SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

JohnMartin123 posted 2/26/2014 13:38 PM

I had a six-month affair with a co-worker with whom I still work. I have tried to maintain NC except for the occasional hallway hello and necessary work interactions (we are in a brief weekly meeting on Monday afternoons, as well). But this is all so hard. I realize the absolute wisdom of a strict NC policy and my marriage is at stake as my wife and I attempt a reconciliation. I would appreciate any wisdom from WS who have had to have continuing work involvement with their former APs. I have been working on indifference but I still like this woman as a person even despite her having chosen to intrude upon a marriage -- mine. Leaving my job is not an option at the current time.

Deeply Scared posted 2/26/2014 13:52 PM

This is a good article regarding working with the AP.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp#FAQ12

I still like this woman as a person even despite her having chosen to intrude upon a marriage -- mine

You sent out the invitation.

Are you and your W in counseling?

It's good to have you with us

JohnMartin123 posted 2/26/2014 13:57 PM

I did indeed send out the invitation. And yes, my wife and I are in MC as well as IC.

Deeply Scared posted 2/26/2014 14:15 PM

That's a really good start I would also suggest you read the book Not Just Friends which is excellent and really puts in perspective how the actions of a WS can effect everyone.

JohnMartin123 posted 2/26/2014 17:04 PM

Help. All I want to do is contact her via text message. I have maintained NC for weeks now and all of a sudden I just feel the need to have contact with her. I know this is the exact thing I do not need for my marriage's sake but I feel so lonely for what we had and there she is right across the office from me. Someone hit me with a 2X4.

20WrongsVs1 posted 2/26/2014 17:10 PM

John, we all struggled with maintaining NC in the early days. One day at a time. Remind yourself what you're playing for.

Also, give your wife full access to your phone, all of your emails, your passwords, etc. It's called "transparency." How would you feel, how would your wife feel, if she caught you texting the AP?

If you want to reconcile, then act like it.

JohnMartin123 posted 2/27/2014 12:23 PM

How in the world have WS's on this forum maintained NC when you work with the former AP? I see her out my office window, I see her moving across the office, I very occasionally have to ask her questions about work. I know I need to be strong and put up walls, but this is one of the hardest things I have had to do. One day at a time, indeed 20Wrongsvs1.

HUFI-PUFI posted 2/27/2014 12:56 PM

JohnMartin123 - How in the world have WS's on this forum maintained NC when you work with the former AP?

JM .. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to deal with my AP daily and I would think that situation would create almost unbelievable anguish and pain for your spouse. As much as you struggle with letting the AP go, have you really imagined how much turmoil your spouse must be going thorugh, knowing that you are interacting with the AP, fearful that the affair will restart? Yeecch.

So, if leaving you job is absolutely not an option, then I guess you need to take some other steps in order to reduce the exposure at work.

Can you talk to your superior and/or HR and explain that personal issues require you to eliminate all and any contact?

Can you put opaque paper on the office window so you can't see her and she can't see you. You can explain it by saying you need to reduce distractions.

What about re-orienting your desk so you can't see out the window?

You have to find your strength here and now. You need to take all and any steps, after all, willpower has proven itself to be a rather weak motiviator for personal change. Ask anyone who put down go to the gym as their new years resolution.

I would suggest that you read this post. It may have suggestions that can help you in your need to create emotional indifference to the AP.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=519532

When I was working overseas, one thing that I did was to purchase a net-book equipped with webcam. I would sign into Skype immediately as I got to work and the net-book was put front and center to my desk, so if I wasn't keyboarding on my work computer, my Skype connection would be in my face. If my wife was not online, the screen saver would kick in and I would be facing a mantra that kept me on the straight and narrow.

HUFI

PrideFallen posted 2/27/2014 19:22 PM

I continued to work with the AP for almost two months after D-Day, and it was only after changing roles and moving offices that I was able to gain perspective on just how toxic the situation was, and how painful for my BW.

It may be possible, for superhumans, to maintain NC properly while working together, but for us real people it delays our own healing process and tortures our BSs.

I would have said, early on, that even changing roles as I did was "not an option". It turned out that it was. I don't judge your financial situation, and you really might be stuck in a tough spot. There are usually some options, though, including ones that HUFI suggests such as asking your HR department for help.

timetraveler posted 3/3/2014 11:13 AM

JM, I worked in the same office for four years with my AP after/during my affair. After the initial six week affair we stopped... But because of the close office proximity(daily contact) the "friendship" continued and we resumed the affair a year later.
I was not honest with my wife about much of anything during the four years but my AP knew that I had no intentions of leaving my marriage and she also knew that my wife did not know the truth about our relationship.
I truly was in love with my wife not the AP. (It doesn't matter how much you love your wife if you continue contact- it is wrong and it is hurtful to your wife)
IMO you must get out of your current work situation and have absolutely no contact-start in earnest to make this happen.
However - First and foremost you must share your feelings and thoughts with your wife, it is unfair to her and your marriage for you to keep any secrets.
Please do yourself and your wife a huge service by reading the book "How to Help Heal your Spouse From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It is a great manual of what the WS needs to do. As much as you trust your AP it is not wise; just as the affair was not wise. Secrets are dangerous.
For me- When I finally ended the relationship with determination and without doubt to the AP she promptly filed a sexual harassment claim and I subsequently lost my job. I trusted this woman as I'm sure you trust your FAP.
Be careful, this is a very slippery slope and it can only end in a fall.
ETA: Sorry was logged in on my BS's account! My apologies - 2B1again.

[This message edited by timetraveler at 11:59 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

eleanor2012 posted 3/3/2014 12:20 PM

I'm sorry, but...

"I still like this woman as a person even despite her having chosen to intrude upon a marriage -- mine"

that is just wrong.

20WrongsVs1 posted 3/3/2014 12:57 PM

eleanor2012, I don't want to t/j JM's thread, but what's wrong exactly?

JM still liking AP as a person?

Or JM blameshifting?

Either way, it's easier to throw a stone than be hit by one. One of the great things about SI is, from *day one* we can easily identify faulty thinking in others. Then one day it hits us...we can identify it, because we did (or are still doing) the same damn thing.

Mrs Panda posted 3/3/2014 16:16 PM

Leaving my job is not an option at this current time.

If you hated your boss, you would start looking for another job.

If the company was failing, you would start looking for another job,

If you were not being promoted, you would start looking for another job.

You torched your M and still disrespect your wife by spending your days at the office where the OP works too. Ergo, your M is not more important than this particular job.

Why not start looking for another job? I bet your wife would appreciate that. Especially if she knew that you are still pining over the OW.