Lots of folks on SI have a WS who had had one or two affairs after a long period of being married. Others discover their WS was a serial cheater (or even an SA) over much of the relationship.
But neither of those scenarios matches my situation exactly.
In my case (from what I know) my WS gave me 2 decades of fidelity, then the MLC hit, and for about 4-5 years started a series of affairs, short and long, EAs and PAs, high body count.
How common is this? And how many of you have gone on to reconcile? And (as far as you know) how many of your WSs have been able to return to monogamy?
But, I do have good reasons to think that I finally have the truth. So assuming for the moment that I do, has anyone else had this experience and reconciled afterwards. Thanks.
On bad days, I can't help but think how coincidental it is that all that I know (and I know it from digging, not him confessing) is all that ever happened. I wouldn't be surprised if more OWs surfaced; my faith is shot, and I can't be certain of anything anymore.
We did go on to reconcile, April will be 5 years. There was a high body count here too...long term and short term affairs.
My situation is a little different, we didn't have a 20 year history of monogamy between us, but he had a 20+ year history of serial monogamy in several long term relationships.
I have to wonder if there was more cheating than I actually knew about, and this is the only "relationship" I discovered. But, if I do assume that there wasn't anyone else, the same thing happened to me. Call it what you will-- MLC or whatever-- but I think it's a reflection of our infantile, narcissistic society that encourages us to do what feels good rather than what is right.
Normally a person doesn't go from devoted spouse to serial cheater unless there is a huge triggering issue.
Dig deeper, there's an iceberg.
Have you considered porn? what about reading playboy? masturbating without you? what about just making comments how hot a certain girl is? What about female co-worker friends? platonic friends? Any EA's? Any borderline friend/EA? Does he have friends who cheat and he listens to their stories (living through them)?
Do you see where I'm getting at here?
Hopefully that will help you "dig deep" as some members here have suggested.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
He's admitted to one ONS also, but in my heart and to protect myself, I have to believe there are more. But at this point I don't care. It's almost five years and I believe he is faithful now. His lens is focused on me again, KWIM? His actions show it ...and we spend most of our time together.
Sadly, we'll never know the whole truth but have to live with the truth we've been given if we decide that R is what we want. But I do believe someone can be faithful for decades and then cheat.....we all change....and we can make a conscious decision to change again.
Turning 40 hit him really hard. Then, his dog died, and he just lost it.depression hit really hard, our business was struggling, low self esteem....
It was the perfect storm, and MOW moved in to make his widdle life all better.
His MLC started at about 35. He had a ONS and several months later came clean. I forgave, forgot and we moved on. But we never addressed the real issues. He turned 40, we had our 20th anniversary, then all of the sudden started saying he didn't want to be married. I found out about #4 at that point. We separated and I started digging. Turns out he was into lots of stuff, including porn and 2 other women. Total damage = 4 OW and 10 months separated.
We eventually got back together. He's been home a year now. It took losing everything for him to grow up. Now he understands what's important in life. He doesn't need validation from other people. He sees that he built up our "problems" during those years in his own head. I wasn't really the evil person he made me out to be. And he has a renewed sense of commitment to me and our family.
Unfortunately, his MLC gave me the husband I deserve. I just wish he could have found a different way to grow up. The emotional scars will be with me for a very long time.
Her MLC came as she saw 50 looming in front of her, empty nest coming, and having to confront the fact that she never really cared for me "in that way", had never achieved her rock-star fame, and didn't really want to retire with me.
And then Boom! One OM, lots of late-night band rehearsals, girls' nights out, an EA with OM#2, D-Day#1, more "rehearsals", and OM#3.
All of my ideas about her motivations are what I've figured out in retrospect. They may be totally inaccurate. She may just be a lunatic. She was always a needy person who had to be the center of attention. There was just no way to satisfy that urge.
It no longer matters.
Ex-w takes up with an unemployed, multiple DUI, scum bucket.
Now she drinks like a fish, swears like a sailor and parties like a 17-yr old.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
We do believe it was related to mid-life/identity crisis. So I think it CAN happen.