I’m almost 4years from dday. I’ll give a brief background – Married for 34yrs at the time I discovered the affair. H was involved with his secretary for about 18months. Emotional and physical.
Basically, when I found out – I did everything wrong – didn’t clearly set boundaries – and didn’t follow through on consequences. There were constant broken NCs by both of them – email, phone and texts. This went on for 2 ½ years post DDay– I’d find out – throw a tantrum – he’d make all kinds of promises – and things would be ok for a few months – then it would start all over again. One of them would contact the other.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and told H he had to take an early retirement. Before he retired he was actually offered another position, one he’d always strived for (at another location and nothing to do with former job) and he took that position.
I thought – we’re moving on now – I’ll give him another chance and I was hopeful with the new position, etc..things would be good in the future. She’d be out of our lives and I didn’t want to throw away 30+ years of a marriage, kids, etc.
So – he starts his new job – 4 weeks later is diagnosed with blood cancer. Yep. Needs a bone marrow transplant.
So, the transplant was 10+ months ago – he’s doing great. Total remission. Very lucky man. He thanks me constantly for standing by him – now says he can’t believe he was “that guy” and now understands what “love and commitment” really mean…and his actions prove all that too.
You think I’d be happy now, wouldn’t you? He’s had opportunities to see OW or to contact her in any way he chooses. Without even checking (which I still do on occasion), he has not reached out to her at all – he has told me that he has been invited to functions where he knows she will be – and he simply turns them down – and always tells me about it. Finally REALLY transparent and REALLY honest. I feel in my gut there has been no contact at all. If I want to talk about the affair, he does – funny thing is, I don’t really want to anymore. What is there to talk about?
I have told him that I’m still upset some days– not about the actual affair – but the lies and betrayals for 2 ½ years AFTER the affair – that’s what I can’t seem to get past – and when I tell him this – he apologizes – is very remorseful and sad, answers all my questions - agrees with everything I say - says if he could go back and change the past he would – but he can’t and all we can do is move forward and he will spend the rest of his life proving his trustworthiness to me. His actions now match his words.
So why aren’t I thrilled? Why aren’t I posting all over the Reconciliation forum about how wonderful things turned out?
There really isn’t any way he can make this up to me…
Are there any other folks out there – in a situation like this? DDay a few years back – and you’re reconciled but not completely over it or completely happy? Does it get better?