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Hurt8288 posted 2/27/2014 11:31 AM

I'm having trouble even figuring out where to begin. My WS didn't have a physical relationship with anyone else. Last week he visited and ex-gf when on a trip to visit family for the weekend. He was completely upfront about it, and even texted me that they were hanging out. i had no reason not to trust him, so I didn't think much of it. When he returned I could tell something was off. The next day he told me that he had to go take care of something and would be back the next morning. I knew in my heart he was going to visit her. Yesterday couldn't take it anymore. I broke down crying after dropping my kids (3,10mos.) off at daycare on my way to work. I called him and he said that if I wanted to talk about what was bothering him, to come home. I called out of work and he was home when I got there. He told me that he feels some deep emotional connection to her. He explained that he still loves me and wants our relationship to work for us and for our children. He just can't get her out of his head. When he visited her she told him that she would never be with him again, especially knowing that he has a family. She's not interested in breaking up a family, and I respect her for that. He has been very forthcoming, answering all of my questions and allowing me access to all of his electronics and accounts. I know this is peanuts compared to what most of you are going through, I just feel so hurt and I don't know where to turn. He continues to struggle with his feelings for her. Can our marriage work? I'm so confused.

doggiediva posted 2/27/2014 12:18 PM

For your marriage to work your WH is gonna have to cut this other person COMPLETELY out of his life.. As in detach and never exchange another word with her..

Just because he told you this version of how things are happening, doesn't mean it is true..

Protect your health and protect yourself legally and financially..

Brace yourself, because in all likelihood new information is gonna trickle in to contradict what he has already told you..

callmecrazy posted 2/27/2014 15:42 PM

Did you know he was talking with his ex before the trip? This deep emotional connection and discussing being together did not come from meeting her 1x for dinner after a certain amount of time (apparently more than 3 years you have been w him).

norabird posted 2/27/2014 15:50 PM

There is no need to compare your situation to others or trivialize your hurt. You have every right to feel this pain though I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Your WH should get himself into IC to figure out why he is looking for a fantasy relationship. Why is he idealizing an old gf? How can he start to appreciate that life is about the daily ins and outs? How can he learn to be content with what he has?

It is certainly possible that there was more to his reconnecting with this woman than you know. But I think you have good signs from him so far.

Give yourself time. A useful saying here is 'actions, not words'. His actions will show you where his heart and mind are.

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