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Outing advice needed

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ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 18:36 PM

My DD was 2 months ago. My WW says she has stopped the A, tells me she loves me but does not show remorse, does not say she's sorry and is currently sitting on the fence undecided if she wants to commit to our marriage. My gut tells me the A is still active only underground. Limbo. I have promised to not tell family about her A. I am considering outing her to her work as she works in a public serving capacity. I am considering outing her AP to his work (police dept). I am considering asking for an investigation if any public funds, technology or resources were used during the A. Am I crazy? I want to jolt her with a shock of reality off of her fence. Too early?

craig2001 posted 2/26/2014 18:47 PM

Is the OM married? Have you talked to him about what has happened.

I am guessing your wife is showing more shock at being caught than remorse at this time, which is what I got also.

What does your wife say about total honesty when you ask her any questions.

The part about her being on the fence is the worst part. What does she mean by committing to the marriage, does she want an open marriage or to run off into the sunset with the other guy?

BtraydWife posted 2/26/2014 18:54 PM

Dday was 2 months ago and you are still dealing with this crap from her? I don't think it's too soon to out her. Just be prepared for her fury.

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 19:00 PM

She says OM not currently married, divorced 2 years. I called him and left a message. No reply.
She seems in shock, says shes numb and raw. She has answered my questions but I question the level of truthfulness from her. She's not forthcoming about her feelings at all. No open marriage for sure, but I think she's so brainwashed by the A she's unaware of any consequences. She said she fears me not ever getting over her A so she doesn't commit back to our marriage.

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 19:04 PM

Thanks Btrayed. I've been thinking about taking this step for the last month. Blowback could very well be strong if I do this. But what have I got to lose right?

craig2001 posted 2/26/2014 19:05 PM

This is all normal. The most important thing now is for the affair to be stopped.

I feel that her saying she is afraid you can never get over this and because of that she cannot commit to the marriage is an excuse. If she were afraid of that, she wouldnt have done this in the first place.

A lot of her words right now are in what they call the fog of the affair. In other words BS.

What has gone on during these past 2 months. That is a long time.

Can you start doing your own detective work, find out much more about this OM. Find out for sure if he is married.

Keep trying to talk to him, just dont threaten!

Has your wife even said the affair is over?

Have you told her anything about outing her to the company, or I guess its a police dept, and if so what was her response?

Brandon808 posted 2/26/2014 19:08 PM

She said she fears me not ever getting over her A so she doesn't commit back to our marriage.
Translation....."I don't care about your pain, only my discomfort."

It's basically a subtle (ok, not very subtle) form of emotional blackmail. Promise me you won't me feel guilty about betraying you and I'll consider committing to the M (of course that disregards how she was supposed to have been committed to the M already, but hey what do I know).

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 19:14 PM

Thanks craig. Wife has said she ended A and has promised NC. But they work in the same area so I know contact is ongoing. She says she sees him in the parking lot etc. For 2 months I have been as 180 as possible. I have all the info on AP public information, phone records, etc. Just nothing at all from her. She acts like the A didn't happen. Business as usual she appears.

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 19:18 PM

Thanks Brandon. I think you hit the nail on the head. Thanks again.

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 19:23 PM

I have said nothing to WW about sending the letters to the employers. I'm considering this to get the truth out and to get some exposure to the A. Shock treatment.

craig2001 posted 2/26/2014 19:28 PM

Have you thought about a marriage therapist. Somehow your wife needs to understand the complete wrongfulness of what she has done and the incredible damage.

Affairs have consequences, whether she wants to commit to the marriage or not, she is going to feel some consequences.

Have you thought about talking to her parents about her actions.

She needs something to shock her back into the real world now.

And no, you are not crazy for thinking she needs a jolt of reality. The hard thing for you though is following through any kind of jolt. For example, if you threaten divorce now, that could jolt her or she could say fine. So be ready for that before you threaten it.

Is your wife and or the other guy a cop or just clerks at the police dept. If cops, the OM could have a pretty good profile on their website.

Sometimes the 180 can backfire and give the WW more excuses to feel sorry for themselves which feeds the rationalization that the affair was and is okay.

mainlyinpain posted 2/26/2014 19:36 PM

I am sorry this is happening to you FBlue.
You do not deserve this treatment.
You can not go on with her unless the A is over. Really over. You need to find out if it is.
As you said, do more sleuthing to find out if the OM is divorced.
Hide a VAR in her car to see if she calls him from there. Might have a secret phone.

"She said she fears me not ever getting over her A so she doesn't commit back to our marriage"--and what about YOUR fears, and your betrayal? It's supposed to be about making HER feel safe???? Come on!
She needs to risk this, it is a consequence of her actions. And what is she risking? She gives her all and it doesn't work--okay she tried. But she gives her all and it doesn't work and she doesn't get the AP---that's what she is risking. She has one foot with you and one foot with the AP. Doesn't sound over.

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 19:43 PM

Thanks craig. I agreed not to out the A to family. So I'll stand by that. I already know more about OM than I need. Therapy has been brought up but she isn't jumping to agree. OM is a cop and WW is a clerk. I suspect its not over and that is way she is cold, quiet, and distant. She just bounces along like everything's normal.

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 19:51 PM

Thanks Mainly. Damn good advice and input. Thank you my brother.

craig2001 posted 2/26/2014 20:02 PM

You said you already know more about him than you need, does this mean you confirmed he is divorced.

I do think the threat of going to the chief or someones commander could work. But in this day and age, I dont know what is accepted.

I also think you should start gathering information like your wife's whereabouts at all times. The VAR is very good and also a gps tracker can be hidden in her car.

Does your wife come home on time after work or are there still odd things like that happening.

As for saying you wont tell her parents, that can change. If she wont help, than you will have to help along the situation.

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 20:10 PM

Thanks craig. My gut tells me A is ongoing. I don't think I need any more proof for me that the A is active. The A is real and I have to deal with it even if she tries to convince me she ended it. She also said OM was not happy about her ending it. But when I asked about that, she said his feelings were irrelevant. Doesn't sound right.

BtraydWife posted 2/26/2014 20:19 PM

I agree that telling the family is back on the table if she leaves you little choice. I'm pretty sure she promised not to screw other men when you married so yeah don't feel trapped by that promise. I bet you made that thinking she would be working towards healing.

I also agree with others that her comment about you not getting over it is a cop out. It's a warning that she doesn't plan to do the hard work needed from her to reconcile. She knows you won't get over it because she's not going to provide you with what you need to do that.

Do you have a trusted friend IRL that can check in with you for several days after you expose? That whole pissing cops off thing could have a crazy response.

ForeverBlue posted 2/26/2014 20:25 PM

Btrayed. I realize if I send to letters the blowback will be HARSH. That's why I needed advice tonight. I have people IRL that have my back. But this move I'm considering is big league stuff.

craig2001 posted 2/26/2014 20:29 PM

Thinking this over, I am thinking you cannot and should not go this alone. I dont like the idea of a cop having an affair with a married woman in the first place. And now the comment that this cop wasn't happy about her ending the affair.

Nope, everything you promised is off the table. This is serious and you should NOT go it alone. How are you with her parents?

I think they should be made aware of this situation.

And I think the police dept needs to be aware and I think you might consider talking to a lawyer.

The affair needs to end and if this cs of a cop doesnt like it, tough.

At this time, I think more than a few people around you needs to know what is going on. I think it best if YOU tell people the real story before your wife or OM start spinning it.

Do you have kids?

[This message edited by craig2001 at 8:30 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

kansas1968 posted 2/26/2014 20:31 PM

I wouldn't try to hurt her at her work, and I wouldn't out her to her family. These are things that can interfere with reconcilliation if that is going to be an option.

The most effective outing is to out the OM to his wife if he has one. I would do that right away.

Then, a hard 180 and a trip to an attorney that your wife knows about. So sorry for your pain. I know it is terrible.

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