My WH left for OW on dday. He has come to get more stuff since and has not made any attempt to apologize or help with the responsibilities I have had to shoulder to get the house ready to sell, take care of the children, take care of the pets, and generally just survive as a single parent. When we did meet, he was hostile and didn't even want to hear about the children and issues I was dealing with regarding them and school.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that I "lost" some sort of battle for my H that I didn't even know I was part of. I thought that 20 years of marriage would have caused much more compassion. I was wrong. Apparently, I was wrong about who I thought my WH was. As I look back on my life with him, I see many times when he didn't make my happiness a priority (or even a consideration), from before we married, even. His needs were always the most important and he had no ability to delay gratification.
I am gradually shifting from being sad because I lost my H to being sad because I spent so much energy on a M that just wasn't worth it. I accepted crumbs and even kicks (both metaphorical and physical) throughout my M because he was the first person to love me, or say he did. My self esteem never improved while I was in the M. I can remember only a handful of times when I truly felt cherished and loved - everything else I remember I was accepting so much less than I deserved.
My life is going to be different with being D. But I am going to do things to make MYSELF happy, and not rely on someone else to do that. I hug and tell my DDs every day that I love them. I engage them in conversation and planning for our "new" lives, and I am showing them that lies are not something that we must live with, nor is disrespect or ignoring behavior. My girls are going to benefit from this. I know I will eventually. This is not what I expected when I fell in love at age 21 with the only boy who ever wanted me physically and expressed his love for me, but it is my NEW reality.
I hope one day that WH has the guts to truly look at himself and what he did, and what he lost with our wonderful, comfortable, and loving family, and can truly be R. But I can't hold my breath, I know.
Can hardly wait until I move away and start a fresh, new life. Cheers to everyone on SI who is looking for the same fresh start. I wish you well.