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Trigger like a slap in the face

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MandMs posted 2/28/2014 13:32 PM

So I'm driving back with my H after having a nice lunch and we drive past this barber shop supply store and he makes a comment about it and I say "Hey, I said the same exact thing about that place last summer, remember?" And we went back and forth trying to remember what we were doing that day and he says "Oh, yah! It was when we were walking the dog through those woods over in so-amd-so's neighborhood"
…and SLAM!! I remember all of a sudden that on that walk he told me that the first time he ever cheated on me he went to those woods with a girl he worked with and made out with her. (They both got poison-ivy as a result! hahahahah!! Instant karma!! )
All of a sudden all the air was sucked out of the car and my stomach twisted into a knot. At first he didn't notice and just kept on talking and was actually saying how we should do that walk again with the dog this summer. Right away I told him what I remembered and said I never want to walk through those woods ever again if I can help it. His first comment was "we only made out we didn't have sex" (because when I told him what I remembered it was that he had sex in the woods, kinda hard to keep things straight sometimes…) Then he said "I wish that was the only thing that ever happened and I never did anything else the rest of our M"
Then later when we got home he said "It's weird how just driving past the shop lead to you remembering something from the past."
Yah….weird…………..
I wish in that moment He would offer me some real comfort…. Maybe squeeze my hand maybe a hug when we got home, just an acknowledgement of my pain maybe?
What can I expect from him in a moment like that? I think I need to talk with him and tell him what I need so next time he will know what to do but I'm not really sure exactly what to ask for.

[This message edited by MandMs at 1:33 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

LA44 posted 2/28/2014 13:47 PM


What can I expect from him in a moment like that? I think I need to talk with him and tell him what I need so next time he will know what to do but I'm not really sure exactly what to ask for.

MandMs, actually....you do know what you need to ask for. It's in your own words....

I wish in that moment He would offer me some real comfort…. Maybe squeeze my hand maybe a hug when we got home, just an acknowledgement of my pain maybe?

Let him know exactly what you wrote above, either in a convo or write it down. Really healthy to express your needs and to do so as calmly as possible.

BtraydWife posted 2/28/2014 13:53 PM

I'm so sorry. It really sucks when you don't see them coming.

I agree with LA44. Tell him what you'd like him to do, what would help you in those moments.

LivinginLimbo posted 2/28/2014 14:07 PM

Then later when we got home he said "It's weird how just driving past the shop lead to you remembering something from the past."

You need to make him understand that this isn't something that simply gets "forgotten" and that "only making out" is a betrayal. It does sound like he's trying to minimize what he did and to rug sweep the parts that he finds unpleasant.

My FWH also thought that his unsuccessful hookups didn't count but now realizes that every single moment spent texting/emailing or "just kissing" another woman was cheating.

You need to let your H know your feelings. Much as we all wish our WS's had "Spidey-Sense" and knew our thoughts and how to comfort us, the truth is we need to communicate with them.

MandMs posted 2/28/2014 14:33 PM

Thanks guys. Like LA44 said, I know what I need to ask for from him. I'm just feeling so defeated and sad and like , "this again?!?! Really?..." I'm just so f*<€!$g sick of it. I know in my head that this is part I of the new normal for us. But I hate it and sometimes I'm just exhausted by how much work it takes to come back from this. Things have really sucked lately and I'm having a really hard time feeling positive.
It's been 3 years now since the initial DD and lots of TT since then, the most recient this past October when I found out he slept with his brothers wife.... I'm sick if talking about it, thinking about it, praying and meditating on it. Thanks for listening and being here.

RidingHealingRd posted 2/28/2014 16:21 PM

"we only made out we didn't have sex"

Gently I say to you, he does not get it.

he said "It's weird how just driving past the shop lead to you remembering something from the past."

And again, he does not get it.

He could benefit from reading these books:

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair-ebook/dp/B004ZG6UF4

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/?tag=mh0b-20&hvadid=3525316096&ref=pd_sl_1m00cbss4e_e

MandMs posted 2/28/2014 16:38 PM

Yah know, you're right Riding, he doesn't get it.
He can't "get it" just like I can't "get" how he could have betrayed me so thoroughly and completely.
I've given up on trying to figure out how he could have done the things he's done and I don't ever expect him to know how I feel or what I want without telling him.
If there's one thing I've learned over the past three years it is this, He can't read my mind. Pretty simple concept but it's taken me 15 years of marriage to learn this.
Anyway I guess where I'm going with this is everyone makes mistakes, saying simply that he doesn't get it implies that he doesn't want to get it. He wants nothing more than to make me feel safe and go above and beyond to be the best husband he can now. He just needs a clue sometimes.
Maybe I'm overly sensitive and on edge lately but the comment that he doesn't get it didn't feel very gentle. It felt kind of judgmental.

[This message edited by MandMs at 4:39 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

BtraydWife posted 3/1/2014 12:54 PM

I understand why you hurt. I don't think there is a gentle way to say he doesn't get it. Everything that means is pretty overwhelming. Let that trip and his comments show though, that he doesn't get it. And if you are staying together you will not be able to heal if he doesn't get it,

I went a long while where I hurt and felt uneasy. We mostly stayed home and the thought of going to the grocery store alone no longer felt so difficult. Things seemed to be settling in in some way. Then something would happen.

This went on for several years and it's so painful. Each time the "something" was different. Once was a father's day breakfast with his dad. Once was a comment he made to a friend. Another was a trip just he and I and the kids took. So the circumstances of each "something" were different but each one caused a reaction that was so very painful.

He didn't get it. Each time he did or didn't do something that made it very clear he didn't get it. Which meant that even though time had passed, we had not been healing.

It's taken a very long time to get him to understand and I'm still not certain things will be ok.

We tell you this because we want to help you avoid this same pain. His comments are symptoms of him not getting it. They are reminders that things may not end up ok. Please take action on all of these things, every single time they are happening.

It's not on you to get through this alone and it's not healthy for your relationship to attempt to. Tell him, each time and tell him how it makes you feel.

What has he done to show that healing the marriage is a priority for him? He should still be in weekly IC. You are doomed without that. What books have you read together? Tell him what you need for triggers and he should innact those things immediately.

Don't ignore the symptoms. They are a sign you aren't healing and could very well end up in the same place that got you here. He needs to get it, for your marriage to have a chance. You need to demand he takes actions to help himself get it.

This sucks. It totally sucks and is the most painful thing ever. There is no part way healing. You feel healed or you don't. Demand true and total healing for your marriage. He should be the leader for this, not you. You might have to tell him that part though. Make it a requirement.

((MandMs))

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