SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

(Note: I'm a single OW, MM is my manager, long-term EA/PA, I'm on meds for bipolar and MM and his wife know this)

Last night I disclosed the A to MM's BW by giving her printouts of his emails to me. It was half something I had planned for quite some time (printing and keeping the emails in my car), half a last minute decision when I saw her pitying look as she came to the door. I handed it to her in front of MM and turned and walked away, and slept better than I have in ages, no longer complicit in the lie.

What finally tipped the scales to tell her was the guilt when I heard they'd fought over her seeing my name on his phone. I'm not religious, not particularly monogamous, but I've been lied to and made to feel like a crazy person for being suspicious of the lies... up till recently I had half thought she must already know and not much care, or else is incredibly oblivious in which case who am I to ruin her trust. Knowing she's neither, that she's suspicious and angry, I felt so much more guilty than I had before, when I'd always avoided talking about her with MM.

Today at the office, MM has glared at me and avoided me when he normally would have been friendly. When I spoke to him, he told me I had no right to make that choice, but also said it was his own fault that he's ruined his marriage. I told him I don't regret it, that I'm relieved, and he told me it was a very selfish thing to do. I also told him to apologize to his wife for me, since I assume I won't have any chance to speak to her myself, and I want her to know I am so sorry.

I'm not sure what to do next as far as continuing to work together in our small office. I've already told my two work buddies what happened, they were surprised and half-pity him but also say he brought it on himself. I guess we'll be able to work together as things settle down, he blames himself more than me, I blame myself for choosing to be involved...

I think the biggest thing is going to figure out how you plan on working together in such a tight-knit environment and not having the A start up again.

What are you plans of action?

That's a good point, I hadn't thought of a plan beyond disclosure, assumed it alone would be enough to make him disgusted with me and give his wife leverage to monitor and restrict him. He'd never expressed any guilt or second thoughts about whether he should cheat on his wife, so not sure why I'd always assumed that if I told her, he'd suddenly gain a conscience and regret the whole thing. I think once back at the start of the affair he told me that if his wife found out anything, it would be over, so I've clung to that as my last resort way to end the affair. Now having used it, I guess you're right it might not be enough.

I'm not sure whether my work buddies knowing what happened will be any help, they've known what's gone on all along and never expressed disapproval, just been supportive friends (hey, they're all young single guys, can't expect them to have any more perspective on marriage than me). They've also laughed at me in the past when I'd told them that I wanted to / was trying to end it.

You're sleeping better. Which indicates to me that, even if you didn't directly connect with feelings of guilt or shame over having an affair with a MM, those feelings are there.

Solely based upon your posts, which isn't much to go on, you seem pretty...casual about the whole thing. No biggie, had a LT EA/PA with a MM, then threw him under the bus when I heard his wife was getting suspicious.

Are you planning to just move on with your life as though nothing happened? Or, would you consider looking inward and figuring out why you were totally cool with fucking someone else's husband? (Not throwing stones here...BTDT have the t-shirt.) Because, are you hoping to be married one day? Have children? This is shit you need to work out, before you get into your next serious relationship. And FFS, no more MM. No matter what bullshit stories they feed you about their wife never has sex with them anymore, doesn't listen to them the way you do, etc.

I wouldn't say I'm casual about the affair, I'm just a typical engineer, I express myself with less than average emotion. I also don't think I've "thrown him under a bus" by disclosure, I think his dissatisfaction with his marriage stems from his habitual lying and resulting emotional distance, so ending this lie may be the catalyst for him to find emotional intimacy within his marriage. That or they get divorced, as a mutual friend predicted when I told him. Either way, better than remaining in the limbo of a crappy marriage built on lies (and not just lies involving the affair, lies about everything even before the affair began).

I'm a bit confused.. did you inform his BW so that he would be forced to make a decision about his marriage? Test how "strong" their marriage is?

If he told you he wants to leave his wife to start a life with you, what would you say? Is that what you want?

I know you felt guilty. I can hear it in your post but I'm not quite sure of your current status with him. The post outing convo with him still sounds very intimate and comfortable to me.

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:58 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]

I'm just a typical engineer, I express myself with less than average emotion.

Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that you're "just fine" the way you are, and have no reason to scrutinize your feelings & actions. You did AP, and his marriage, a huge favor by giving his wife the truth! Totally magnanimous.

Just a typical engineer. Me too. The "I'm just less emotional than most people" excuse worked out awesome for me. Just sayin', I encourage you to talk to your shrink (I assume if you're on meds for bipolar you have one) about this whole thing and get his/her advice on why you chose a relationship with a MM instead of a man who's (legitimately) available.

I did this because I wanted to fully end things, for my own sake and out of guilt, and everyone says you must disclose to the BS, that's what will really end an affair. We work together in a small office, we will see each other all day every day including lunch which the whole company eats together, so of course we needed to have a post-disclosure conversation, just to acknowledge what happened and that what's done is done and we're okay to work together because neither of us wants to leave.

As far as working on myself, I know I'm messed up in general about relationships, and maybe not capable of monogamy. This is my first time involved with a not-single man, and it happened because at the time I was still emotionally entangled with my ex and not fully available myself. That plus lots of time with a half-available flirtatious manager, plus never having figured out how to maintain boundaries with men in authority, after a childhood friend's father repeatedly violated those boundaries and terrified me into saying nothing for years in my childhood, and then I lost my virginity to date rape because I wasn't initially forceful enough in saying no... I understand what happened, I'm just resigned to being messed up this way.

Your description of childhood abuse and non-monogamous relationships is similar to mine.

I understand what happened, I'm just resigned to being messed up this way.

Why? My whole adult life I'd embraced my Vulcan-like emotional detachment. I'm telling you right now...it's curable.

Re: why give up on myself? Because I've spent more than enough time with therapists and psychiatrists just getting my moods under control and my life stable and productive. I want nothing more to do with any of them, I get my meds from my physician and work with her to adjust as needed. If there's a way to fix myself that doesn't involve "counseling sessions", I'd be open to trying it.

I am sorry for the suffering you are carrying. Please try joining a support group like Co-Dependents Anonymous. You can look them up at:

http://www.coda.org/

I hope there is one in your area. It is not counseling. If you find the right group, it will offer you a safe place to heal not through advise giving and counseling but by listening to how others are carrying their burdens and sharing how you are carrying yours. You recover at your own pace. I have been with such a group for a year and it has really helped me.

Another tool that is helping is meditation. I was lucky to wander into a meditation session at a downtown recovery center and I have been attending for over a year and it is really helping my recovery. It has also given me a new perspective on everything. There are many types and styles and the one my teacher practices is called Vipassana.

I do hope you find your peace. Be well, be safe and be free.