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Drove past crime scene

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olwen posted 2/27/2014 11:45 AM

What a shock!

H was taking me to my therapy session today and we were talking and he completely forgot to take our usual route there.

I suddenly realised as we drove over the hill that we were passing the car park where they had sex. Literally feet away.

He immediately broke down, 'OMG Olwen I am so so sorry!' He hit the steering wheel and called himself an idiot. He was really distressed.

Somehow I just sat there calmly. It barely phased me, then I said ' I know you did it, seeing where it happened again is no big deal, it's not nice but not the end of the world.'

I was so proud of myself.

What he forgets is I would love to leave our town. I have too many hotspots. The school playing field where I was sexually assaulted aged 14. A few streets away, the house of my first boyfriend who abused me.

This is just another to add to the list.

I can't let them all get to me or I could never go out for a drive again. I already can't leave the house alone due to mental health stuff but I am not letting all this stuff stop me going out in the car!

I was more bothered when we were out once and he decided to stop off at work to pick something up. I got out of the car and just froze. I immediately asked, where did you kiss her? That bothered me more cos the sex was only once but his workplace was the scene of the EA.

Strange I can drive past the place they did it but not where they laughed and joked together.

Still, I see it as progress.

sudra posted 2/27/2014 12:30 PM

It is progress. Congratulations!

My husband's affair was 350 miles away, in his hometown.

The first time we went back, we drove into the parking lot of the hotel where they stayed. I vomited in the parking lot and we left.

The second time, I parked, walked into the hotel and walked up and down the floor they stayed (he can't remember the room number) and peeked in a couple of the rooms that were opened for cleaning. It was a year later and I was in a better place. Even though it's not a place I had to deal with regularly where I live, I still wanted to go there. It was very empowering to walk through that hotel and out without getting sick.

I think that even though it took me three years to be able to do that, it was a good thing to do. I am stronger because of it, and the OW is smaller in my mind. A definite win.

I's glad your husband recognized what he had done and reacted appropriately. I also understand how the places they laughed and joked can hurt you more. The sex my husband shared with the OW (twice in 7 months) hurts, but knowing they spoke multiple times a day and were "engaged" (and all of the implications how that came to be) hurts far more.

Good for you both!

olwen posted 2/27/2014 12:58 PM

Bless you sudra, thanks for sharing that.

blakesteele posted 2/28/2014 05:55 AM

Wonderful post Olwen! You are growing and changing through this.

I remember the first time I did NOT own my wife's pain or guilt as my own. I, like you, were there for my spouse but was relatively unchanged by their outpouring of emotion. It is a sign that some of a co-dependent cycle is breaking.

I also have many "crime scenes" from which to trigger.....walks in the park, our family dig, running trails, school, overpass I go under twice a day, even our street and where I park my work truck as this was a "talking point" between my wife and OM.

Perhaps we should have moved........but that is the past. Like you, I can visit or go by these crime scenes and not trigger hard.

By staying "in the moment" and NOT shutting down you are displaying you CAN handle this.

I am glad for your M that Mr Olwen is finding remorse. By not reacting strongly.....either with anger or unwarranted "extra compassion" towards your husband you are allowing him to own his mess.....and break what could have been a M-long destructive cycle.

Congratulations. This is a very good post!

God be with us all.

blakesteele posted 2/28/2014 06:02 AM

Oh......and that follow-up question at his work?

Totally normal.

You have grown and processed some heavy pain.....this follow up question is a gentle reminder that more is needed!

This is GOOD!!!!!

You are tired, I am sure. But you have more strength and courage still yet ....this question is yourself telling you that you can handle more........your "muscles" are stronger and are saying "that felt good .... Let's take it to the next level".

Level-up baby!!!!! Savor this growth , don't worry about the future..... You just proved you can handle far more than you ever thought you could.

Keep might have a "muscle ache" in the bear future.....have seen that in me. We got your back.


olwen posted 2/28/2014 06:35 AM

Thanks blake

Yakamishi posted 2/28/2014 11:03 AM

Just wasn't you to know i can identify with this.

steadfast1973 posted 2/28/2014 13:14 PM

I can see the "crime scene" from my bedroom window (in the winter). No lie, I can't wait til these trees fill out again, and I don't have to look at that hotel. And when we move out of the city, so I don't have to see it at all.

hikingwithkoda posted 2/28/2014 19:04 PM

I hope it does get better...WW's first "crime scene" was the snackbar at the softball fields where our daughter plays every week. (She was in charge of snackbar that season. Ironically, while I was helping her restock late one night, I tried to get a "naughty" moment going since it was after hours and all locked up. She, of course, shot me down and then 2 or 3 weeks later blew OM in that same damn snack bar WHILE PRACTICES WERE GOING ON)

Every game my daughter plays I have to walk past it. If it hadn't rained this weekend, WW would have had to work a volunteer shift in it.

I hope someday I can get to "barely phased." Good for you, Olwen. You're healing.

painfulpast posted 2/28/2014 19:18 PM

Strange I can drive past the place they did it but not where they laughed and joked together.

You think so? Really? Hmmm, I don't think it's strange. In the end, sex is a purely physical act. Sure, it's great when it's with someone you love, and it can be meaningful, but it doesn't have to be. Those moments of jokes, and laughs, and little looks across the table, well that's the stuff relationships are built on. That's where he was getting his ego fed. That's where he should have been going to you, not her. Yes, of course he should never have gone to her for sex either, but that was a by product of all the laughs, looks, inside jokes, etc.

It's for this reason that so many say an EA is far worse than a PA. A pure PA is 'just sex'. Now, don't get me wrong - both hurt like hell - but the EA can feel like a 'real replacement' where another woman was making your man feel like a man, feel special, and sexy, and desired. That's YOUR role in his life, and ONLY YOUR ROLE. Knowing someone else filled it, even for a few minutes a day, is like a knife that won't stop twisting.

I know for you the focus recently has been on the sex. Seeing this last comment, I wonder if you aren't using that to deflect the real pain you feel from his emotional attachment and interactions. I could be waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off base on that. Just something that's a bit curious.

I think you're doing wonderful olwen. You've made such strides in acceptance, and self acceptance of how you're dealing with it. It's bee amazing to watch you take your journey. Thank you so much for sharing it all.


blakesteele posted 2/28/2014 20:12 PM


Just took a break from reading "Undefiled".....your post is full of wisdom and is spot on.


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