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User Topic: Why am I delusional?
Broken69
♀ 42606
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out about my H affair in April 2013. Had some suspicions for months. It was almost a year long with a 28 yr old co worker 17 years younger than him. We have been trying to work on our marriage since. There has been progress but he still believes he deserves his privacy and gets very angry if I ask questions and such. We had a really bad argument 6 weeks ago and he left and is staying with his recently widowed mother. He says he cant live with his guilt and everytime he looks at me he wonders what im thinking. .if I look upset he thinks its with him. He says he cant stand feeling like he has to constantly look over his shoulder. I have been in therapy since Jan 2013 working on me and from April dealing with his infidelity. He began therapy after being urged by his Dr. 4 weeks b4 he left. Says he just need time and space to figure out what he wanted and to work on himself as he hates the person he has become. Of course ive done all the wrong things pleading, begging, threatening u name it and its pushed him to now where he is asking for a divorce. I should hate him for cheating and then just leaving me without any contact except regarding our children. Who does that? Why do I still have hopes he will come home? He is mean and disrespectful and angry with me and only me. I am his trigger and im the one who stuck by and loved him all this time....

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
Broken69
♀ 42606
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW he works 2 hours away and leaves Mon and returns Fri. He sleeps on a cot in his office and has for the past 9 yrs. She lives where they work. He has been out of work for an unexpected surgery for 6 months and is very depressed bcus he is restricted in what he can do until he is healed. He is a very busy guy and worked out religiously and now cant. His life now is a far cry from what it was b4 the surgery. He says there is no turning back its over....

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
Hosea
♂ 42422
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken69:

I'm in my car and can't write much yet. But I do want to send my encouragement to you.

It's so hard to be in your shoes-- so many of us know some form of that acute pain. We're rooting for you, and for your husband. It sounds like there's possibly still hope of turning this around-- though the road to Reconciliation is paved with good intentions and looks a lot like Hell at first.

Please know that there are people here for you, no matter what happens. You can get through this. Hopefully, with a husband truly committed to healing you and saving the marriage he shattered.

But even if not, you can grow stronger through this. And people here can help show you how.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer your initial question of Why am I delusional, I would say because change is hard, and its so hard to give up the idea/dream of what we THOUGHT we had.

Personally, and I mean this with the utmost care, I think there is much more to the affair then he is letting on.

OW lives where he works out of town and you are to believe he slept on a cot for those 6 months? I have a really hard time believing that. I highly suspect the affair is ongoing. Being out of work has hampered his ability to freely see the OW, and thus he is leaving to "work on himself" (which is almost always code speak for "be able to freely see my OW")

It is so very rare (in my experience of reading other affair stories) that a man leaves a marriage/home unless he is still seeing the OW. Most men don't want to leave their home unless the home life is abusive, horrible, and completely toxic. If you are begging, pleading, saying you love him - and he's STILL wanting to leave -- then I suspect its to be free to spend time with the OW.

It is highly abusive of him to blame all his troubles on you; to state YOU are his trigger. He sounds very selfish and not at all considerate for your feelings and the hurt he has caused you.

I am so sorry you are goin through this. I think the thing to remember, is eventually you will come out on the other side of this BETTER OFF. It may be years away, but ultimately staying with a non-remorseful cheater is subjecting yourself to abuse. If he is moving out, then he is not valuing reconciliation. You need to focus on the fact he LIED and CHEATED...and YOU DESERVE BETTER THEN THAT. Even being alone is better than being with a liar and cheater.

Please do IC, and until/if he 100% wants to reconcile and shows 100% remorse, honesty and transparency, then please focus on YOURSELF, and your rights, and making the best NEW LIFE for yourself that you can.

It is so hard to let go of "what could have been" and to feel like all those years were wasted, and that's why we continue to delude ourselves and stay in non-healthy relationships where we are not respected and valued as we should be.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 2:16 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]


Posts: 616 | Registered: Feb 2014
Gotmegood
♀ 41407
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will add to what already has been posted to you: you aren't delusional. Hopeful maybe? Hanging on to the fantasy of your old, comfortable life.....as sooooo many do, yes. It sounds as though your WH has much on his plate, both physical and emotional issues. The good news is he's in therapy. My feeling is that you have told him that you are willing to take on the Herculean task of rebuilding your marriage. That offer is only good if he is also willing to work, be honest and transparent. If those conditions are not acceptable to him, then you now have to put all that energy into yourself.
And putting positive energy into yourself begins with not calling yourself delusional. You're sad, disappointed and desirous of something lovely that you once had. Very, very normal.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Broken69
♀ 42606
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank all for your support and intuition. I know there were many nights he spent with her. I have done so much research. I know everything about the girl. She did not have her own place until Feb 2013 until then she lived with her parents so they were confined to one or the others car. He committed to transferring back home and giving up.his current position when he is released to go back to work. What bothers me most is he really started to show me I was his priority. We share the same therapist and the day before our blow up he told his therapist things were finally falling together for us and he really felt good about the marriage. That he noticed I was mentioning the OW less and that it looked like the trust was rebuilding. I know this because I had a therapy appointment the very following day and when I went in to see the therapist he was so excited that things are finally working out until I started to break down and cry hysterically and he asked what was wrong and I told him what had happened. He responded by saying I know a shouldn't tell you this but I had the best session with your husband yesterday we have had so far and proceeded to tell me what I stated above. None of this makes sense. After the fight he stayed a week telling me everyday he was done and was leaving until that Sunday when I asked one more time if he was sure this was what he wanted and he said im not changing my mind I shouldve left last Sunday cus I knew u were gonna try to talk me out of this and I told myself I wad holding my ground. At that point I said if u wanna go theres the door but remember if u go u r not welcome to come back and im changing the locks. He left. Now he says I should have just given him his time and he wouldve calmed down but bcus I didnt and I called and text and begged and pleaded it pushed him away more. Now he says its over and he is never coming back ever

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
MediumRare
♂ 35128
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Broken69,
Sorry you find yourself here.
he still believes he deserves his privacy and gets very angry if I ask questions and such.

he left and is staying with his recently widowed mother.

He says he cant stand feeling like he has to constantly look over his shoulder.

"Now he says I should have just given him his time and he wouldve calmed down but bcus I didnt and I called and text and begged and pleaded it pushed him away more."

I'm sorry, but when I read that, all I can think of is "BOO-FUCKING-HOO" - I mean, he is sticking his dick in some 28 year old and destroying your marriage and now it's YOUR fault because of all the emotional wreckage he has caused in the wake of his philandering?

You SHOULD change the locks and tell him "good f'ing riddance, you cheating piece of shit" when he threatened to never come back. HE is the one sticking his dick all over town, NOT you.

I'm really sorry Broken69 because it is CLEAR this asshole is not remorseful, NOT capable of doing the hard work of giving you what you need, transparency, and space/help with what HE has wrought.

Everything you have typed about him is he is so far up his own ass that he cannot see the sunlight of day. 110% selfish and playing the victim when you are the one that was cheated on.

Keep working on you. Stay in IC. Let him have his little pity party and make his little threats. Tell him that 28 year old skank can have his rotten ass.

Please ask your IC to help you find your bitch boots. Sometimes you have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. With WS's like yours, it sounds like this is the case so he can stop calling all the shots and pretending like he's the one driving YOUR pain from HIS mistakes and damages.

[This message edited by MediumRare at 6:08 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 722 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
sweetangelbroken
♀ 27191
Member # 27191
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone has given better advice than I can. I just want to say that I understand the confusion and despair you feel wondering if you had done something different would things be better. I am still stuck wishing for a different past and the future looks insurmountable.
Sorry you are going through this


married 28 years
dday 12/5/09
life is not about waiting for the storm to pass..it is about learning to dance in the rain

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: chicagoland
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I very much recommend you follow thru with changing the locks and not letting him just prance back in with no changes or remorse. It is truly awful what he is doing to you, blaming his selfish choices on your actions. Im so sorry he is doing this to you.

Ultimately you cant force or convince him to do what he doesnt want or isnt willing to do. So you must look out for ypurself and focus on you.


Posts: 616 | Registered: Feb 2014
Brokenbond13
♀ 42516
Member # 42516
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what everyone is saying. He does not sound remorseful one bit and is trying to act like the victim when he IS NOT! You are not delusional! You are holding on to the old relationship but it's gone, and was a lie for quite some time.I fully understand that is the hardest part to accept.
MediumRare and ShiningAutumn8 took the words right out of my mouth.

I am so sorry you are going through this!! No one deserves it, and it really does feel horrible when your heart refuses to let go, but you will get there! It takes a lot of strength, but in the end you will be so much happier.(((hugs)))


Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2014
lastdance
♀ 42401
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do not worry things will work out for you---give it time----he is the cheater and liar ,not you----he is really 'in the fog'-----he is done with the marriage---LET HIM GO-----let him be with her ,that is where he wants to be----I know it hurts but you deserve to have someone who loves and respects you-----not someone who lies,cheats,treats you bad,and abuses you emotionally----you do not hurt the one you love---he only hurts you----do not let him

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Broken69
♀ 42606
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of all the hurt he has caused and the lies since I found out. The promise of no more contact and then see calls and texts but I still hang in there for months. Why? And now bcus he gets a bug up his behind and leaves over a silly non meaningful arguement he caused I'm left with all the broken pieces of my marriage. How does someone just walk away like that and why cant I see whats right in front of me. I feel like im losing my mind. He says he loves me and knows he will probably regret this in the end but just cant live like this anymore. He says the guilt is overwhelming. Therapist says he believes he really realizes he made a terrible mistake with the affair and cant understand how I could really forgive him as he cant forgive himself. Is this really possible or just an excuse to get his freedom?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
jemimapd
♀ 37895
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now bcus he gets a bug up his behind and leaves over a silly non meaningful arguement he caused.......

Gently, he didn't leave because of an argument. He left to spend time with the OW. And he isn't guilt-ridden and in torment - if he was he would be on his knees trying to fix things.

You are not delusional. You are being lied to by someone very experienced in having his cake and eating it.

It will carry on like this until you stop it because right now he gets to be with OW when he wants to and then come home. So the answer is to see an attorney, file and get him out of the house.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 6:08 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
jb3199
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you are here, Broken. But stick with us, and we can help you move forward.

Therapist says he believes he really realizes he made a terrible mistake with the affair and cant understand how I could really forgive him as he cant forgive himself. Is this really possible or just an excuse to get his freedom?

Here is the bottom line: Your husband is a cheater. He is broken. And he is being a coward---running away from the destruction that he created. It is that simple in identifying the problem.

You are going to have to learn that you have no control over him. You only have control over yourself, and that is what you need to focus on. You may not like that answer, but it is the absolute truth---only you can get yourself out of this state.

Now, that doesn't mean that you can't help "guide" your husband, but you can only lead the horse to the water...he has to do the rest. And that starts with you setting firm boundaries, and not accepting less than what you should receive in a committed relationship---honesty, transparency, commitment, and remorse for his actions. You can demand the first two from your husband, but commitment and remorse have to come from him. He has to dig deep, and work on his issues. Just because he is going to therapy, doesn't mean he is putting in the effort. He has to be honest with himself...which he currently is NOT doing.

As for your recovery, please read in The Healing Library in the yellow box in the top left corner. Also, read the threads with the bullseyes on the first few pages in this forum----they will really help you understand exactly what is going on.

Please keep posting and reading here; you will find it to be very helpful. And last, but not least, take care of yourself---mentally and physically. This is not your fault that he has cheated...not even 0.0001%. That is all on him, so please don't beat yourself up. Make sure that you drink and eat, even if it seems impossible.

Your strength will start to come back, especially with some guidance. As that strength returns, so will some clarity in your mind. Then you will start to make healthy decisions for you and your family.

Keep posting. Good Luck.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 22yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2143 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken, I saw you mistakenly post in the WS forum so I am glad you made your way here.

I agree entirely with Jemima.

Gently, he didn't leave because of an argument. He left to spend time with the OW. And he isn't guilt-ridden and in torment - if he was he would be on his knees trying to fix things.

If he was truly sorry he would be proving that every day instead of turning this back on you.

It will carry on like this until you stop it because right now he gets to be with OW when he wants to and then come home. So the answer is to see an attorney, file and get him out of the house.

Yes. It's time to freeze him out. Go silent. No texts, calls, drive by's.

You begged and pleaded. Okay. That's over now. At this point, get yourself a lawyer. It might slightly snap him out of the fog he is in. But if he does decide to return you have to ask if you want to be with a man who so far has owned nothing and not only that has shifted blame on you. That is disgraceful on his part.

Read as much as you can on SI. There are wonderful books out there too to help you - After the Affair and Not Just Friends. In other words, be informed. Knowledge is Power.

Finally. You are not delusional. He is.

Hugs to you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
lost_in_toronto
♀ 25395
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Broken69)))

I hate to say this, but from reading everything here my gut instinct is that the affair either went underground, or that he has recently reconnected with his OW. That kind of 180 degree change in attitude is, IMO, hard to explain otherwise.

I feel like im losing my mind. He says he loves me and knows he will probably regret this in the end but just cant live like this anymore

I hate this kind of shit. It ranks right up there with "you're too good for me," and "I don't think I can make you happy." It's such a pathetic way to attempt to placate someone as you break their heart. I'm sorry you are hearing this kind of crap from your grown ass husband. No wonder you feel like you're losing your mind..."I love you, but. I want to stay, but. I want to be a grown up, but...."

Therapist says he believes he really realizes he made a terrible mistake with the affair and cant understand how I could really forgive him as he cant forgive himself. Is this really possible or just an excuse to get his freedom?

I'm sure that what your therapist is telling is you is possible, and that his guilt has really overwhelmed him and he is struggling with how to forgive himself right now. I just truly think that would look different then how it looks - that his actions would be consistent with the feelings of guilt, remorse and despair. Not selfishness, entitlement and anger.

Gently, he didn't leave because of an argument. He left to spend time with the OW. And he isn't guilt-ridden and in torment - if he was he would be on his knees trying to fix things.

I agree. Please read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. It's time for you to turn the tables and change your attitude - instead of begging and hoping for him to come back, you need to start protecting yourself and finding your anger for you and your family.

Now he says I should have just given him his time and he wouldve calmed down but bcus I didnt and I called and text and begged and pleaded it pushed him away more.

Don't let him blameshift the consequences of his actions onto your shoulders. You did not "push him away more." This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 8:09 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1714 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Starzjourney
♀ 41287
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Therapist says he believes he really realizes he made a terrible mistake with the affair and cant understand how I could really forgive him as he cant forgive himself. Is this really possible or just an excuse to get his freedom?

My opinion won't be popular...but...who knows what is really going on in another's mind. The intimacy that comes with trust has obviously been broken for the both of you...is it possible that maybe he needs time to process/analyze his actions? I think so...Is it possible he is just a selfish jerk and is looking to rug sweep or continue his affair? I think so...

Only he knows the truth of his feelings/emotions at this time and is obviously not sharing with you...It is normal as the person responsible for your pain for you to want/need him to be the one to make it go away...you aren't getting anywhere good for you by attempting to force. Take care of you..."fake it till you make it"...give yourself time to process and analyze this way you can make decisions for your future either way.

I hurt for you...please keep posting...{{{Broken}}}


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Broken69
♀ 42606
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank u everyone. I hope I can move forward and get on with my life. I know he hasnt physically seen her in 7 months. But I do know there has been random contact by messaging. I get what everyone is saying too. I just cant believe I could be so stupid not to see it was still continued or restarted at some point.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are all delusional, some for longer than others, some snapping themselves out of it quickly. It's what happens when you're in love--you give the benefit of the doubt, try to avoid admitting that someone you love would hurt you. And then somehow even once we realize what's been done to us we still love them!

But you can change your behaviors even while your emotions are still engaged with him. Moving on in concrete steps doesn't mean you won't still hurt--there will be pain and grieving, and the healing process is long--but you WILL heal with time.

See a lawyer to protect yourself financially/legally, and protect yourself spiritually as much as you can to--what's something nice and sustaining you can do for yourself?


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
lost_in_toronto
♀ 25395
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just cant believe I could be so stupid not to see it was still continued or restarted at some point.

NOT stupid. Sad, hopeful, broken hearted. I believed some pretty crazy stuff after dday about my WS and the OW. Like, they only had sex once and then he felt so guilty he never did it again. Oh, except for the second time right after that first time. And then for aaaallll the sex for the next two weeks he was in her city before he came home. My brother kept telling me that the "once" was impossible, it had happened more than once. It took months for me to hear that, and still more time before my WS admitted it. We love our WS and we believe in them and trust them and that is how it is supposed to be. It's hard to just turn off that love and trust and faith on dday. It's hard to not keep believing what they tell us, especially when it is what we need and want to hear.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1714 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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