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sweetangelbroken posted 2/27/2014 07:50 AM

I really never thought I'd be posting in the just found out forum again. But here I am! History of cheating discovery false reconciliations go back 5 years. And honestly there have been several years of very good times since.
Mid January we had a really honest conversation. He finally was truthful about an EA two years prior. It hurt to hear but I had always suspected and I was happy he was being truthful. In the past he had only really admitted to things that I had concrete proof about. I have lived with years of TT.
So. I decided this was a time to begin reconciliation for REAL. I insisted he go back to counseling. He read and post in the wayward forum. He read self help books. And he be accountable for his time. Call me text me. Show me he really wanted this.
He was very passive aggressive about it. He gave great lip service to doing the right thing but always had an excuse for not getting to it. He became more and more withdrawn. I foolishly believed he was facing his own demons.
I turned the history on his iPad browser on. I wanted to see if he was really searching for answers.
Sunday morning when he was in the shower I checked the history. I found evidence of online affairs with several real life meetings , oral sex in parking lots etc
I kicked him out. Omg his parents were here visiting from out of the country. I had to entertain them while kicking their son out
He is un remorseful , says I did him a favor because now he can use his real name online. Says he should have left ten years ago.
I had my first panic attack yesterday at work. I don't eat. I don't sleep. Went to psychologist who gave me ambien. Didn't help still toss and turned all night.
Even my kids say I am a fool to even consider another reconciliation. I know that. But there's a Hugh empty whole in me. I sob I rage. But mostly I sob
I guess I just need hugs. For 33 years I turned to this man for those hugs
I think what is wrong with me. Why can't he love me.
I just want all this to go away
I don't want to be strong
I don't want to move on
I'm not suicidal. I'm just stuck in this deep despair

Tred posted 2/27/2014 07:55 AM

(((sweetangel)))

No advice really, just wanted you to know you've been heard. I'm so sorry you are going through this again.

Lalagirl posted 2/27/2014 08:01 AM

BIG HUGS ((((sweetangel)))))

I am SO sorry.

You already know he is so very broken if he has been through counseling and will not (not cannot) change and become the H you deserve.

But that does not take away your pain. Only time and support will. We are here for you. We will help hold you up, hug you, listen to you, whatever you need.

You have done the right thing by letting him go. I know it does not feel that way now.

I am sorry I do not have more words of comfort. I know others will come along who have been in your shoes and can offer better advice.

Sending you strength & more hugs...

Lala

BtraydWife posted 2/27/2014 08:14 AM

I'm so sorry.

My WH has the same problems that you described. Our dd was in 2010. He's always said the right things but nothing lasting ever came from it. He didn't take any initiative, would act like everything was fine.

Just 2 weeks ago we had another long argument. He admitted that he thought it would all kind of just work itself out. This after getting angry with me several times in the past when I said I didn't feel like he was really trying. How dare I say that.

I'm so sorry. My fear is that I will end up exactly where you are so I can only imagine how awful it is for you right now.

I'm so glad you have the support of your kids. Is there a way you can take a few days off of work? Just try your best to take care of yourself and get through the next several days. Be extra gentle with yourself. Through this please remember you deserve honest love.

sweetangelbroken posted 2/27/2014 08:21 AM

Thank you
No I can't take time off work. My whole job revolves around a big project that goes live this Sunday. I've been holding it together for the meetings I have to lead and the classes I have to teach. I fall apart when I have any down time. I carry makeup with me for the first time ever to paint on my happy face before each meeting

RippedSoul posted 2/27/2014 08:22 AM

(((sweetangelbroken)))

When I hear stories like yours--especially when that same possiblitity lurks at the back of my mind--I wince. I'm so sorry his decisions led to your having to feel this pain. Unfortunately, feel it you must. :( Know, though, that you are strong enough to get through, that you have family and friends and strangers (42,000+) to love and support you, and that you have incredible worth and dignity and potential.

lost_in_toronto posted 2/27/2014 08:23 AM

(((((((((hugs))))))))

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's your WH that has an inability to love - anyone, including himself. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

joannie posted 2/27/2014 08:24 AM

I am so sorry to read this, heartbroken for you as it is the worst kind of pain. Biggest hugs to you, wish we could all get our arms around each other,you are not alone..

norabird posted 2/27/2014 10:18 AM

Sending you a big huge hug.

Try something other than ambien if it didn't work. Try to eat, maybe only smoothies if your appetite is gone.

Remember that nothing is wrong with you. Tell yourself that. Tell yourself that you'll be happy again. Believe it. Tell yourself (and know it) that his finally being honest is a gift because that huge hole inside of you, that aches and hurts and makes you sob? Once you mourn, once you grieve, once you cry it out, that becomes a space you get to fill up with happier, healthier influences and loves, ones that are worthy of you.

You don't want to be strong....but you are. You don't want to move on....but you will. And it will be better for you.

For now let it all out, feel the feelings, and be good to yourself. You can do this. You are worth more than this treatment.


((((more big hugs & strength))))

Gr8Lady posted 2/27/2014 10:27 AM

Huge hugs of understanding.

Vent all you need here. Unfortunately so very many of us know without a shadow of a doubt exactly how you feel.

There will come a day when you look back on this and feel relief not pain.

byefornow posted 2/27/2014 10:33 AM

Nothing to add, except a huge hug. I am so sorry for your pain. I will say a prayer for you tonight. (((((Hugs)))))

castellana posted 2/27/2014 20:32 PM

You are so strong! There are plenty of us who would never be able to hold it together and with work stress. HUGS and STRENGTH!

lastdance posted 2/27/2014 21:58 PM

good advice ----this site is awesome----feel the pain but after a while please look as this as an intervention to save your life-----someone or something is trying to tell you something... you are placing your precious life in danger by being with this man---you can get a life threatening disease from him-----he does not care about your safety so you should-----he can end your life ,,,literally----------take this as a blessing in disguise-----run as fast as you can like yopu would run from someone chasing yopu with a gun----just run

sweetangelbroken posted 2/28/2014 06:49 AM

Mornings are the worst. I wake up in an empty house and slowly realize it's not a dream. My marriage is over. All the plans and dreams i had involved us
He always took care of the finances. I don't even know our online banking password. I work IT for a multihospital healthcare system. I teach physicians to use the computer. I know I can figure it out but I don't want to. I don't want to do any of this I want it to go away

sweetangelbroken posted 2/28/2014 06:51 AM

Oh fantastic. There is dog crap in the living room. This is my life

sweetangelbroken posted 2/28/2014 06:56 AM

I just want him to hold me and say this is going to be ok. This pain is unbearable

BtraydWife posted 2/28/2014 07:05 AM

I'm so sorry. I know you don't want this life. It's ok to be upset.

Clean up the darn poop and get your makeup out. One hour at a time, ok?

sweetangelbroken posted 2/28/2014 07:11 AM

Yeah. Marching along. Carpet is shampooed. Eyes still too teary for makeup. One more cup of coffee then on with life. It sucks

[This message edited by sweetangelbroken at 7:37 AM, February 28th (Friday)]

NeedingAdvice posted 3/1/2014 00:30 AM

Just reading your story and feel so sad. I wish I had some magic words to make the pain go away. I think it is perfectly normal to grieve and rage not only for the life you had, but for the future you thought you would have.

All the wise people on this forum keep saying that time is the answer so I guess for now you just have to believe that you will get through this with time.

My thoughts are with you.

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