I still like this woman as a person even despite her having chosen to intrude upon a marriage -- mine
You sent out the invitation.
Are you and your W in counseling?
It's good to have you with us
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Also, give your wife full access to your phone, all of your emails, your passwords, etc. It's called "transparency." How would you feel, how would your wife feel, if she caught you texting the AP?
If you want to reconcile, then act like it.
JohnMartin123 - How in the world have WS's on this forum maintained NC when you work with the former AP?
JM .. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to deal with my AP daily and I would think that situation would create almost unbelievable anguish and pain for your spouse. As much as you struggle with letting the AP go, have you really imagined how much turmoil your spouse must be going thorugh, knowing that you are interacting with the AP, fearful that the affair will restart? Yeecch.
So, if leaving you job is absolutely not an option, then I guess you need to take some other steps in order to reduce the exposure at work.
Can you talk to your superior and/or HR and explain that personal issues require you to eliminate all and any contact?
Can you put opaque paper on the office window so you can't see her and she can't see you. You can explain it by saying you need to reduce distractions.
What about re-orienting your desk so you can't see out the window?
You have to find your strength here and now. You need to take all and any steps, after all, willpower has proven itself to be a rather weak motiviator for personal change. Ask anyone who put down go to the gym as their new years resolution.
I would suggest that you read this post. It may have suggestions that can help you in your need to create emotional indifference to the AP.
When I was working overseas, one thing that I did was to purchase a net-book equipped with webcam. I would sign into Skype immediately as I got to work and the net-book was put front and center to my desk, so if I wasn't keyboarding on my work computer, my Skype connection would be in my face. If my wife was not online, the screen saver would kick in and I would be facing a mantra that kept me on the straight and narrow.
It may be possible, for superhumans, to maintain NC properly while working together, but for us real people it delays our own healing process and tortures our BSs.
I would have said, early on, that even changing roles as I did was "not an option". It turned out that it was. I don't judge your financial situation, and you really might be stuck in a tough spot. There are usually some options, though, including ones that HUFI suggests such as asking your HR department for help.
[This message edited by timetraveler at 11:59 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]
When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard & steep. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
"I still like this woman as a person even despite her having chosen to intrude upon a marriage -- mine"
that is just wrong.
JM still liking AP as a person?
Or JM blameshifting?
Either way, it's easier to throw a stone than be hit by one. One of the great things about SI is, from *day one* we can easily identify faulty thinking in others. Then one day it hits us...we can identify it, because we did (or are still doing) the same damn thing.
Leaving my job is not an option at this current time.
If you hated your boss, you would start looking for another job.
If the company was failing, you would start looking for another job,
If you were not being promoted, you would start looking for another job.
You torched your M and still disrespect your wife by spending your days at the office where the OP works too. Ergo, your M is not more important than this particular job.
Why not start looking for another job? I bet your wife would appreciate that. Especially if she knew that you are still pining over the OW.