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hearts hurts bad, going to be an awful day rant

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StuckinNJagain posted 2/28/2014 09:24 AM

Had long talk with WW late into the evening and agin this am. While she says she finally realizes how bad she messed up and how she is doing everything in her powers to help me heal (this is true so far, but we are only about 7 weeks from dday), I am thinking it all may be in vain. I asked for details and she gave them to me. Thought they couldnt upset me any more, but boy was I wrong. I have always been able to control my emotions for the most part because of the very rough childhood I had. But I havent felt a hurt like this ever before. I am at such a low point. Thank god my children are at school and aren't home to witness. I feel like such a failure and totally worthless. I am hurting so bad today. So afraid of the future that I used to look forward to so eagerly. I haven't prayed in over 25 years and yet I find myself asking god for help. I am a wreck and have to go to work soon. Hope to get through the day without breaking down. I know WW knows the pain I am in and is trying to help as best she can but I don't think it will ever be enough. Right now there is no light at the end of the tuneel, it is an oncoming train and I am tied to the tracks. I hope to feel no pain one day and it is soo depressing to know it may be years before it happens.

Howie posted 2/28/2014 09:47 AM

The hard truth, it is going to be hard, you are going to have days like this for sometime.There is no way around that painful fact.This is like bad news from the doc (and you have had a horrible "accident")- you can't negotiate it away.There is no quick-curing drug.
I know. For about six months, facing the daily unrelenting agony, I just wanted to die.I wasn't going to give them the final victory of harming myself but I was sure nature would make the cure; no way I could endure what I was enduring. Yes, I know--the added details just when you have reached a plateau of coping. She: "I hadn't said -You need to know we ..." whatever. And yes, I did need to know.
Look, it is going to get better.Based on my experience and nearly all testimony here, 4-6 months say, you will not have crisis days like this- your real life comes back because your life, even now is WAITING for you, its there, to be your better future supplanting your present pain. We all have incredible powers of endurance -- and recovery. You will be happy again. You grow around this wound.Like a tree around a stake driven in the heart wood. It is good too that she is truly remorseful and perceives your hurt; a new life together can be built on that.
I hope I haven't sounded glib or drill sargeantish
(buck up!). This reflects what I went through.I am sorry this happened to you and I hope it works out for you.Best-H.

Howie posted 2/28/2014 09:57 AM

Let me add, reading your profile,you are in a tough spot.Your wife has real issues.Yep.Mine too-threes omes etc.But my point still stands,whatever you do with her, your life is bigger than all this. best-H.

SeanFLA posted 2/28/2014 10:15 AM

I know this doesn't help much, but the the pain will be unstoppable for quite a while. There just isn't any easy way through it, but through it. You are going to get all sorts of advice from family and friends. But many have never experienced it so they really don't understand it.

I'm numerous years out with an unremorseful WW and it still stings hard. I wake up a lot and still cannot fathom this is my life. I had it all, big house, pool, wonderful son, supporting in-laws, sports car, friends, etc. Now most of it is all gone. You can imagine here it is several years later and I'm still on this board. For many people it's been many more years even than me. And their stories now have other children involved out of the affair, etc. It's a life altering event no doubt. Sometimes you just don't know what to say. I remember those days I was so paralyze in pain I physically could not get out of bed, nor could I sleep. It was probably the closest thing to being a zombie I suppose there is. Yet I wanted nothing more than to sleep because it was my only escape from the pain. But when I woke up immediately it would hit me once I got my bearings. Many times the suicidal thoughts would enter my mind and I would try to justify it. It wasn't I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. Then came the huge weight loss, stress induced of course. Honestly I don't really know if it gets easier so much as your mind finds a way to begin accepting it and working around it.

Breezy150 posted 2/28/2014 10:51 AM

I am just going to post to say that you are not alone, I feel exactly the same way, but I do notice that my real crisis days are happening less every week. The pain is never gone, but I am able to cope with it and get through my day most days.

It has got to get better from here because there is no way to go lower.

Hosea posted 2/28/2014 12:13 PM


"I feel like such a failure and totally worthless."

Reading your posts and your profile, it's so clear you're in the Black Hole and being crushed right down right towards the singularity. Zero volume, yet an infinite density of pain.

I know it can be really hard to get outside yourself-- to see yourself through different eyes than the wounded, weeping ones in your head that have given you a lens on the world your whole life.

I know it's going to hurt, and keep hurting, and grieve you and anger you as you keep slugging through this. Some of that is absolutely unavoidable and no words can lessen its pain.

I would only suggest-- really firmly-- that you not allow your wife's actions to be any kind of indicator of your worth. Seriously, I've been there- so many of us have, men and women. The betrayal of your trust is agonizing-- and I will not pretend otherwise.

But just know your wife has proven, with her immoral choices, her deceits, her recklessness, she has PROVEN how unworthy she is to assign you value. So even though this hurts so bad, take that part of the pain that comes from feeling "worthless" and trash it if you can!

Don't let a person who can't even honor a sacred vow do this to you. Don't let a person who can't value the sanctity of marriage, who can lie so easily, who can treat sex in so utilitarian a fashion, who can fail a husband and her children so spectacularly as your wife has-- don't let HER actions make you feel worthless...

Of all the pains I had to go through after D-Day, this was one of the cruelest, yet it was the most unnecessary.

We can promise you-- you can get through this. YOU. And ten years down the road, a stronger You than you can imagine right now will be looking back at this very time, the very You that you are right now.

He will see it all from above and beyond this present nightmare, not inside and beneath. It will grieve him still to remember this time, this agony he endured. It will pain him especially that, in the midst of his bygone suffering, some of his pains were so, so unnecessary.

He will know what you can't easily believe now or see yet-- that you are not worthless at all. Your wife's actions may make you feel that way, but the future You-- and quite likely the future Her-- is going to look back at this time and see it all so differently. You are going to see then who the worthless one was, and who was the prize. Who behaved like a strong, faithful person-- and who behaved monstrously.

Try, even in your pain, to make the choices that will demonstrate your strength to your kids. Protect them, even though it may mean taking further wounds to spare your them. You yourself grew up in a painful childhood-- it's why your wife's actions hurt even more deeply than you thought possible. But try with all your might to be strong for them-- even though this hurts like hell.

You can get through this. And you are worth more than you can believe.

annb posted 2/28/2014 13:12 PM

Hi, StuckinNJagain, I am sorry you are in so much pain. Have you met with your doctor, and are you in counseling?

Keep repeating to yourself...your wife's actions are NOT a reflection on you! You gave her the gift of R more than once, and she took that gift and tossed it. Nothing to do with you, SHE is making these choices all by herself! Your wife is the failure here, failing to grasp the reality of what she is doing to you, your children, and herself. Failing to fix this back in 2009 after D-Day #1. Possibly putting herself in extreme danger.

Question: Is your wife in counseling, I mean serious, twice-a-week counseling?

I read your profile. She is a repeat offender. She did not "get it" the first, second, or third rounds. What is she doing differently thistime that is showing true remorse and a willingness to get to the root of her issues...because she has plenty.

Correct me if I am wrong, she met the last OM on a website? Did she ever think this guy could be a freaking nutcase who could have harmed her? Or your family? She "trusts" him? Her thinking is not rational, she is reckless, and IMO pretty frightening.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Whether you realize it or not, your children are going through this "with" you as much as you try to protect them from this nightmare. Your house has not been a real home in a long, long time bc of your wife's repeat infidelities.

Post here as often as you need, and do what you can to remove yourself from your environment whenever possible just to get away from the pain for awhile. I know the weather s*cks in NJ right now, but Spring is right around the corner, take advantage of the better weather, and try to get out and exercise some of the pain away.


StuckinNJagain posted 2/28/2014 14:28 PM

annb: yes, WW in IC currently. I start tomorrow. I had her download " not just friends" to read today. I too asked her repeatedly about that. Wtf were you thinking meeting someone online. Did you ever think what he may be or have done to you. Talk about stupid. Luckily he wasnt a serial killer. A scumbag but not a nut. He is a serial WH too. Talk about poor judgement. I cringe at the thought of what couldve happened. I cant believe this is the woman i married. She is starting to see how fuckedup her judgement has been. Said shehas an addiction and knowsshe needs help. Dont know ifthis is something i can overcom . But the thought of leaving my kids in that environment is petrifying.

HurtsBad posted 2/28/2014 14:36 PM

I saw this post and read your profile, and it was like looking in the mirror. I have been lurking for months, but your post made me reply. I was the same age as you on my D-day, and my wife left me for a guy who "really cares about me." A guy she admired for his knot tying skills and spanking technique.

I had nearly a year of unbearable pain and humiliation going through it. Nights curled up on the floor, sobbing. And lots and lots of prayers for a miracle that didn't come.

But my prayers were answered in a different way. I met someone better. I can honestly say that, six years out, I am happier than I've ever been. Maybe it's because I appreciate it more after what happened.

You have to believe that it WILL get better.

Good luck in your R, if that is what YOU decide you want.

StuckinNJagain posted 2/28/2014 14:51 PM

My last post is a little off as my mind is all over the place..
While WW judgment in regards to our marriage and her sexual escapades is petrifying, she has never displayed poor judgement with the kids thank god. She has been a good mother. But, when she does stuff like this god only knows what could happen.

keptmyword posted 2/28/2014 21:35 PM

she has never displayed poor judgement with the kids thank god. She has been a good mother.

I beg to differ.

No. A WW is not a good mother, nor is a WH a good father.

There is an instinct, a quality, a trait that is required for any and all good parents. That instinct is to ALWAYS put the NEEDS of the children WELL BEFORE the WANTS of the parent.

My XWW is great with kids. If you didn't know her and saw how she was with children then you would think she is the fucking mother of the year. She's great at entertaining them and showing affection.

But entertaining and showing affection is not RAISING them to be trustworthy, honest, moral, kind, compassionate, and emotionally healthy.


She did not.

She lied, deceived, betrayed and back-stabbed. She was irresponsible, uncommitted and full-of excuses. She was unaccountable for her behavior and blamed the very people she hurt the most. She lied to everyone that cared about her and embraced the people that helped her destroy her family and her children's foundation.

She destroyed the one thing that her children loved and NEEDED more than ANYTHING else in this world. She destroyed their source of strength and stability.

She destroyed their family.

And that, IS NOT a good mother.

My XWW hurt her very children more than anyone will in their lifetimes - short of someone actually taking their lives.

She became everything that she said she would never be.

She became the very kind of woman I DON'T EVER WANT MY SONS TO EVER BE WITH.

She's a great babysitter - but not a good mother.

A good mother would NEVER do what she has done.


StuckinNJagain posted 3/1/2014 08:21 AM

Makes sense which is something i am struggling with these days. Thank you for helping clarify. I guess she used to ne a good mother up until about 5 yrs ago but really hasnt been since,
Off to first IC session this am. Hoping to laugh again someday. I do so miss being happy.
Thank you SI for all the words of wisdom and support.

jb3199 posted 3/1/2014 11:07 AM

Just to echo the others---it does get better.

Time can be your best friend....or your worst enemy. It depends on how you look at it.

crisp posted 3/1/2014 12:40 PM

Keptmyword- Although your post does not contain original thought (I have seen the WW is not good a mother line before), the articulation of that principle was outstanding.

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/1/2014 21:29 PM

Just want to let you know that I have been where you are and that you have my thoughts with you when you are feeling such pain.
Yes, you will live even though it feels like you are not going too. Its going to be one hell of a ride, but with this forum to vent on it will be lots easier.
Hang in there.

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