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Why is your R working?

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LA44 posted 2/28/2014 14:10 PM

There is a wonderful thread with great insight from many BS and fWS as to why R has not worked for some. I encourage you to take a look at it. I decided I would write down why R is working for us.

We are almost 15 months from D-Day.

Because he owned it from the get-go.
Because he demonstrated remorse. And still does.
Because he went NC. She broke it many times. He told me about each one.
Because I did not make any MAJOR decisions during a very emotional time. Man, those first 12 weeks were HELL ON EARTH.
Because he answered all of my questions time and time and time again.
Because I wrote down all the things I needed to accept and gave myself time to accept them.
Because he started IC in Jan. 2013 and still attends.
Because I go to IC to discover more about me - the things I like. The things I don't like.
Because he is present with me. With our kids. At work. He is where he is supposed to be - where he WANTS to be - and loving it.
Because he apologized to the others he used and hurt - my sister and my parents.
Because I accepted that R is not linear. We will have set-backs.
Because I have made a place for this to exist in my head and its not going to kill me.

Because I am one hell of a human being to take this traumatic event and know that I did not cause this. I will not stay in a place of anger and that this, while it changed me, does not define me. And no matter what happens, I can either learn and grow from this, or I can't. That is really what it ultimately came down to for me.

Why is your R working?

blakesteele posted 2/28/2014 14:24 PM

Many of the same reasons here, LA44...but some stark differences in our journey. Mostly revolving around the actions of your husband vs my wife. I believe that is a large reason why we trail behind you guys.

Short answer (as I am working on being more concise)....

R for me right now is working because I see so much growth and growth potentional in me now, I hate to give up. I believe D and finding another woman, someone who would instantly make me feel GREAT would reduce my motivation to keep working on what needs to be worked on within me. Delayed gratification pays big dividends (Thank you Dave Ramsey!)!

R for me right now is working because I see so much growth and growth potential in my wife now, I hate to give up. I would always wonder "what if" at this point......

Both my wife and I are growing and changing in ways we either thought we didn't need to grow OR that we simply could not grow.

Through the pain, we both see serious potential into what our M can be...what God had planned for us....and an opportunity to do M in a much healthier way.....which we can then model for our girls.


Still in pain, still have anxiety, but very pleased to be in R.....even if our start was slower than ya'lls.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:27 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

rachelc posted 2/28/2014 14:30 PM

I don't even know if we're in recovery.
However, the last few weeks we've both had instances where we could have jumped in the ring and we didn't. And we let the crisis go and moved on without resentment but with a pledge for more communication on the issue we needed to overcome.

[This message edited by rachelc at 2:31 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

Morhurt posted 2/28/2014 14:37 PM

I feel like I'm now married to the man I thought he was all along. I love him. He's my best friend. He's working so hard to change and I feel his changes in my heart. I know for a fact I could not be happy(er) with someone else. I finally feel strong and worthy and I love that.

LA44 posted 2/28/2014 14:39 PM

And believe me blakesteele when I say that A still pains me. It does. I cry. But I am doing my very best to keep moving through.

Yes. Our spouses reactions following D-Day were totally different. And my H ended the A one year before I even found out. This brought me at least some peace. You did not have that and I recall reading your posts last year at this time and cringing at what you were experiencing. I simply cannot believe what some people have to deal with. I admire your strength and your faith.

R for me right now is working because I see so much growth and growth potential in my wife now, I hate to give up. I would always wonder "what if" at this point......

I see this too in my H. I simply cannot believe how little I was getting and accepting pre-D-Day compared to the man who greets me every morning when we wake.

@rachelc, that is great to read.

And we let the crisis go and moved on without resentment but with a pledge for more communication on the issue we needed to overcome.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:40 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

whattheh posted 2/28/2014 14:58 PM

Going thru this trauma together, realizing what we could have lost and being emotionally closer has reaffirmed that we do indeed have a strong bond and has deepened our intimacy.

My fWH has been transparent, never broke NC, is appropriately repulsed by OW and his involvement, has cared for me thru the healing... all of these have helped tremendously as we slog our way thru this. And me standing by him at his worst has shown him how much I truly love him which I think he had lost sight of.

There are things he could improve on in my mind but I'm not expecting perfect. He has to work on things from his end but has done well given the circumstances. And I'm working on my stuff.

I think I can posted 2/28/2014 15:10 PM

Because if he doesn't give me what I need, I peck him to death like a big Reconciling chicken until he does! (Thanks, Divorce forum, for that term!)

Because I know I can and will walk away if I have to.

AFrayedKnot posted 2/28/2014 15:24 PM

Because we are both to stubborn to quit

silentscream13 posted 2/28/2014 15:29 PM

Not in R yet. Not even considering R yet, as it is too soon.

But, I am saving this thread in my Favorites, so when I feel the time has come to make a decision, I can look back and refer to it!

Great thread!

RidingHealingRd posted 2/28/2014 15:48 PM

The main reason:

Because my WH wanted it more than I.

And he works hard every single day to prove that.

The second reason:

WH knew that I was not afraid to leave him and would not tolerate anything less than his putting 200% in to making it right.

Third reason:

We moved 1600 miles away leaving so many triggers behind. This certainly made R a bit easier.


ETA:

Because I know I can and will walk away if I have to

^^^Good for you I Think I Can. I wish that every BS could make this statement.


[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 3:51 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

Katz13 posted 2/28/2014 16:36 PM

Great posts!
So far it is working only 2 months and 1 day out from D-day.
Positives:
NC not broken
fWH quit job and got another one
fWH expresses remorse and openness
in MC
fWH expresses his feelings for me hourly if I need it


I dont know what I would've done without SI. It is the best.

sisoon posted 2/28/2014 17:03 PM

Pretty much the same as you, LA44.

Kyrie posted 2/28/2014 19:31 PM

Exactly, RidingHealingRd - my fWH is doing the same as yours. We didn't move that far away, but we moved about 300 miles away, he quit his job, ended the A on his own. For 6 years after ending it, he thought he could keep it secret -- he felt relieved that he got out and grateful no one knew. Once I found out, I insisted he get IC. He's still in IC and has been consistently seeing his therapist for 2 years. He has grown and matured so much because of it. NOW, now he sees what a foolish choice he made AND how foolish it was to think that just because I didn't know, his betrayal had no consequences on our M, me or himself. Now he sees how ridiculous that line of thinking is. He is mortified by his behavior. He owns it. He is determined to spend his life becoming the man he wants to be.

AND, I've worked my ass off learning about affairs, fully grieving, working to understand my own sh*t, stepping out of my comfort zone to reach for my H, offer compassion when I want to withdraw, and remaining present. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I stood by and tolerated a mediocre marriage, that I was disconnected, and I shut down. He messed up with an A, for sure, and I was not living my best.

We love each other. We're stubborn. We value our relationship and our family more than ever. We refuse to give up. Too much is at stake to not fight for what matters to us both.

morethantrying posted 2/28/2014 19:43 PM

LA44 I love your positive post! So often we focus on what is not happening, who is not doing, or what is not being done and on and on.

The positive perspective (words stolen from J. Gottman) in a relationship is what moves you forward and keeps you focused on a happy married life. It also helps, that it is okay for everything and everyone not to be perfect...who can, but to acknowledge sincere efforts on both sides for a long, meaningful journey together...certainly the journey has been enriched by getting through such a struggle together...

it is hard to come to this perspective, but it is one I am now open to and THAT positive view of our marriage of our true relationship really helps too.

DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 2/28/2014 19:47 PM

LA44....THANK YOU!!

Great post...I love that you didnt make any MAJOR decisions during an emotional time. Its easy to look at the negative. It takes a lot of strength to see and remember the positive!!

Thanks!!

LA44 posted 2/28/2014 20:14 PM

Glad this post has resulted in feeling good. And Silentscream, you will even post it in your Fav's? Wow! I am flattered! Thank you. I often post positive.

@RidingHealingRd. Yup. My H wanted it more then me too. I remember feeling relieved by this. It was, in the beginning, at least one thing that had a calming effect on me. There wasn't much else!

@ Kyrie, this part of your post sounds exactly like me....

I've worked my ass off learning about affairs, fully grieving, working to understand my own sh*t, stepping out of my comfort zone to reach for my H, offer compassion when I want to withdraw, and remaining present. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I stood by and tolerated a mediocre marriage, that I was disconnected, and I shut down. He messed up with an A, for sure, and I was not living my best.

I love my H but I dislike his computer very much so will say goodnight! Hope to wake up to more responses.

learningtofeel posted 2/28/2014 20:45 PM

LA44 this is lovely. Thank you very much. The most important part for me of your list is that you have made a place for this to exist in your head and it's not going to kill you, AND that it changed you but does not define you. Those are the two places I am hoping to come to as the weeks continue.

My own major step last week (which I posted about) helped me also to realize that Aboutdamntime is still the guy I'd want to go out with. If I were single and looking, I'd look at him. Not the lying cheating side of him, but the parts I already knew PLUS the parts he and I are learning about now, those are pretty sweet. And complex, and imperfect.

That doesn't eliminate the hurt I still feel, and all the triggers and reminders that happen daily - but it does help me see why I am still here and still want to work on R.

ItsaClimb posted 3/1/2014 05:20 AM

Our R is working because:

*my fWH is going above and beyond. He is by no means perfect, he battles with communication sometimes, but he owns his stuff-ups and he learns from them and keeps on trying and keeps on growing. I think that is key.

*My fWH loves me. He shows me this actively. I sometimes struggle to accept that love, but he never wavers.

*I have committed to R. I struggle, but I keep learning, keep trying, keep moving forward - even if it is 2 steps forward and one step back.

*We are continuously talking about our struggles, the demons we are wrestling, our feelings, our thoughts. We have talked more in the last 18 months than we did in the 23 years before this I think!

*Our sex life is sooooo good

*Because it's worth it. This time of horrible struggle and hardship is worth what the end result is going to be. I know that for sure.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 5:21 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]

gfrich posted 3/1/2014 05:54 AM

Why OUR R is working for us is.......
*It is what we both want, there is just too much value in our history to throw it away.

*We talk through everything, we don't always get it right, but we are learning.

*We are both beginning to understand our weaknesses when times are tough or we talk about difficult things and we are working on them as well as being more understanding towards one another.

*The 2 of us have both feet in and are fully committed to R.

*I validate my wife's feelings (i know I don't always get it right)

*I see and appreciate the effort my wife is putting into R, because I know it is not easy for her.

*We have made our M the centre of our universe, but at the same time realise that there are still 2 other entities (us as individuals) in this relationship.

*We have a great sex life

*Last but not least for right now, SI. What we have learnt from SI has been invaluable and would not be where we are today without the help of SI!!

Justgreatnews posted 3/1/2014 07:47 AM

Was just thinking about this yesterday. The remorse and responsibility my wife has shown are obviously key factors. The big one for me has to be that neither of us have "hardened hearts". We both still have a soft, tender, whatever heart toward the other. The only starting point that will make things work.

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