Please know his A had absolutely nothing to do with you. As hard as it is to her, he wasn't even thinking of you or his family; he was only thinking of himself. These people are selfish and out for instant gratification with no strings attached. There's something broken within them, usually long before you even met them, that allows them to cross that moral line into actually doing these heinous things then continuing to do damage by lying to the ones they love and who they know love them back, warts and all. Why? The answer isn't easy and sadly you won't be able to make sense out of something that just doesn't make sense in the first place.
However you should work with your H on getting to the root of why he did what he did, as he needs to get to the core reason in the first place in order to heal the marriage. This is through therapy for you, him and then both of you. Read the Healing Library here on this site and take advantage of many of the books on healing recommended here.
The important things now is that he continues to be remorseful and communicate to you and that this remains consistent. He has to help you heal but he has to also want to get himself help.
Good luck to you! And keep posting here too!
First, the reason he did this is something is wrong with him. He needs to be in weekly individual counseling and for quite some time or you will just end up back at the same place later.
Also when it seemed like he was catering to her and protecting her, it really was himself he was catering to and protecting. She could've been anyone. That she was broken made her a likely candidate. Strong women don't sleep with married men.
He didn't do this to you or because of you but you do end up with most of the pain. It's unfair and difficult but it's the truth.
My WH looked into my eyes as I was sobbing and made promises that were just lies. I agree it is so very painful.
They tell those lies to cover their own asses. He didn't tell lies to hurt you, even though they did. He told them so he could try to continue his little fantasy world. The world where he was entitled to do whatever he wanted and he had no consequences. You threatened to stop that world. That's what he was tying to protect.
eta: He had damaged his reality so much he was tying to do anything so he wouldn't have to face it.
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:23 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]
He is doing his best, which is good, but you will still need time to process what has happened. There is no good answer for why. He should get IC (individual counseling) to address his lack of boundaries and why he felt this was acceptable.
It has nothing to do with you and you don't deserve it. Yet he made choices you are now suffering from. It is so so unfair. Be kind to yourself. It WILL get better, I can promise that. For now I am so sorry you are hurting. I hope he does everything he can to make it up to you. However it will never be erased; t is part of the M now, and part of who you know he is.
The truth of the matter is that, even though your WH says he loved you, he was really incapable of loving anybody during that time, particularly himself. He was too messed up. But the good news is that he seems to be on the right track and with hard work, he can learn to love again.
ETA: This is not to say that you should just believe us and that's that. I think that trying to understand is part of the process. You try and try and try--then you get that it is not possible. The only way to get there is to go through it. Hugs to you.
[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 1:00 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]
It's not just something he can talk with you about. 2 months of weekly IC doesn't make this all better. Any IC he was doing while still in contact with her doesn't count and that was just back on Jan 5th.
If he isn't in IC he needs to start asap. He absolutely can't do this on his own. His very best thinking is what got you in this mess to begin with.
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 1:51 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]
I totally understand! How can the man that loves me hurt me so much? I struggle with it every minute of everyday! I too, am trying to recover and for every step I take forward it feels like I take 2 steps backward! I keep reading these type of posts, so I can only assume you and I are totally normal and experiencing the same emotions as many others! I know that doesn't really help. Please know you aren't alone! I too am having a hard time understanding this mess! I am angry also!
I still struggle with it at times. How could it not have anything to do with me? I'm his wife! I completely understand how you feel.
Hang in there. Hugs to you!
1) Both get checked for STDs
2) Ask him to move into guest room whilst you decide whether YOU want to remain in the marriage.
3) You consult a lawyer to see your options.
4) Expose OW
I do not post here to save marriages. I post here to hopefully provide support to individuals that have been betrayed by their loved ones and to set them on the path to regaining control of their life. After this they can then make the choice whether to R or D themselves.
This particular OW is not really the issue. The issue is your husband was repeatedly stabbing you in the back and was willing to walk away from you and your family. As a result you are worth a lot less to him than you actually think.
Kicking him out of the bedroom isn't really the point, the point is that he has to realize that he may lose you. From what you have told us you have essentially gone: "I feel like shit right now, but I'm willing to work on our marriage if you are". (My apologies if i have interpreted that incorrectly.)
As much as this hurts there is the possibility that actually having to go live with this woman wasn't that appealing. Sleeping with her was great, but living with her - hell no! But what happens 2 years from now when another woman comes along. What happens if he gives in to temptation again, but this time decides that this woman is worth living with. He dumps you and you have wasted 2 years of your life in false R.
It is his behavior that is the issue. For him the behavior with the OW was normal.
That is why consequences are so important. It reestablishes your worth and turns the situation on its head: "I am worth more than this, i deserve to be treated better and if its not with you then its with someone else." You are the prize here - not him!
As difficult as this is, you have to assume that right now he is in self-protection mode. Therefore he will do and say anything to make sure that he doesn't lose his family. But that isn't good enough. You have to establish whether he genuinely is sorry for what he did and wants to remain with you long-term.
Hopefully all of that made sense.