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I Don't Know What To Do

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srw2012 posted 2/26/2014 13:58 PM

My husband and I dated for 8 years before we got married in 2012, we always had a very honest relationship and because he was someone who prided himself on being upfront and forth coming I thought I would never have a problem trusting him. After we got married I very quickly became pregnant with our first child and I gave birth to our daughter in July. Things seemed perfect. When our daughter was about a month old, I saw on his iPad that he had posted an ad on Craigslist looking to have oral sex with other men... I was devastated and completely caught off guard. When I confronted him he admitted that this wasn't the first time but that he's never actually done anything with anyone and didn't plan on 'acting on it'. He swears he loves me and our family. Some months have gone by and I know he's still doing this, he's even sharing pictures of himself with strangers via email... (I shouldn't have but I looked through his phone bc the wondering was killing me) and telling guys he wants to meet up. My current work situation has me and my daughter out of the house a few nights a week so he has more than enough opportunity to do whatever. I grew up with divorced parents and have sworn my whole life I would never do that to my child... My poor little girl is only 7 months old and i want her to have a proper family. I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but it feels like my husband is already doing that. I'm not even 30 yrs old yet and can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I want to confront him again but I know he'll flip if I tell him I went through his phone... I want to go about this the right in case there is a chance of fixing things... Feeling so helpless & hopeless...

cvs2kkids posted 2/26/2014 14:19 PM

So sorry you're here. Horrible, horrible situation.

1) You didn't do anything, he did it all. Accept no blame.
2) I would call bullshit on never doing anything. Gay sex is easy to find.
3) See #1
4) Go through healing library in upper left corner. A lot of great material.
5)see #1
6) Once he was found out, you should have DEMANDED 100% access to phones, craiglist accounts, emails etc. This is called transparency. You are not nosey as he's fucking you around
7) See #1
8) IC for you right away. In addition to the Trauma (that's what it is)of an A, add in the added trauma of LGBT spouse coming out.
9) See #1

If he does not follow #6, I would pull out immediately. This is a very high risk situation.

Ask yourself, he's either gay or Bisexual, did you not see this? If not, how well did you really know him.

BTW, see #1

Hugs for you my dear..and welcome to the ride from hell!!

LivingALie posted 2/26/2014 14:25 PM

Whenver I see someone saying the WS spouse "will flip..or get angry" if the BS looks the phone/computer..whatever...I shake my head.


Do not...I repeat...DO NOT feel guilty for looking at his phone - he should be BEGGING you to look at his phone so he can at least prove he's not using it continue lying to you.

...oh, and if he what, who cares? Let him flip all he wants. Stand your ground.

sadtoo posted 2/26/2014 14:25 PM

I'm so sorry for your situation.

To add to the list above, please stop having any intimate contact with him. You could be putting your own life in danger.

Charity411 posted 2/26/2014 14:45 PM

I feel so bad for you. I know you don't want to break up your family, but the truth is you may not have a choice. Men don't look for gay sex online only to not do anything. And they certainly don't share pictures of themselves because they don't want to act on it. You are smart to recognize that at not even 30 years old you probably can't live the rest of your life this way.

Having had a surprise gay husband myself once, this isn't something you can fix. And whatever you do don't walk on eggshells with him trying to fix it. He had a moral obligation to tell you if he was gay or bisexual not just before you got married but before you dated. The fact that he's continued to do this after you confronted him speaks volumes. If your family breaks up it is entirely his doing, and not yours. Keep in mind that the impact on your daughter will be far less at 7 months than 7 years should your marriage end. So as hard as this is for you, you might be making a better choice to end it now for your daughters sake.

Gotmegood posted 2/26/2014 15:01 PM

Wait just a spouse should *flip out* at having their partner look at their phone.....especially after your world has just been tipped over, blown up, decimated. He, at the very least, should be falling all over himself to make this easier for you.
Wow. My heart breaks for you, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, HIS, mess. The fact that you sense he would become angry if you 'caught him again', tells me that he has some stuff to hide, and possibly isn't even being open and honest with himself.
Your first order of business is to take care of yourself so that your little girl has at least 1 healthy parent. Can you see a counselor? Can you confide in someone reliable? This is a lot to deal with alone. Please find some help, you and your daughter deserve it!

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/26/2014 15:19 PM

SRW, you can't 'fix' his bisexuality. That is a part of who he is and it will always be there.

But that being said, just because he's bisexual doesn't give him license to get involved in shady side behavior with the cretins off Craigslist, either.

I've occasionally read those casual encounter ads on Craigslist and the ones from men seeking men don't beat around the bush. They don't have to play the mating game, they don't have to woo each other, they get right down to business. Hell, a lot of them even say, "free at 3:00 this afternoon and can host." They ain't looking for boyfriends or flirtations.

I think it's safe to say he's lying and has had numerous bisexual experiences but doesn't want to admit it to you.

You shouldn't HAVE to live a lifetime of this crap.

Just because he desires men doesn't mean he has a special hall pass to experiment with them just because he's 'different.' Cheating is cheating. And when you consider the fact that most guys on Craigslist are looking for sex and aren't nearly as discriminating as a woman is, well you can imagine that raises the likliehood of STDs considerably.

Good luck to you, SRW. If I were you, I'd INSIST on a full screen STD panel for him and he needs to bring you the printed results. He's full of crap when he claims he's never done anything with these guys and that all he's ever done is run ads for the thrill of it.

Oh - and too damned bad if he gets mad that you looked at his phone. His anger means SQUAT right about now.

ncharge posted 2/26/2014 15:23 PM

I had a surprise gay husband as well. They are right. Your H will probably always want this kind of encounter. And based on what you describe, I think he is definitely more gay than bi. I would consider leaving because of the potential for STDs alone. This is a high-risk lifestyle.

hathnofury posted 2/26/2014 16:41 PM

I bumped a thread for you:

Regardless of his sexual orientation, he is a WS into anonymous encounters, and that is a very dangerous type of infidelity that requires more steps to heal and protect yourself from. I know the post doesn't sound entirely applicable to you, but it is. You still need to complete all recommended steps there. You nee to make an exit plan for you and your baby's safety, ASAP. If you are really meant to reconcile, it will happen even when you take these steps to protect yourself. YOU need to be the priority right now.

kalimata posted 2/27/2014 07:54 AM


Normally I'm one big advocate of trying to save marriages by trying to destroy affairs. However it appears in your situation that your husband is gay (or bi).

These behaviours are strong and instinctual, and will not go away with time. If he is truly attracted to other men, then its only going to be more painful for you if you try to delay.

I honestly think that your best chance is to file for D and move on with your life. Someone better is out there for you, I promise.

norabird posted 2/27/2014 10:48 AM

I'm so sorry. You and your daughter will be okay. You're strong enough to handle this.

You are young. You can start over. You'll have a proper family, whether you're with him or not; actually, it will be far less toxic without him!

He has no right to do this behind your back and even less of a right to make you feel guilty for looking into whether he's breaking his vows or not.

He has been hiding who he is and used you to sell himself a story about his sexual identity that wasn't true. You deserve so much more than that. It's so awful that he's brought you into this situation, but you aren't stuck in it. See a lawyer and serve him papers. I really think there can't be any fix other than that.

Bogey posted 2/27/2014 22:18 PM

Srw, your story sounds very similar to mine. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself.

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