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mrs7 posted 2/26/2014 20:13 PM

For the past couple of days I've felt almost emotionless. I think it's just because there have been so many feelings being brought up and dealt with for the past month and five days (not that anyone 'round here is counting) and I just needed a break from it all. It started to kind of worry me. Then today I came home from work (not a good day) and grabbed my journal and started writing. Wrote a lot. Cried some too. Realized I'm not completely without empathy for others. Had major epiphanies while journaling and spent lots of time in self-reflection and pondering what the next conversation between my BH and I will be about. The conversations have been awesome. Sometimes incredibly painful topics are discussed. It's beyond anything in my wildest imaginings that I'd EVER be looking my husband in the eyes while admitting to him what was said between AP and I. When he talks about how he feels I want to die, knowing I've wounded him so badly, perhaps irreparably. But I have made myself look him in the eyes while he talks about it. I've always been uncomfortable looking people in the eyes. Because I am afraid to see what's really there in their eyes, or have my feelings on display for all to see. I am such an AVOIDER. Sigh.

Anyway - it's been very good for me to keep doing this. I've been trying to not only recognize my feelings/emotions and DEAL with them and not tamp them down but also trying to really understand what BH's feelings and emotions are as well, and where he's coming from. Looking him in the eyes is another way of being honest with him.

Man, this growth has come at an incredible price. I can only keep trying, daily, and hope that our marriage survives. If not, I will be incredibly sad but I know that I must keep facing all the ugly truths in my life. Pretty damn pathetic I just now am becoming a mature adult. The fact that it took crushing my BH's very soul and spirit in order for me to grow only makes me seem all that much more selfish. I'd choose another crying emoticon but I'm sure all of you get the idea.

Taking these long painful looks at myself just leaves me absolutely wrung out at times. But truly, I'm so fortunate. BH didn't kick me out on my a$$ like I totally deserved after I lied to him repeatedly on Dday. He's willing to stick around and put up with me and still talk to me and even be physically affectionate. I do not deserve him or his compassion, but then as he pointed out to me, if everyone got what they "deserved" -- an "eye for an eye" -- there'd be a whole lotta blind people walking around.

So today I'm thankful for really "feelin' it" again, even though a lot of it doesn't feel good.

Deeply Scared posted 2/26/2014 22:50 PM

I'm so fortunate. BH didn't kick me out on my a$$ like I totally deserved after I lied to him repeatedly on Dday

I can certainly identify with that, although immediately following D-day my H did kick me out for 5 days and it was unbearably painful.

You are making great strides and sound really focused...keep up that great work!

grains posted 2/27/2014 00:39 AM

Please keep letting your BH know how grateful you are for his compassion and consideration of you at the same time that you apologize to him for what you have done. It will really help both of you heal. We all recover at our own pace. I think that for as long as we are alive we are in some form of recovery, of learning and healing and in that sense maturing and growing. Sometimes it is hard to understand that we must learn to love ourselves first before we can love others. I believe what this means is that we must have a healthy relationship with ourselves before we can really have a healthy relationship with others. You are already on this path. Hang in there. Good luck in your recovery and reconciliation.

mrs7 posted 2/28/2014 12:47 PM

TY Deeply Scared -
The last couple of days have been awesome. Lots of talking. This is the closest I've ever felt w/ someone. That's a huge clue for me - imagine - communication bringing two people closer together - who would've thunk it?!

mrs7 posted 2/28/2014 12:54 PM

Grains I agree with you totally. I have come to realize how little I really know or love myself - how little self-awareness I have. You make a good point about loving ourselves first, before anyone else can come into the mix. I am waaayyyy far behind BH in so many ways but he's allowing me to "catch up" to him.

He's a good man - I will take your words to heart and vocalize how much he means to me and how grateful I am I have a 2nd chance. We still don't know for sure what is down the road for us. He's not entirely sure he wants to remain married but I'm getting closer to figuring out that no matter what, I have to keep working on myself. I am trying to meet his needs in whatever way he'll let me right now. He says the mind movies are definitely waning and I am really encouraged by that. I bet that's hell on him when it happens.

Who knew we'd even still be together after I betrayed him so hurtfully - it's an absolute miracle that we are talking more than ever and are becoming closer.

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