus on you.

BtraydWife posted 2/26/2014 10:36 AM

I'm so sorry you are here.

Don't do marriage counseling. She isn't ready for that. She needs individual counseling. And it's not an option. She starts going once a week or she can pack her shit and leave the house.

If she is already out of the house cut off contact with her if she won't do weekly IC.

Read over in the corner about the 180 at the Healing Library. You don't have to accept being treated this way. The fastest way to get her to pull her head out of her ass is counter to what you may think is best. It's hard but you can do it.

leakingheart85 posted 2/26/2014 10:51 AM

My Brother in Pain

Widom you must, as quickly as possible, get tested for STD's.

Three (3) men in one year with one being a drug user poses a great risk to your very life.

I would not be surprised if there were more than three men. As well as a longer period of time. It would be wise to remember the iceberg. Most of it is hidden.

God bless you.

StillLivin posted 2/26/2014 10:53 AM

Good for you in having firm boundaries! You do NOT deserve this crap. Regardless of how awful or wonderful the M was, there is NO excuse/reason to cheat.
Your wife is seriously delusional. Help her get her head out of her ass by sticking with your boundaries.

I wonder if I can recover enough to do the work need to mend our broken relationship

You can't "work" on the M if she is still in the fog of wayward land. I suggest you do work on YOU to heal and become stronger and better for yourself!

CantLoseHope posted 2/26/2014 11:11 AM

lucky for us BSs, WS use this excuse quite a bit from what I have heard from others.
The problem is 90% (just guessing) of the BSs were completely unaware that this was one of the parameters of their separation. I have been told many times that the worse thing you can do is separate with out having any guidelines, or rules, etc. And after the experience I now know why.
Most WS take a separation as them trying to figure out if they want to be with their BS. In most cases this involves seeing other people. Again I say most, I am not speaking for all WS or even any. I am just saying from experience and hearing what others have experienced.
Either way it is terrible.
I am so sorry the Mrs doesnt sound remorseful and I hope that changes for you.
I am also sorry I couldn't give you any advice.

happyman64 posted 2/26/2014 16:30 PM


When a wayward spouse behaves like yours you really only have once course of action.


The separation is just limbo for both of you. Heck, it is party time with 3 guys for her.

So show her you mean business and you are not bluffing.

Consult an attorney.
Separate your finances.
And have her served.

Give her real consequences to think about.


Brandon808 posted 2/26/2014 18:25 PM

Just wanted to say you've been heard.

Other members have already given you great advice.

ZedLeppelin posted 2/26/2014 21:15 PM

I don't know about other men, but for me multiple affair partners = immediate divorce.

1) Consult a Lawyer - file for divorce
2) Get tested for STDs
3) Expose the OM to their girlfriends/wives
4) Inform your wife's family that your wife has a new boyfriend and whether or not she can go live with them.
5) Ask her to leave the house
6) Get yourself some counseling.

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