It's been coming for a few weeks. I'm feeling sad. I loved her and PIL has really helped me to be able to visit her. She deteriorated a lot over the last week and it's been truly harrowing to see her suffer like that, but thankfully, she was mostly unaware.
But WH...I don't know...
He's coming around in a bit to tell the children. He would have been the one I held, the one I would have talked with and a large part of me still wants to. I have no idea how to navigate this.
And I think he's trying to lock it all away inside himself like he has with everything else. I know I can't do anything about that choice & don't intend to try, but I just pray that he lets himself face it, the good and the bad of his relationship with his mum and truly let himself grieve. He's not done that for other relatives, though.
And the funny thing is, I was pretty similar, not letting other deaths touch me deeply. But since DDay so much changed in me emotionally and this is the first true grieving of a death that I have allowed myself. It hurts a lot. But I know that going through the pain, through the cycle of grief is healthier than stuffing it down. God, I hope WH can learn that too. But I've at least moved to a place of not trying to 'make' that happen.
And ironically,at the moment she died, someone phoned me with the possibility of a job in the future. And I decided to tentatively explore it further.
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - Unremorseful passive aggressive blameshifter. CL, AFF, EA's & at least 1 PA. Dday Aug 2012. He walked out April 2013, wanting D, now stalling
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him