I'm numerous years out with an unremorseful WW and it still stings hard. I wake up a lot and still cannot fathom this is my life. I had it all, big house, pool, wonderful son, supporting in-laws, sports car, friends, etc. Now most of it is all gone. You can imagine here it is several years later and I'm still on this board. For many people it's been many more years even than me. And their stories now have other children involved out of the affair, etc. It's a life altering event no doubt. Sometimes you just don't know what to say. I remember those days I was so paralyze in pain I physically could not get out of bed, nor could I sleep. It was probably the closest thing to being a zombie I suppose there is. Yet I wanted nothing more than to sleep because it was my only escape from the pain. But when I woke up immediately it would hit me once I got my bearings. Many times the suicidal thoughts would enter my mind and I would try to justify it. It wasn't I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. Then came the huge weight loss, stress induced of course. Honestly I don't really know if it gets easier so much as your mind finds a way to begin accepting it and working around it.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
It has got to get better from here because there is no way to go lower.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
"I feel like such a failure and totally worthless."
I know it can be really hard to get outside yourself-- to see yourself through different eyes than the wounded, weeping ones in your head that have given you a lens on the world your whole life.
I know it's going to hurt, and keep hurting, and grieve you and anger you as you keep slugging through this. Some of that is absolutely unavoidable and no words can lessen its pain.
I would only suggest-- really firmly-- that you not allow your wife's actions to be any kind of indicator of your worth. Seriously, I've been there- so many of us have, men and women. The betrayal of your trust is agonizing-- and I will not pretend otherwise.
But just know your wife has proven, with her immoral choices, her deceits, her recklessness, she has PROVEN how unworthy she is to assign you value. So even though this hurts so bad, take that part of the pain that comes from feeling "worthless" and trash it if you can!
Don't let a person who can't even honor a sacred vow do this to you. Don't let a person who can't value the sanctity of marriage, who can lie so easily, who can treat sex in so utilitarian a fashion, who can fail a husband and her children so spectacularly as your wife has-- don't let HER actions make you feel worthless...
Of all the pains I had to go through after D-Day, this was one of the cruelest, yet it was the most unnecessary.
We can promise you-- you can get through this. YOU. And ten years down the road, a stronger You than you can imagine right now will be looking back at this very time, the very You that you are right now.
He will see it all from above and beyond this present nightmare, not inside and beneath. It will grieve him still to remember this time, this agony he endured. It will pain him especially that, in the midst of his bygone suffering, some of his pains were so, so unnecessary.
He will know what you can't easily believe now or see yet-- that you are not worthless at all. Your wife's actions may make you feel that way, but the future You-- and quite likely the future Her-- is going to look back at this time and see it all so differently. You are going to see then who the worthless one was, and who was the prize. Who behaved like a strong, faithful person-- and who behaved monstrously.
Try, even in your pain, to make the choices that will demonstrate your strength to your kids. Protect them, even though it may mean taking further wounds to spare your them. You yourself grew up in a painful childhood-- it's why your wife's actions hurt even more deeply than you thought possible. But try with all your might to be strong for them-- even though this hurts like hell.
You can get through this. And you are worth more than you can believe.
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
Keep repeating to yourself...your wife's actions are NOT a reflection on you! You gave her the gift of R more than once, and she took that gift and tossed it. Nothing to do with you, SHE is making these choices all by herself! Your wife is the failure here, failing to grasp the reality of what she is doing to you, your children, and herself. Failing to fix this back in 2009 after D-Day #1. Possibly putting herself in extreme danger.
Question: Is your wife in counseling, I mean serious, twice-a-week counseling?
I read your profile. She is a repeat offender. She did not "get it" the first, second, or third rounds. What is she doing differently thistime that is showing true remorse and a willingness to get to the root of her issues...because she has plenty.
Correct me if I am wrong, she met the last OM on a website? Did she ever think this guy could be a freaking nutcase who could have harmed her? Or your family? She "trusts" him? Her thinking is not rational, she is reckless, and IMO pretty frightening.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Whether you realize it or not, your children are going through this "with" you as much as you try to protect them from this nightmare. Your house has not been a real home in a long, long time bc of your wife's repeat infidelities.
Post here as often as you need, and do what you can to remove yourself from your environment whenever possible just to get away from the pain for awhile. I know the weather s*cks in NJ right now, but Spring is right around the corner, take advantage of the better weather, and try to get out and exercise some of the pain away.
I had nearly a year of unbearable pain and humiliation going through it. Nights curled up on the floor, sobbing. And lots and lots of prayers for a miracle that didn't come.
But my prayers were answered in a different way. I met someone better. I can honestly say that, six years out, I am happier than I've ever been. Maybe it's because I appreciate it more after what happened.
You have to believe that it WILL get better.
Good luck in your R, if that is what YOU decide you want.
she has never displayed poor judgement with the kids thank god. She has been a good mother.
I beg to differ.
No. A WW is not a good mother, nor is a WH a good father.
There is an instinct, a quality, a trait that is required for any and all good parents. That instinct is to ALWAYS put the NEEDS of the children WELL BEFORE the WANTS of the parent.
My XWW is great with kids. If you didn't know her and saw how she was with children then you would think she is the fucking mother of the year. She's great at entertaining them and showing affection.
But entertaining and showing affection is not RAISING them to be trustworthy, honest, moral, kind, compassionate, and emotionally healthy.
YOU MUST LIVE THOSE QUALITIES FOR YOUR CHILDREN TO HAVE THEM.
She did not.
She lied, deceived, betrayed and back-stabbed. She was irresponsible, uncommitted and full-of excuses. She was unaccountable for her behavior and blamed the very people she hurt the most. She lied to everyone that cared about her and embraced the people that helped her destroy her family and her children's foundation.
She destroyed the one thing that her children loved and NEEDED more than ANYTHING else in this world. She destroyed their source of strength and stability.
She destroyed their family.
And that, IS NOT a good mother.
My XWW hurt her very children more than anyone will in their lifetimes - short of someone actually taking their lives.
She became everything that she said she would never be.
She became the very kind of woman I DON'T EVER WANT MY SONS TO EVER BE WITH.
She's a great babysitter - but not a good mother.
A good mother would NEVER do what she has done.
Time can be your best friend....or your worst enemy. It depends on how you look at it.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th