SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

PhoenixAlight posted 2/27/2014 11:15 AM

As much as I want to R, why should I really stay married given how things seem to be playing out. I have decided not to decide anything for the time being. Most of what I have read says to give your self some time to get over the shock. I have lost 15 lbs in 7 weeks. Just started being able to sleep without prescribed anxiety medication most nights as of a week. And although I am new to the forum I see I have naturally started to detach and am leaning toward a complete 180. Sorry so long but here's my story...

DDay: 01/07/14 after my WH told me ILYBINILWY two days earlier. I asked him point blank if he was having an affair but he denied it. I was so emotionally wrought he finally confessed a couple nights later

His A is with a COW and he is now is in love with her. Says he started back in mid oct which I take to mean he probably was already having an EA but only started sleeping with her in Oct.

He also said he had an PA some 6 years ago with and intern for 3 weeks until she finished her internship and moved on.

I was desperate that he would not abandon my kids and myself since I had to leave a week later to help my mother recuperate from major surgery on the other side of the country. She had a cancerous tumor removed. Timing was the worst possible and only the second time I was away from my children for more then one night during our entire marriage. I waited to tell my family until after the surgery when I was there in person, since I was still reeling emotionally, and could not hide how I was feeling.

We have been married almost 12 years. We have 3 beautiful children and have had a very passionate marriage up until recently as far as I could tell. He is a loving father and we have both gone out of the way to make sure the children are not in the middle of any of this.

We met and married within 10 months had our first child a year and half later.
DS: age 10
DD: age 9 in a few days
DS: age 7
Me BS: 43
WH: 36 (apparently 2 As)

Given that we fell in love so quickly it does not surprise me that he has developed feelings for the OW after a three months. We have both seen a MC and are both going to IC. He is looking for a new job but has not told anyone, except his closest friend at work who I know well. Not sure what is really going on at work.

From what I can tell he is still carrying on the affair since he refuses to talk about it but I have no evidence. He left for a few days to stay with this same friend from work. Said he wanted to come home. I went and spoke with an attorney and allowed him to come back since I was so distraught over the thought of sharing custody and what that entails. He returned visibly upset in front of the kids. I knew I made a mistake letting him return since he was clearly not truly remorseful just sad about not talking to his AP everyday. He asked to leave again and is renting a room nearby for a month since he wanted to be alone to figure things out.

I went out on a date, at his request, which was a disaster. Although I have been feeling more detached and realize I have no control over him, his actions or his feelings, I had a difficult time mastering my emotions when he would say stupid stuff like, you should really work on getting a full-time job (I told him I don't trust him), or I was hoping we would rekindle something on these dates. To which I told him I did not get married to have a third person in our marriage. As long as he is continuing his affair we can’t start working on our marriage. I only have my self-respect and that's all I have left. Not sure these "dates" are really going to work for me.

He txted to apologize. He went to his IC that night and called to apologize about his behavior again afterwards

So my question: I work part-time and make about 1/5th of what my husband makes. Would exposer at work really make any difference if he doesn't want to end the A? Why should I bother if my gut tells me to detach and let the chips fall where they may. Not optimistic at this point.

[This message edited by PhoenixAlight at 11:18 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]

castellana posted 2/27/2014 11:54 AM

Keep in mind that if things do not work out he will need that job to provide child support.

How about instead of dates with him you go have coffee with a friend or do something nice for yourself - go for a walk, buy something for yourself. So you don't open yourself up until you, not him, are ready.

BrooklynLove posted 2/27/2014 12:23 PM

I find that exposure to family and friends that support your marriage is more beneficial. If he decides to leave the marriage you'll need child support and alimony. The OW might cry sexual harassment to protect her family and throw your WH under the bus. Leaving your family with not just the wreckage of the affair but also in financial ruin. Contact the OW's husband and inform him of the affair, start doing the 180, expose to family and friends. If I were you I would not expose to his job, because I have seen coworkers supporting an affair in workplace over the BS (they know them and not you). Start putting money in a separate account that only you have access to.

kalimata posted 2/27/2014 12:54 PM

Phoenix:

So sorry you are here. You need to take some steps to turn this around. Here is what I suggest

1) Stop the couples counseling. Keep going to IC if it makes you feel better. No MC will help if he is still having an affair
2) Gather some evidence: get a PI, buy a few VARs and hide them in his car/home, get access to his cell phone. Get something that you can use as proof. ACT CLUELESS until you get something. Act like nothing is going on. He will get sloppy.
3) Expose: Expose to those who he is closest to (friends, family, religious leaders, etc). Especially expose him at work if he is OW's boss. Be careful here and talk to an attorney first before exposing to work, because it may get him fired. He simply will not stop the affair until it is exposed. Is OW married? Then DEFINITELY EXPOSE TO HER HUSBAND. The affair will lose its excitement and fun once it is out in the open. Read about exposure more in the healing library
4) Confront: Make him chose a path to either come back to the marriage or walk away and D.

Exposure at work: don't worry, exposing him in front of his co-workers will definitely put an end to the affair. Likely what will happen is that either one or both of them will get fired. You will need some good evidence first however.

norabird posted 2/27/2014 16:08 PM

To which I told him I did not get married to have a third person in our marriage.

What a perfect response. It really does all boil down to this.

Exposure at work would certainly change the A conditions and possibly end it but as others have said there is child support to consider too. Right now he is sitting on the fence and somehow or other he needs to be kicked off. That might just mean filing and telling him to leave. His needing time to 'figure things out' means 'I want to continue the A and be a cake-eater while leaving you in a punishing limbo because I am deeply selfish and foggy.'

You can however tell the OW's BH if she has one.

I'm so sorry.

PhoenixAlight posted 2/27/2014 22:12 PM

Thanks you all for your responses, especially Kalimata and Norabird. It is helpful to hear from others that have gone through this. I have a great group of girlfriends that have been extremely supportive but only one that has had any experience with As.

According to my WH, the OW is 41, divorced 9 months ago after 17 years of marriage to an alcoholic. Apparently her mother recently died 3 or 4 months ago which would be about when the A started from what I gather. She has no children by choice since her brother is disabled and she saw how difficult it was on her mother. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

My WH recently went on an interview at another company which looks promising. He also seems to be consistently following up on leads to find a new job. I was considering outing him at work once a job offer arrives.

or filing for D once I get a full-time job offer myself. (I am currently looking)

Everyday is such a rollercoaster. Although I have been disengaged recently, today I was so mad I was shaking. Called him at work and went off on the phone. So much for the 180. Asked him to give me one reason why we should stay married? He said because he thought we might be able to be happy again together. Told him I wish I could believe that but I don't think so the way things are going. He stayed on the phone through my entire rant. Think he likes hearing me worked up. I hung up on him after I was sick of one too many excuses. txted me afterwards how much he screwed up and that he is human. I will see him tomorrow when he comes to pick up the kids for the evening. Hopefully it will just be perfunctory and I can steer clear of him until I get my emotions in check around him.

lastdance posted 2/27/2014 22:58 PM

great advice -----keep that 180---it is already done and he is still involved with her----take care of yourself and plan for your future----if he gets a job where she is,you know why----see your lawyer and follow the advice given to you----do take tine for yourself ,please take care of YOU