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Read an obituary - thoughts of She11y and Piper

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thebighurt posted 2/26/2014 20:12 PM

I hope this is the right forum for this, so here goes.......

In a recent obituary column, one was about a middle-aged, decorated military officer with a distinguished career. It talked of bravery and honor. I met him quite a few years ago, so I read with interest of his career and his survivors; his loving wife and several children, siblings and their families. It was a fairly long, impressive tribute, but it made me very sad.

My thoughts were of what it omitted. It didn't mention his beautiful DD born barely a year before he and his loving W M. It did not mention her because he was never a part of her life. He denied her, turned his back and moved on.

She is now a very beautiful, loving, fun, well-adjusted, well-rounded college graduate who is about to be M. Her step-father, the only father she has ever known, will have the honor of walking her down the aisle that day and be the one to shed a tear as she becomes someone's wife. Her "sperm donor", as she refers to him, will never now know what a beautiful person in every way she has become in spite of him. Nor, likely, will her several half-siblings. That makes me feel very sad for them.

How do I know this story about him? The beautiful woman he and his family will never know is my DGD.

She11y, I know you will do a great job with Piper, just as my DD has with my DGD. She, too, struggled as a single mother and moved back in at home for a time. They both know they are well loved. With or without their "sperm donor" in their lives, they will be fine. It's just very sad for what has been lost from the sperm donors' lives by their ignorance and refusal to stand up and be fathers. Very sad. Maybe someday that could still change for Piper, but it's too late for the 'honorable' career military officer of that obituary. He totally missed out.

Jeaniegirl posted 2/27/2014 08:41 AM

*love this*

GOOD for your daughter -- and you -- for raising her to be the person she is.

She11ybeanz posted 2/27/2014 09:25 AM

Okay....I'm in tears. Thank you for this story. It was very humbling and difficult for me to give up my DD's first home...the place I brought her to from the hospital....the sleepless nights...the loving hugs and cuddles...the wonderful memories of just the two of us....making it against the world! The world just got too big. I knew eventually the childcare situation of my sister watching her for free would blow up in my face causing resentment, exhaustion, and unreasonable expectations. I knew she had bit off more than she could chew when she took that task on. And, even though she loves my moving back in with my dad and putting her in daycare is worth the sacrifice of my independence.

My daughter is happy....healthy...and had a safe and thriving place to grow while I work. Her sperm donor has no idea anything about her as he hasn't seen her since she was 9 months old....and that was only because he was forced to go to Social Services and sign the papers agreeing to paternity (because he didn't want to take the test that he knew would come back positive and pay the $300 fine!) I remember how awful it was when I saw his mother in the waiting room and told my sister to let her hold Piper....and his mother scoffed at us and with the most hateful look possibly ever seen on a human being's face....she said "NO...I DON'T WANT HER!"..... My heart sunk for my DD. She cried when her sperm donor tried to hold her. He was a stranger to her.

She will never know him. It is his loss. His measly $65 a month barely helps with diapers but at least it is a reminder that he does have a THIRD child out there that he has nothing to do with. He is merely an acquaintance with his other 2 from his 1st marriage; seeing them maybe once a month if that. In fact...I think his son avoids him all together now. Its really sad.

I feel more pity for him now than anything. He will die a lonely drunken existence with many regrets. His mother is supposedly dying of pancreatic cancer but still refuses to make amends with me or even ask to see my daughter. (though I don't know if I would want her to at this point). My own mother isn't in her life either. She cheated on my dad at the same time my XWH cheated on me.....she missed my DD's 1st birthday out of spite and expects me to bring her to her for visits and would never watch her or keep her unless I paid her. And, I remember once I even OFFERED to PAY her to watch her own blood grandchild...and her exact words were, "I have shoulder and back problems and can't hold her, sorry."

My daughter has one blood grandparent and that's my dad. I wanted her to have what I had growing up. A whole family....not a broken one. She has an adopted nana....godmother (my friend of 29 years) and my best friend of 23 years and her husband who are a big part of her life. My friends have kinda created more of a family environment than most of her family. I just hope she never feels less loved and that I am giving her all that she needs.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:30 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Undefinabl3 posted 2/27/2014 12:35 PM

My daughter has one blood grandparent and that's my dad. I wanted her to have what I had growing up. A whole family....not a broken one.

She must be taught that the definition of family does not require the DNA to be involved.

I have 4 sisters from high school and 2 from college that I would do more for then my own blood.

She11ybeanz posted 2/27/2014 13:59 PM

She doesn't know the difference. Her life is full of love, support, cuddles, and laughter. She is always surrounded by the ones that care for her! They are ALL her family....blood or not.

thebighurt posted 2/27/2014 18:00 PM

Thank you, Jeaniegirl. We M and had a family young and DD was young when DGD was born, so in many ways she seemed more like our child than our GC. We have always been close.

She11y, I'm sorry you and Piper were forced to go through that trauma with the sperm donor and his unfeeling mother. I remember reading that before. It brought tears to my eyes then. I'm sorry this was a reminder of that. I meant more to praise you for all you have taken on and the good job you are doing in spite of all that. Reading your developing story then brought back memories of that time with DD and DGD.

DGD and her sperm donor never laid eyes on each other, let alone touched. There was no acknowledgement and no support of any kind from him or his family, even though they were told. They chose to believe him and also turn their backs. We were their sole support for the first months. I think of it as having the privilege of having her almost all the time. That meant we never had to share her with another family.

You are right. Piper has all she needs in the people that love her.

Amazonia posted 2/27/2014 19:51 PM

woah, Shelly, I have heard you say that sperm donor has other kids several times, but it never occurred to me until reading it in this context - Piper has half siblings!

Are you in contact with sperm donor's first wife? How cool is it that Piper could have a relationship with those siblings, despite sperm donor?!

She11ybeanz posted 2/28/2014 09:03 AM

Are you in contact with sperm donor's first wife? How cool is it that Piper could have a relationship with those siblings, despite sperm donor?!

I AM in contact with his ex-wife....and in fact I'm going to his daughter's 14th birthday party at 3pm tomorrow! She sent me a message wanting me to come and I talked to her mom on the phone. They haven't seen Piper since September at her baby shower (she just had another child with her now boyfriend). I'm excited to see them all. His daughter told me how much she loves and misses melted my heart!

Amazonia posted 2/28/2014 09:50 AM

What a wonderful extension of your tribe.

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