While I realize the counselor is not supposed to be my new best friend, and cry with me for an hour during our session, I do seem to expect an opinion on certain aspects. On the forum I read about counselors telling WH they are a narcissist. Or they are not being honest. I know the counselors are not going to express their personal opinion, but I'm sure it takes a trained person to be able to see certain behavior and recognize it as wayward. If I share with you that I need my husband to tell me he loves me 6 times a day, I somehow expect you to understand where that is coming from.
Do you have to have experience in working with infidelity issues, as a counselor? Or are you going to look at the situation "as is", and identify the things you want to change or address, and go from there, meaning specific BS issues are not that important when it comes to healing ?
If you're not comfortable with your IC than definitely keep shopping around
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
My IC was fantastic, but she wasn't a specialist in marriage or infidelity issues per se. She was really, really good at focusing on me, and my reactions, my perceptions, my mental health. So she was perfectly capable of handling an infidelity situation because she was not dealing with my WS's actions, but my feelings and reactions to it. Does that make sense?
I'm not sure which way you're asking that - if your IC will diagnose your WS based on things you say, or if your IC will diagnose and call you out on your own behavior. My IC never diagnosed my husband in absentia, she never told me that it sounded like he was being dishonest or a narcissist or anything, but if I myself were being dishonest or showed narcissistic traits, she'd have addressed it with me for sure.
I think BS-specific issues are part of the human condition.. feeling betrayed, abandoned, filled with sorrow, rage, depression, anger, sadness, etc based on things that have happened to you, so I personally don't think an IC has to be an expert in infidelity to help you. However I do think an IC who has certain misconceptions about infidelity can do a ton of harm to a BS, so obviously if that's your primary need you should screen them in advance by asking them outright how they would handle healing from infidelity.
I've spent a lot of time in consoling. I've seen a lot of really bad counselors and one amazing one. The one I'm currently seeing I'm still on the fence about.
Bottom line if it isn't working for you move on to a different one.
Married 6 years. Dating 10. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
Counseling is more an art form as science.
And most coaches take that title so they don't have to study enough to get certified as counselors.... I could set myself up as a coach. I'd probably help some people, but it's a good bet I'd harm others - and nobody regulates coaches.
I recommend staying away from coaches unless they're also certified counselors - LCSW, Ph. D in clinical psych, Psy. D., LCPC, psychiatrist, etc.