For the past couple of days I've felt almost emotionless. I think it's just because there have been so many feelings being brought up and dealt with for the past month and five days (not that anyone 'round here is counting) and I just needed a break from it all. It started to kind of worry me. Then today I came home from work (not a good day) and grabbed my journal and started writing. Wrote a lot. Cried some too. Realized I'm not completely without empathy for others. Had major epiphanies while journaling and spent lots of time in self-reflection and pondering what the next conversation between my BH and I will be about. The conversations have been awesome. Sometimes incredibly painful topics are discussed. It's beyond anything in my wildest imaginings that I'd EVER be looking my husband in the eyes while admitting to him what was said between AP and I. When he talks about how he feels I want to die, knowing I've wounded him so badly, perhaps irreparably. But I have made myself look him in the eyes while he talks about it. I've always been uncomfortable looking people in the eyes. Because I am afraid to see what's really there in their eyes, or have my feelings on display for all to see. I am such an AVOIDER. Sigh.
Anyway - it's been very good for me to keep doing this. I've been trying to not only recognize my feelings/emotions and DEAL with them and not tamp them down but also trying to really understand what BH's feelings and emotions are as well, and where he's coming from. Looking him in the eyes is another way of being honest with him.
Man, this growth has come at an incredible price. I can only keep trying, daily, and hope that our marriage survives. If not, I will be incredibly sad but I know that I must keep facing all the ugly truths in my life. Pretty damn pathetic I just now am becoming a mature adult. The fact that it took crushing my BH's very soul and spirit in order for me to grow only makes me seem all that much more selfish. I'd choose another crying emoticon but I'm sure all of you get the idea.
Taking these long painful looks at myself just leaves me absolutely wrung out at times. But truly, I'm so fortunate. BH didn't kick me out on my a$$ like I totally deserved after I lied to him repeatedly on Dday. He's willing to stick around and put up with me and still talk to me and even be physically affectionate. I do not deserve him or his compassion, but then as he pointed out to me, if everyone got what they "deserved" -- an "eye for an eye" -- there'd be a whole lotta blind people walking around.
So today I'm thankful for really "feelin' it" again, even though a lot of it doesn't feel good.