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Is this what R is like 4 yrs later

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LivingALie posted 2/27/2014 14:44 PM

I’m almost 4years from dday. I’ll give a brief background – Married for 34yrs at the time I discovered the affair. H was involved with his secretary for about 18months. Emotional and physical.

Basically, when I found out – I did everything wrong – didn’t clearly set boundaries – and didn’t follow through on consequences. There were constant broken NCs by both of them – email, phone and texts. This went on for 2 ½ years post DDay– I’d find out – throw a tantrum – he’d make all kinds of promises – and things would be ok for a few months – then it would start all over again. One of them would contact the other.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and told H he had to take an early retirement. Before he retired he was actually offered another position, one he’d always strived for (at another location and nothing to do with former job) and he took that position.

I thought – we’re moving on now – I’ll give him another chance and I was hopeful with the new position, etc..things would be good in the future. She’d be out of our lives and I didn’t want to throw away 30+ years of a marriage, kids, etc.

So – he starts his new job – 4 weeks later is diagnosed with blood cancer. Yep. Needs a bone marrow transplant.

So, the transplant was 10+ months ago – he’s doing great. Total remission. Very lucky man. He thanks me constantly for standing by him – now says he can’t believe he was “that guy” and now understands what “love and commitment” really mean…and his actions prove all that too.

You think I’d be happy now, wouldn’t you? He’s had opportunities to see OW or to contact her in any way he chooses. Without even checking (which I still do on occasion), he has not reached out to her at all – he has told me that he has been invited to functions where he knows she will be – and he simply turns them down – and always tells me about it. Finally REALLY transparent and REALLY honest. I feel in my gut there has been no contact at all. If I want to talk about the affair, he does – funny thing is, I don’t really want to anymore. What is there to talk about?

I have told him that I’m still upset some days– not about the actual affair – but the lies and betrayals for 2 ½ years AFTER the affair – that’s what I can’t seem to get past – and when I tell him this – he apologizes – is very remorseful and sad, answers all my questions - agrees with everything I say - says if he could go back and change the past he would – but he can’t and all we can do is move forward and he will spend the rest of his life proving his trustworthiness to me. His actions now match his words.

So why aren’t I thrilled? Why aren’t I posting all over the Reconciliation forum about how wonderful things turned out?

There really isn’t any way he can make this up to me…

Are there any other folks out there – in a situation like this? DDay a few years back – and you’re reconciled but not completely over it or completely happy? Does it get better?

refuz2bavictim posted 2/27/2014 15:05 PM

I don't really do a whole lot of posting about R, with my FWH. Not because I don't want to share...but I find that the types of challenges and victories we experience are often already expressed by others.

And wow, you have been through a lot.

Maybe part of the issue is the timing of your FWH's illness. Healing from the A gets put on the back burner, when lives are at stake. And interestingly, I think I would be frustrated to some degree, if it took a life threatening illness for my FWH to finally "get it".

Do you wonder if this would be the case minus the sickness? Minus the loving care, I'm sure you gave during that time? First the A, then the cancer. I think you have so much to process.

Then of course there is the fact that R is a process in itself, and you've had a lot on your plate, aside from the A.

I'm glad to hear that your FWH is in remission from the cancer along with a new understanding of commitment to you and your M.

I wish I had more to offer in the way of support and advice. I hope year 5 brings that sense of happiness and comfort you have been searching for.

2hurt posted 2/27/2014 18:12 PM

It's what R feels like 6.5 years later at my house! Maybe Im pesimistic but the majority of relationship have some type of problem/s. alcoholism, abuse, fights over money, the kids, sex, in-laws, etc. My biggest is that my husband had an affair and is now remorseful. We had a pretty great marriage before that and I was very much in love. But, Ive learned that a heart can break and love can die. For me, it hasn't been the same. The feelings just aren't there and I can't seem to bring them back no matter what he does or how I try to re-frame it. For me, I relized Im the kind of person who doesn't bounce back from a betrayal. However, I have 3 kids who are the most important people in my life and I will not uproot their lives in sny way, shape or form. I make the best of it, do more things by myself or with friends. It's not easy but no one said it would be. I keep reminding myself that it coukd always be worse! I'm pissed that he took a happy life away fro me but nothing is guaranteed in life so I try my very best not to make matters any worse. Its the best I can do ith the $hit sandwich my husband dropped on my plate.

IsthereEVERanend posted 2/27/2014 20:52 PM

OP, I hear you loud and clear. More than half of my marriage I have been dealing with the A my wife gifted me with. Even with true almost instant remorse on her part the past 24 Years of me dealing with the fact that the love of my life would betray me so instantly and thoughtlessly. So many years she wasted for us just for a few furtive moments of excitement. I do not know really who lost the most.
I wish you well.

I think I can posted 2/27/2014 21:35 PM

Well, if he was still talking to her 2.5 years later--I think you are only 18 months into R. And I was still pissed off and very hurt then!

So I would say -yes--it will get better if this guy sticks around. Not cheater guy.

AFrayedKnot posted 2/27/2014 21:41 PM

I was going to say the same thing about only being 18 months from the last hurt. A lot of people find themselves in the Plane of Leathal Flatness around that time frame. Check it out in the Healing Library.

lilmonkey posted 2/27/2014 22:12 PM

I'm only a year later, but I wanted to post saying that you are not alone. My WBF says and does all the right things, has proven to be nothing but trustworthy and the epitome of what I want in a man. So why does his infidelity still plague me? I think about it every day, and I still debate whether or not I should leave.

You know, I truly believe that R is possible but I don't think completely getting over it is. No one could ever forget or "get over" such a traumatic experience. "Getting over" is different than "forgiving", however. We can forgive but I never really think we get over it. Despite my happiness, I have never posted a "success" story in the R group because I will never get over what he did to me no matter what he says. We can work towards the future and I can love the man that he will be tomorrow and the next day, but I can never forget the man he was in the past and that is something that will always haunt me.

[This message edited by lilmonkey at 10:13 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Justgreatnews posted 2/28/2014 08:52 AM

I think the people that talk about how their marriage improved after an affair must be a small minority. Yeah, things can recover and be pretty good, but better? I think its one of those Venus/Mars things. A lot of use are from Vulcan, or some planet in a different universe from them.

I'll grant that openness, communication, honesty have kinda been better. Still, this will always rob me of passion, devotion, true happiness, something.

BtraydWife posted 2/28/2014 09:35 AM

says if he could go back and change the past he would – but he can’t and all we can do is move forward and he will spend the rest of his life proving his trustworthiness to me.

This stands out to me.

You've mentioned lots of things he is doing right. No contact with her, answering your questions. Those are good things but something does seem to be lacking.

How much IC has he had? In what ways has he taken the initiative to help with your healing, instead of just complying?

It's true the past can't be changed but moving forward isn't the only thing that can be done, nor is it the only thing that needs to be done.

Has he helped you work through the pain that he caused you in those 2 1/2 years after the A? It doesn't sound like he has. He needs to show that working through this is important enough to him that he is seeking it out.

It's never enough to stop doing the bad stuff. There also has to be healing of the past. That is what will help you to let go of it and move forward. Only by his need to work through it with you.

If him helping you work through the pain he caused in those 2 1/2 years feels like a priority to you, then YOU will start feeling like a priority to him.

It's an essential part of healing that is far too often absent. It's also what makes true forgiveness possible.

Notmetoo2011 posted 2/28/2014 10:39 AM

There really isn’t any way he can make this up to me…

^^^This says it all for me. I'm 2.5 years out, WH is remorseful, transparent and doing all he can, but I'm far from over it. I struggle daily. I feel like there is a cloud hanging over my life. Something has died within me since DDay. I just don't love him anymore. I keep hoping that time will heal me but in my heart I feel that this was a deal breaker for me.

For now I'm staying until my youngest graduates High School which will be in three years. Maybe my feelings will change by then.

Ivyivy posted 2/28/2014 20:24 PM

So within a couple of days of Dday my WH was diagnosed with a brain tumor. His side was he went NC with AP and said he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I could not process the A or the illness. I just felt like I was stuck in some sort of nightmare. I dealt with work and the kids and offered him whatever support I could (but based on the events and his inability to get past the denial on his illness, I admit I did not do much). Now 7 months post Dday, his health appears stable (I say appears because I have minimum information), I am starting to think about whether I even want to try to R or if I just need to move on with my life. The combination of an A and illness just makes a difficult situation almost impossible (except that we have no choice but to keep living). I understand what you have been through/are going through.

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