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broken12 posted 2/27/2014 15:58 PM

How do you deal when your WS had an affair with a coworker? Not only that, but they're AP's boss. It hasn't come out or WS would get fired. WS also just accepted a promotion. I want to be happy for WS but i just can't. How do I deal with them seeing each other everyday? Some days I just want to be done.

spond posted 2/27/2014 16:05 PM

That's a tough one broken12.... In my situation, the AP works in a different area of the company. They don't have contact everyday... hell they can go a week or so and not be forced to talk to each other(or other weeks could talk a handful of times).

The one thing that made it extremely helpful for me, was informing the OBS of the affair. But there is no telling how the OBS will handle it, up to and including, telling the HR department about the A. So it is a very hard one.

Can your WS find another job or apply for a transfer?

myeverafter posted 2/27/2014 16:17 PM

They were mostly meeting on the days off that they had off together. So now that I am aware, it is easier now to monitor... And AP does the scheduling so her BS made her schedule them in opposite shifts. I don't know if this makes sense, but I would prefer them to work together, so I have both of their schedules.

turtle72 posted 2/27/2014 16:37 PM

Let me know if you find the answer. WH and the single COW share a cube wall.

Most days I don't think about it. But the days I do I want him to quit, which can't happen right now. On the really bad days I want to blow the whistle and get them both fired (sex happened on premises.)

He does a good job of letting me know where he is and what he is doing throughout the day and that helps. But really since they are face to face or could use company email I just don't have a way to really know. At this point I need trust that I will "know" this time if anything happens again and will deal with it then.

EaglesWings posted 2/27/2014 16:55 PM

Tough one!! In our case, she worked for US. I covered his backside to prevent potential sexual harrassment lawsuit. He has since left office to work mainly from home. I made her VERY aware that if EA continued she would be fired and I would explain exactly why to her BH. No action since then.

She is a damned good employee- so we have made it work. Really it was a game to her and a trip to "Fantasy Island" for him.

Hard yes, impossible no. They are both aware any more issues and they BOTH are gone. His brokenness enabled this to happen, she was just the one at hand. REALLY not about her, you gotta believe that.

FeelingSoMuch posted 2/27/2014 17:23 PM

Ugh! Same situation here.

As my IC says, how do you reconcile when the AP is a co-worker? "With great difficulty."

I don't think I can do it for life. I asked my WW to choose. It's her dream job, she didn't want to do it. Ultimately, she asked me for time to find a new job that would be fulfilling. I reluctantly agreed.

She asked to stay on until May 1 -- that was a year ago -- until the end of her current contract.

Last month, she announced she's not renewing it and turned down one other position with the company.

Having an end date and seeing progress has helped. It's been a very uncomfortable year for me. She gave me full access to her passwords -- I gave up on checking three months after d-day and have not done it since.

Ideally: Your best defence against cheating is your husband. Your best peace of mind is trusting your husband.

Reality: Husband isn't doing so great on the trustworthy department right now. For you, he needs to find work elsewhere. It's called a high-consequence action resulting from the affair.

What you can do: Give him a fair amount of time to move on.

What he can do: Be completely transparent about all of his interactions at work.

It's working for me, although it's been painful. The anxiety is lessening as we near May 1.

Stay strong.

VeryUncertain posted 2/27/2014 18:44 PM

It's so difficult.

WH was AP's boss. AP got promoted. It still makes me want to gag.

I never told anyone at his job or OBS because I didn't want WH to have any issues at work.

She's finally leaving soon but I also know it could have been anyone. I do my best to just keep it out of my mind these days when it creeps in.

I think I can posted 2/27/2014 21:37 PM

For me it helps that I outed the affair at work. And of course....time.

But it still sucks.

mchercheur posted 2/27/2014 21:42 PM

WH still works in the same building as OW, altho , since Dday, they no longer sit next to each other all day long.
WH stated that switching jobs was impossible.
We are 2 3/4 years out, & every day when he leaves for work, I wonder if he will see her today. Every day , if I don't hear from him at lunchtime, or if he is late coming home, I start getting suspicious.
Maybe that's why we are not futher along in R.

Imagine how much different it would be if OW was no longer in our lives?

Jls0320 posted 2/27/2014 22:36 PM

One of my requirements before attempting to R was that he needed to have her location removed from his work load. He complied, spoke to boss, explained situation and has not seen/ heard from her since. Finally.

broken12 posted 2/27/2014 23:08 PM

Thank you for the responses. No, he can't transfer after accepting this promotion. I really wish he could. He would most likely get fired if he went to hr. I just can't find it in me to be happy or excited for him. Some days are ok. Others, I have to keep myself from breaking down. And other times I just want to walk away so I don't have to deal with any of it. I hate this!

knolls posted 2/28/2014 01:52 AM

My H too is her boss

I struggled with the imagination thing for months after DD. You know the images of them at work. It was driving me insane. So I stopped. I felt if he was going to do it to me again then he was going to do it. I wasn't wasting any more of my time or sanity. My H knew I would be gone in a flash if I found any inkling of any personal conversations between them. I made him very aware that before he ever cheated on me again to just come to me first to end the marriage. Then he could sleep with whoever he wanted. His affair nearly killed me and nearly destroyed us. I would never go through that again. I'd rather be alone.
We are doing very well in R. We are in the time frame of their affair a year ago. We talk it out when he knows I'm a little off and he is honest when they do have to interact for work issues
Do I still have weak moments. Of course. This world we were thrown into-not by choice - is not easy. But I have learned a lot about myself in the last 10 months and being honest with my thoughts and fears and not holding back has helped me get through life

OakStreet posted 2/28/2014 03:57 AM

My WH is also the boss of the AP.

The day after DDay, I talked to her and she said she would be looking for another job, but hasn't found one (how hard is she trying?).

EVERY DAY I have to pass her parked car at the office before he arrives at work. EVERY DAY I mutter "bitch" as I drive by.

My WH has tried to schedule their hours so they are never in the building alone together. I think he is really trying to do that, but I know inevitably they will be alone.

Makes me crazy. While we are in MC, I'm sure he'd like to see me "get over" his A. I am reminded of it EVERY DAY.

alifeforesaken posted 2/28/2014 08:48 AM

WH is also AP's boss. I'm still struggling with this. As WH and I have talked about when they met up and ways they snuck around, or when they communicated helped. I can access his work email if I need/want to. He also isn't office bound and she is 90% of the time. So he has to travel to other sites and that helps. The toughest times are nights I know OBS works late (he works at the same company) or Saturday mornings, AP and WH work sometimes together but he told me they went to her house while OBS worked. He tries to contact me as much as he can in those hours, from landlines of locations he should be at to help keep me at ease.

I wish I could tell OBS, but I do fear that it would jeopardize his job and or cause him harm.

AP is not married to OBS, but they have a long term relationship and 2 kids. They are young, OBS has a criminal record, has betrayed her before, and WH is not her first OM, OBS does not know that, WH told me. I just recently saw a profile pic of OBS holding an automatic weapon, so yeah, not sure I want to risk the reaction.

WH loves his job, he worked very hard to get promoted, has no degree so finding another job that comes with the salary and benefits would be tough. At first he said he wouldn't leave, but lately he has asked if I would help with his resume and that he would look. He offered, so I'm hopeful on that respect. I also pray everyday that AP or OBS get fired, WH said they would move out of state for some other opportunity.

olwen posted 2/28/2014 09:54 AM

Ap was fwh's assistant. He didn't even tell me they were working together so he could protect their special little 'friendship' ironically he didn't want me to be jealous when 'nothing' was going on

BUT and I am trying to focus on this, he has done some pretty cool things to make me feel safer

1) he actually told his bosses what they had done! Off his own back too. So they accept that fwh and ap do not speak unless absolutely necessary. This really helps as he doesn't get asked about her, or vice versa and they don't get asked to work together etc.
2) he got her moved into an office away from him
3) he rings me or texts every break time and stands away from her on cig breaks
4)he comes home at lunch
5)applied for jobs all over the country
6) I can pop in anytime and ring him anytime
7) if away on business he takes our son for a little holiday and shares a room with him, will Skype me, show me receipts etc but really he will drive all night not to be away longer than needed.

lots more but they are the things that help me most.

Plus she is terrified of me after I blew up at her when I found out.

She did try to speak to him a couple of times but he handled it great and she got the message sharpish. It helps that he hates her and what they did and tells me every contact they have.

Scubachick posted 2/28/2014 14:39 PM

Ap was fwh's assistant. He didn't even tell me they were working together so he could protect their special little 'friendship' ironically he didn't want me to be jealous when 'nothing' was going on

Wow! That's exactly my situation! Makes no really eats at me. It just tells me that husband felt some type of attraction for her from the moment he promoted her to GM. He says he didn't want me to get jealous but what it really was..just like you said, he wanted to protect their friendship and keep doing what they were doing.

hopefulmother posted 2/28/2014 15:16 PM

My fWH had an affair with a co-worker too. It never gets better if they are still together. You need to decide what is more important the marriage which will never get better at this point with sanity issues or the job with continuous emotional anguish. You need to go to HR.

RidingHealingRd posted 2/28/2014 16:09 PM

How do I deal with them seeing each other everyday?

You don't have to. I told my Wh to get a new job, in a new state or I was leaving him. Period.

It took him 6mo to secure a new position, with a new company, 1600 miles away. He took a 10K pay cut, and dropped 3 levels but never complained. He did what he had to do to make things right in my world.

I will never understand how BS are able to deal with WS remaining in the same company with AP.

My WH agreed that if he did not find a new job, within a reasonable amount of time, he would resign and we would move with or without a job.

timetraveler posted 3/1/2014 19:09 PM

Sorry to all who go through the "workplace horror zone". My situation is a cautionary tale.
Here's the timeline:
H had a 5-6 week PA with COW in 7/09. He lied out of guilt in 1/10 and told me it was a ONS . We R obviously under false conditions. I required that he have only business contact & find a new job immediately. He agreed, looked for work, but never changed jobs, and "told me" he had business only interactions, but the friendship continued without any PA for 1 1/2 yrs. Then she started pursuing him again in 6/11. They restart the PA which lasted 3 months this time, with intermittent encounters every few weeks, FWB style. Stopped again for another 15 months. Then happened twice in the beginning of 2013. He ends it definitively with her & pissed her off in 6/13. She ran to HR, filed a Sex Harassment claim, bolstered by lies. A full investigation is done, he is vindicated but still had to resign. She is given 3 days off without pay. DDay#2 was during this investigation period.

I guess my reason for giving you the full timeline is that I felt we had handled it that first 18 months, we were closer than ever. We read some books, we went to MC, I was in IC.
But the EA continued and the PA restarted. Their communication was face to face, and the PA took place at her house 4 minutes away from the office at lunch time. There was no way for me to be vigilant or wary, I had absolutely no clue.

These are huge for me:
1. I had not read Dr. Glass's book "Not Just Friends"
2. I had not found SI
3. He did not do IC.

My opinion is S & AP cannot work together ever. If you are worried about S losing the job, guess what? It probably will happen anyway. The job is just one phone call or email away from being gone. And the AP like in our case, will not suffer any consequences. Fairness, there is none.

I made a huge mistake. I trusted blindly and believed he would never betray me again. What I didn't realize was that he had never really been in true R because of the continued lies until DD#2.

NC means NC.
Have S get out of the situation. NOW.
Don't make my mistake.
Don't make my H's mistake, that he thought he could "Just be Friends".
My thoughts & prayers

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