You guys, right now I'm just overwhelmed with angry feelings that I'm having to totally change my life. I'm so pissed!!!
I've had to scramble like mad and make humbling phone calls to try and get my kids into a decent public school next year. Literally begging strangers in emails and phone calls for them to take pity on me due to my circumstances. I HATE PULLING THE PITY CARD!!! I hate it. I hate having to ask for help. I hate that I need help. I hate having to depend on the kindness of strangers. I hate that I have to send them to public school at all (we used to homeschool, we loved it and were good at it). THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT MY KIDS WERE ACCEPTED INTO ONE OF THE BEST SCHOOLS IN THE STATE. So my efforts paid off, as did the fact that my kids are (bragging but it's true) brilliant and had the kind of grades which made the school want them. I'm truly excited for them, this school will afford them many opportunities. But still. I did not want this to be my life.
I'm angry that I still can't find a job. I'm angry that I have to even look for a job. It's been over a year, only a handful of interviews, and no job. I hate that the support calculations in this state assume I'm working 40-hours per week at minimum wage. I'm not. I'm not, and I can't. I'm pissed off that the kind of jobs I'm applying for are "part time clerk" jobs. WTF, people! WTF!!!! I'm pissed that all the hopes & dreams I had for my professional future are shot to hell, I have to walk away from them when I've passed the mid-century mark and start OVER. I thought I'd paid my dues back when I was young enough to pay dues. I've been that maid in the hotel. I've been that girl who comes to your house & cleans up & refinishes your cabinets & walks your dog. I've been that apprentice who works 60-70 hours a week while going to night school and moonlights just to be able to afford some hamburger to mix into her dried bean soup. I've been that small business owner who had an award-winning booth at the trade show because I actually am that good. But being that good doesn't translate into making enough money to support myself and put three kids through college. I have to walk away and start the fuck over. I'm pissed. I don't want to. I DON'T WANT TO!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE A SECRETARY OR CLERK THE REST OF MY LIFE. I want my artistic career back.
I want my dreams back.
I know this is terrible, but why couldn't he have just dropped dead of a heart attack or been the victim of a jealous husband's shotgun? I am so not one to advocate violence. I even had two entirely separate people seriously offer to kill him for me because they knew this would be easier for me. Of course I said no. But how is it that I even know people who would do something like that???? Still, it disturbs me that my thoughts have a path marked I Wish He Had Died. God forgive me, but the insurance money would have eased that burden. I wish he had died because then I wouldn't have to keep taking my kids to counseling to try and help them deal with such an abusive, perverted asshole of a father. I wouldn't have to be afraid every time they go to see him that he'll molest them or let his fucking pervert roommates molest them. Or that he'll pull yet another of his reckless driving stunts and get them all killed in a horrible auto accident. We could have been over the white-hot grief by now and have moved into Life Without Daddy phase of healing. Instead we have to daily deal with his filthy tentacles of perversion & cruelty. I can't get him out of my life. I can't get him out of my children's lives.
I'm so pissed. So pissed. I have a deadline looming for another scholarship application and I can't bring myself to finish it. I DON'T WANT TO BE GOING BACK TO COLLEGE. I DON'T WANT TO START MY LIFE OVER. I DON'T WANT THIS.
Of course I'll do it. I finish the application. I'll somehow find the means to keep paying the bills. My slow, pathetic slide into being a leech on society is already starting, as I found out I qualify for Medicare now. Soon it will be food stamps. God, I'm back this low again. I thought when I was on food stamps THIRTY FUCKING YEARS AGO that that would be it. When I managed to get off them I was so proud of myself and swore I'd never be back on public assistance again. HERE I AM AGAIN!!!
I'll turn this around. I don't know how. This will get better. I just need to say these horrible things to someone. Need to get them out. I'm sitting here crying and being mad at myself for crying. We're going to see the children/family counselor this afternoon and now I'm dreading it because he's so understanding. He's like that kindly favorite uncle or grandpa type (not like my sicko grandpa LOL) who understands you and delivers reality in a gentle, encouraging manner. I hate crying when I'm there because it's a waste of time. Which of course is stupid, of course you cry when you're with a good counselor. Well, at least I do.
Now I'm rambling.
Apparently I've hit a dip in the rollercoaster. Fucking rollercoasters.
I need to get back to the scholarship thing now. If you see me posting on here this afternoon please ensure I've made progress on that, okay? I'll never turn things around if I don't get back into school.
Prayers for you and your kids! (((Nature_Girl)))
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown
Congratulations to your kids. Your begging and pleading was because you want the best for them and won't take no for an answer--that's amazing. I see nothing wrong with it. You fought for their future and that's what matters, not how you did it.
I also want to say you should not be ashamed if you go on Medicare or SNAP. I know it's easy to feel bad about it but no one would ever look at you and see a 'leech on society'--and if they did, shame belongs to them for that, not to you.
Good luck on the scholarship. Maybe being in classes again will turn out to be just what you need.
I can see you take a lot of pride in yourself. You should. But being proud doesn't mean you never are allowed to take help, or need others. It's truly okay to rely on the kindness of strangers or on assistance programs. It does not reflect badly on you as a person or reduce your worth.
It's okay that it would be easier if he died, too. That's not malice talking--it's truth. You can certainly be forgiven for seeing the truth and for wishing things were easier on your family.
I hope your counselor gave you some new peace at your session.
First of all, your home schooled kids will be fine. I work at a college (I'm officially a "clerk" but of course we do so much more to make the world go around...) and whenever we encounter homeschoolers we have joy because we know they are sparky and smart and already have critical thinking skills to navigate the crazy world of post-secondary education.
Instructors love them.
Second of all, mourning the loss of having an artistic career is OK, but realize that you have to do whatever is required to make life happen, and that means working a few jobs you may not like.
Whatever, if it puts food on the table, it's a blessing.
I worked for temp agencies and can't count the number of assignments I had where they welcomed me with open arms because I was there to help them catch up on a backlog or cover for someone who was away. I always tried to show up with a "can-do" attitude and always got the job done to stellar review. That was satisfying.
I could have been a musician (I'm that good) but my practical side always won out. So I work as a "clerk" at a great school for union pay with fabulous benefits, and the rest of the time I go to school to finish a (what many would say is completely useless) history degree, and play music for my own pleasure.
Just because you have to work in the real world does not mean you have to give up on your creative side. You can do both.
Once you get over the angries, you will hopefully work out a balance between work and life that works for you.
Your kids will more than likely get full scholarships, so I wouldn't stress too much about their education right now. That *is* a waste of your precious energy.
Big hugs. This is hard, but you're tough and you will make it.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:22 PM, February 28th (Friday)]
But now because STBXH couldn't keep it in his pants.....
I'm waiting for the 'Deed in Lieu of Foreclosure' to be final on our house. My kids had to transfer schools mid-term (not fun for a H.S. Junior). Thank GOD my parents took us in, otherwise I don't know where we'd be able to afford to live. I'll actually get less money from STBXH once the formal financial agreement goes through.
Do not feel bad about being on public assistance. This is what it is for. If you calculate all the taxes you've paid in your life, you probably paid back whatever help you previously had and more. You are NOT a leach on society. You and your kids are a long term investment that will pay off big.
Going back to school is the right thing to do. I just finished up my application to the local community college. I think there are grants out there for SAHMs returning to school. They have a Financial Aid office at the school that should be able to help. Otherwise I have no clue where to start looking. It'll be practice for when DD goes to college in 18 mos.
I also completely understand the deadly wishes for STBXH. There is enough hardship in this life without our 'loved ones' hurting us like this. Before I knew what was happening on D-Day I actually said, "At least the cops didn't call saying he was dead in a car accident." Now...not so much. When I think about what I could have done with the insurance money, or how I could have kept my happy memories of my marriage... Let's just say he's lucky I have morals.
I'm glad you vented here. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one dealing with this bullshit. I hope it makes you feel better too.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Just want to remind you that your future is going to be amazing. Your strength, resourcefulness, attitude, endurance and etc can ONLY lead to good things, NG. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels that through what you have shared here and how you have supported others here. All your work and life experiences are not for naught ~ I know you know this.
I'm so glad you are seeing the counselor today. Good timing with this vent. Process the shitty feelings so that you can move forward (financial aid application ) I'll check the board this afternoon for your update
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT MY KIDS WERE ACCEPTED INTO ONE OF THE BEST SCHOOLS IN THE STATE. So my efforts paid off, as did the fact that my kids are (bragging but it's true) brilliant and had the kind of grades which made the school want them. I'm truly excited for them, this school will afford them many opportunities.
There is so much to be angry about. A betrayal is the gift that keeps on giving apparently. It is not just that someone who once promised to love, honor and protect you basically screwed you over and treated you instead with hate, dishonor and put you in harms way financially, physically, and emotionally.
These aholes make a series of bad choices that mess up so many other people's lives for so long, esp when there are little ones involved. And sometimes they are righteous and smug about it.
You have every right to be pissed- your whole life got unended! You will get through it and it will be okay, but it is also totally okay to be pissed off now.
I know this is tough. I understand you don't want to be on welfare. Know this though, at times welfare is required. It doesn't make you less of a person or mother. You do what needs to be done. This is actually the reason for government support.
You have a gift in writing. Keep working on that. Hell I think you could use not only your own experience but others you know from here to make a novel. What seems to be missing to me is the 'Cheaters handbook and how to survive the separation/divorce'. I think your skills and experience are what is needed to pull this together.
Dream big, help others by letting them know what they may be in for.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
I know you'll do it but I too hate that you have to.
You have been heard, sister. Loud and clear.
There is so much upside to cutting that parasite out of my life but I'm still dealing with the consequences of his fraud.
I hate it that I've had children I can't afford. I too sometimes wished he would just drop dead and he's not even anywhere near monster that you're dealing with.
Sending you strength - you have it in spades but know I'm rooting for you here on the other side of the world.
10 years from now we'll look back in wonder at how the hell we overcame it all, but we did.
If it was not for your words along with some others, I would not have grown into the person I am today! So vent away but remember who you ARE!
Love ya girl!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
I know it was a vent but your post helped me. I was feeling sorry for myself recently and I have been troubled by the amount of time I have spent fantasizing about the Snake's death. Seeing someone like you with bigger challenges putting in the hard work to overcome them inspires me to feel that things will work out for me too if I just have a tenth of your strength. Because I know things will work out for you. You are the reason I'm glad to help fund welfare and food stamps and other public assistance. So don't be ashamed. But your ex should be and he should have dropped dead. Maybe he still will
But I know you won't count on that
I'm so sorry you're having a down day. The sun is actually shining.... Don't know about you but that's helping my mood a bit.
It really is a roller coaster. Not just the emotions but the way our lives go. You are at this low point because this is the ride your XWH decided you should all get on, not because of anything you did wrong. And you absolutely will get it turned around, because you are one of the smartest, toughest, strongest women on here. I really believe that.
ps- It's 4pm. How's that application coming along??
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
My mom went back to school on a grant because she'd been a SAHM my whole life and my dad left for the OW. We were on food stamps. We lived in an old single-wide trailer and she drove an old nasty Toyota that my aunt gave her. She cut up some of her clothes to make me school clothes that year. But I don't remember any of that. I only remember how strong she was, even though some days were harder than others and she cried at times. She went through 4 years of college and became a nurse- today she's a supervisor to a bunch of school nurses, gets fabulous benefits, great pay. She gave us a life we'd never have had with my dad.
To this day, there is no one I have more respect for than my mother.
PS- if anyone has the right to wish death on their X, it's you. I'll keep my fingers crossed so you won't have to.
Edited because I worded something in a way that made me sound condescending, which is the last thing I want to convey!
[This message edited by haysuth01 at 6:47 PM, February 28th (Friday)]
I'm just going to leave this here, because it made me happy and I want you to be happy too.
I hear ya. We all do.
You have enormous support here and so many people cheering and believing in you. Remember that when you hit the dips and feel so low.
pparently I've hit a dip in the rollercoaster. Fucking rollercoasters.
Indeed. (sorry but this made me chuckle.) It also makes me believe that this is a very very temporary dip. You see it. You are processing it. You are a survivor, 1st rate fucking awesome survivor!!!
I will leave you with this. How do you eat an elephant? ......................................................... One bite at a time.
Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1
Our ddays are about the same, our feelings right now are about the same. I am convinced this is the last " " we have to do, get them out of our heads and then it's all behind us.
IT totally sucks being in this place (I'm over 50, too).
My best friend went thru the Medicaid/SNAP deal like us....She decided to receive every bit of help at this time so she could get on her feet. Because she felt that once she got her education/job she knew she'd contribute to society and would be able to give back much more than she received.