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Aceofbase posted 2/27/2014 17:25 PM

We can't get past one question without her becoming defensive. She keeps asking how many times are we going to go through this? She had only an EA if that is any better? And signs show me she is correct, just not sure.

I got the idea to get all the questions answered from my wife by writing them down and putting them in a fishbowl from Shirley Glass. This is a way for her to control the topics or questions. So far I have 27. A lot of them are easy. Some are about your relationship.

Are there any rules to go with this process?

1.) If we get into an argument the fishbowl questions are done.
2.) I will thank her for talking about this.
3.) She controls what question she wants to talk about. If she doesn't like the question she can choose another one. or maybe none that day.

Thanks in advance.

craig2001 posted 2/27/2014 17:30 PM

I would say the only rule is that she has to answer the question. Without lying.

What would start an argument?

The only thing that ever started an argument for me was a ridiculous answer that was an obvious lie.

Rules should be something like total honesty, not partial truths and not lies by omission either.

And a question does have to be answered.

Thanking her. That would be hard to say those words. But I might show it with a hug, showing signs that we will get through this.

If you don't mind saying, what is the one question that sets her off, that gets her defensive. I have found defensiveness usually means something bad, something the WW certainly doesnt want to discuss.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 5:31 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Aceofbase posted 2/27/2014 17:56 PM

there are a few. One is the guy she was messaging from Craigslist. This was after her first EA that ended 2 weeks earlier.

But I think it is me asking more questions or not accepting her answer. I think I am in to big of a hurry.

I asked her one time how she got EA1 phone number and she said that she was taking him home after the bar. His parents live next door. She thought she left her phone in the bar and he had her call it and it was in her purse. That seemed like a very poor lie at the time.

craig2001 posted 2/27/2014 18:05 PM

If you are only asking one per night, then why is she getting defensive about you asking a question.

Like I wrote, I believe getting defensive is like hitting a nerve and there could be more there. Or she hates herself for doing it and doesnt want to talk about it. But she has to realize that YOU need to talk about it.

I wouldn't let her get away without answering that question, especially with a second guy now.

The WW has so many ways to NOT answer a question. The getting defensive attitude, or the blame shift and turn it around on you by asking you a question.

Aceofbase posted 2/27/2014 18:24 PM

sorry it was never just one question but more of a discussion that always turned bad. I really think the fishbowl is a non-threatening way for her to have some control and for me to get closure.

Uhtred posted 2/27/2014 20:41 PM


I'm not completely clued in on your situation. It's easy to say how I'd handle the situation because I'm not you and not in your situation. However I'd light a fire and put the feet to it and I'd either get the answers to my questions no matter how uncomfortable it made her within reason. It's not about her anymore. She has nothing to bargain with and you are in control of the situation now. If my ww said to me one time "how many times are we going to do this" I'd march her to the door with her clothes.

I'm sorry man but that just made me angry for you. Sorry that she is minimizing the serious nature of what she's done.

scarednbroken posted 2/27/2014 21:21 PM

My WH was never serious about being faithful - unless you were talking about me. He is a major cake eater, two faced, and double standard. If some guy flirted with me he would get defensive. But he philanders with 20 and counting women bc he wants to. After one of my DDays I would ask him why... When,... What... And he would get mad and defensive. I found out this is because he was STILL active. He never stopped even tho he said he did. Even tho he said he wanted to work in us. He was worried I would ask a question and catch him on a lie. "Can't you get past this?" Is code for "I want to do what I want and have my ideal family."

You need to examine if she really wants to R or not. Decide on deal breakers. Also - if she is hurting a little bc of those hard questions... Tell her she isn't feeling a fraction of the pain she put you through yet. She wast betrayed. She knows she can trust you - she has little to no fear. Her only worry is if she can make it right by you so you stay. And if you do. She's damn lucky you did.

craig2001 posted 2/28/2014 07:13 AM

I really think the fishbowl is a non-threatening way for her to have some control and for me to get closure.

I sort of agree but there are two problems here.

1 She already has control, every WS who knows things that the BS does not know is already in control. Liars have the control, they already have the upper hand. Lying is a means of control.

2 Yes, closure, but that only happens if your wife answers the questions with total honesty and without all the dramatics and defensive posturing.

Aceofbase posted 3/2/2014 12:59 PM

I just threw away, the fishbowl questions. She will share with me what she wants to share with. It's is time to focus on myself.
It is in God's hands now. I am not afraid for he is with me. Sorry to scare away non-believers.

[This message edited by Aceofbase at 5:28 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

craig2001 posted 3/2/2014 13:03 PM

I think this is letting your wife off too easily which in some cases leads to other affairs. There has to be consequences and total honesty is certainly one of them.

And remember, God helps those that help themselves.

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