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Jacobswife posted 2/27/2014 10:01 AM

My WH is trying so hard to show me he wants to be in our marriage. I am almost 2 months from dday and I still don't believe he is sincere which makes it hard for me to be positive. He is trying to be transparent but I have deep insecurities as a result of his A. Have any of you experienced this? How have you learned to believe in your WS?

I know it takes time but I fear the longer I am not positive the more likely he is to cheat or leave me and our kids!

norabird posted 2/27/2014 10:14 AM


If your being unsure this early on (as it perfectly reasonable and normal and healthy) about whether you can trust him again leads to his cheating again and leaving, then he never wanted to be in the marriage in the first place. And THAT'S why it takes time. Because he has to prove that he really is in it.

craig2001 posted 2/27/2014 10:20 AM

I know it takes time but I fear the longer I am not positive the more likely he is to cheat or leave me and our kids!

You answered your own question, you are still worried this will happen all over again. So the belief and the trust is not there yet.

Only 2 months. 2 months is not even close to being long enough to feel better. I have read it can take 2 years to fully get over an affair. And that can depend on how bad the affair was and how long it was.

If your H starts complaining, he needs to read some books about the effects of an affair on the BS and he needs to understand just what he did and the huge magnitude it really is.

Having an affair is not like burning dinner, you dont just order a pizza and everything is forgotten, but the smell.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 2/27/2014 10:25 AM

Hold on because 2 months is nothing - this roller coaster ride takes 2-5+ years of ups & downs. Trust can only be rebuilt over time - years of doing and saying what he needs to do.

You mention transparency, but what else is he doing? Is he in IC? Is he willing to take a long, deep look at himself; peel away those onion layers until his true core is exposed and healed?

It's a process that can't be rushed. I tried to rush it too, only to have the rug pulled out from under me numerous times. Like I said, buckle in and hang on tight.

BrokenMomof2 posted 2/27/2014 10:58 AM

4 months out here and I still dont believe WH is being sincere. What he is doing now is a complete turn around then the man I have been married to for 9 years.

In my IC session a few days ago we discussed this. She agreed that I have every right to be suspicious and question his intentions and to keep on being a private investigator. But eventually the only way to really learn, and trust, your WS is being sincere is to eventually let your defenses down a little. She said that even with IC & MC it shouldn't be less then 4-6 months before I should consider letting my walls down.

Are you in IC or MC yet? It is going to take a while, and I hope your WH realizes that. He has no right to push you or get angry if you are not giving him an inch of trust yet. Eventually you will feel ready to let your guard down a little and let him truely prove himself. Dont rush it.

Jacobswife posted 2/27/2014 12:42 PM

So thank you very much for your responses. We are both in IC and MC. We are both working to change various things about ourselves. He certainly, has more to change, I have more to forgive. Sometimes, I just want him to express his love and gratitude for me the way he did for the OW.

It was mostly and EA (online) but they did meet 2 times in the 2 1/2 years they talked. He lied to her as much, if not more then the lied to me. Age, name, job, family situation, everything! I have talked with her and know that she knew nothing of me or my kids. What a mess!

OneSweetWorld posted 2/27/2014 13:08 PM

It took me about a year and a half, I don't think there is a timeline for this. Best of Luck to you

Gipper posted 2/27/2014 15:24 PM

I am sorry, but you aren't even near the end of the beginning yet. One way or another, It will get better. Trust your gut.

lastdance posted 2/27/2014 22:22 PM

it took me 13 years and I never did trust him ever again---that is why I divorced him after trying for 13 years to ;get over it'------I never did----I wasted 13 years trying to fix something that he broke and could never be repair----if you do not have that gut feeling to stay-----do not----I wished I had listened to my gut instict

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