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knightsbff posted 2/28/2014 14:33 PM

Veteran waywards riddle me this...

What is this disbelief I have found?

I'm not that far out, 18 months. I thought I had accepted that I had an A an all the nasty stuff that goes along with it. I have been actively working on myself and my M. I've notice that as I learn to love myself my capacity to love my H has increased. That was a surprise.

Now in the mundane moments we spend together riding in the car or doing household chores I'm overwhelmed with how much I love him. Sometimes that feeling of overwhelming love is followed by shock and disbelief. I had an affair!!!??!!! How could I have done that!!!? It's so unbelievably insane! I love this man and the life we have together, the good and the bad. How could I have thrown it all away? It just doesn't make sense.

Is this feeling of shock and disbelief some other level of fogginess? Do I need more work on acceptance? Is this a stage?

SandAway posted 2/28/2014 16:21 PM

I am no where near being a veteran but I wanted to comment anyway

I think it has nothing to do with fogginess but more with compassion. Your out of the fog and you see the destruction your A caused. You see the pain in your BH everyday. You realized what you could have lost and your thankful for everything now.

I know exactly how you feel and I am sure I haven't explained anything that you don't already know. But I wanted to comment anyway.

It really is unbelievable how selfish we were...

MissesJai posted 2/28/2014 16:25 PM

Is this feeling of shock and disbelief some other level of fogginess?
Nope. This quote sums it up "The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." You have new eyes. Everything will look different.
Do I need more work on acceptance?
Is this a stage?

Just had to be succinct.

confused43 posted 2/28/2014 18:42 PM

Please send some my way...I truly hope to be posting something like this eventually. It gives me hope to read this so thank you!!!

SoCo posted 2/28/2014 20:34 PM

Kbff... If I may be so bold as to suggest you always share these thoughts and feelings with your spouse.......

Wonderful healing power in those words! JMHO

SlowUptake posted 2/28/2014 21:23 PM

Welcome to integrity and authenticity KnightsBFF.

You're doing the work to be who you want to be.

It's scary looking back and seeing the desperate excuse for a human being that we were.

I had an affair!!!??!!! How could I have done that!!!? It's so unbelievably insane!

And then we begin to understand why our BS's have such a hard time trying to make sense of it.

Well done, you're well on your way to healthy!

Hosea posted 2/28/2014 21:45 PM


What SoCo said!

If you can share this revelation with your BS, it would be such a huge encouragement. (Though if you do, you might consider a tweak- maybe framing the "I had an affair!" bit a bit more negatively / less neutrally? Just IMO.)

Even after Reconciliafion, the BS so often carries a quiet, dull aching in the heart. It becomes Ambient Emotional Noise- mostly filtered out of the mind the new calm of a Reconciled marriage.

Yet, for most, it's there. It's almost always there. It's a melancholy song that plays all but out of earshot. But in silence and isolation, meditation or moments of self-reflection, it can grow louder.

The fWS spouse who has discovered even greater depths of love for their BS should never hesitate to share this discovery with them. It is unrequested (usually)-- yet an always welcome reminder of gratitude for the BS's selfless gift of forgiveness.

I do not doubt my own fWW's thankfulness and her deep love for me. But I would my heart would skip a beat and flood with joy if she told me overtly every once in awhile.

grains posted 2/28/2014 23:54 PM

Thank you for describing what I have also felt so strongly. It is hard to accept that we have been so uncaring, disrespectful and neglectful of our BS. They have given so much to us and stood by us. We then realize that they matter so much to us. How is it possible that we betrayed them? I do not think this is another level of fog and denial. It is the starting point for the digging that we need to do to fix ourselves so we can be the partner that our BS can accept and reconcile with.

LA44 posted 3/1/2014 09:42 AM

BS here (as you know)! Hope you don't mind me posting kbff. My H is an SI member but a quiet one. He talks about this "disbelief" a lot. He seems dumbfounded that he could have had an A and has been in IC for 14 months figuring out why. He seems amazed that his choices could be so selfish for so long and that all that means the most was right in front of him all along. He says it comes to him when he is driving in the car or just doing some random thing. He thinks of the AP as a "concept" now. A concept of how bad things can get when one is not being honest with themselves.

Just so you the BS, I don't see it as foggy-ness. He has never seemed more....awake and it only gets better! He shares this thought with me often and I am glad for that. He cannot recall self-absorbed comments he made 13-15 months ago. ie: Dad, I am trying to so hard but LA is soooo mad. This is tough" That was a foggy time for sure.

Anyway....I hope more vets come along to comment for you but I am on side with Slow Uptake. My two cents as the BS is that this is a good thing. I know as the BS I have accepted most of the things that have happened. I guess at 15 months in, as hard as it is to believe, I have made a space in my head for this to exist.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:44 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]

knightsbff posted 3/1/2014 16:25 PM

Thank you to all for the responses.

it's true I AM extremely thankful for knight giving me the huge gift of R. I find myself wondering at the strength I never before realized he had. The grace and strength to love me and treat me as well as he does after I have hurt him so terribly.

your succinctness has left questions in my mind... If this is a stage what will come after this. What will I feel in place of the shock and disbelief when I think of what I've done?

keep working. It took me a long time to claw my way free of the suffocating self loathing so that I could even start working toward healing. I still have a long way to go and there is no finish line.

SoCo & Hosea,
I definitely share these thoughts and feelings with Knight. It helps both of us to talk about it.


And then we begin to understand why our BS's have such a hard time trying to make sense of it.
Yep, exactly.

It's good to know others have felt the same.

I always appreciate hearing from you and BS responses are valued. Your comment made me remember that I have also told Knight that I am feeling more "awake" that ever before in my life since having to face the ugliness, and selfishness of my actions and seeing the pain I've caused and understanding that the reasonable consequences of my actions included the loss of my M and pain for my kids and our extended family as well as for Knight and myself. It was like the shock of how selfishly destructive I was forced me to open my eyes and wake up. It's good to be awake and I continue to strive for more awakening and deeper understanding. I want to be the best KBFF possible when I grow up.

eleanor2012 posted 3/3/2014 10:21 AM

Every single day I think about how reckless I was. I could have lost everything. I am grateful every day that my life did not explode. I also can not believe I put myself and my family at such risk.

I am 4 years out, so what you are feeling seems common. Don't be surprised if it lasts much longer.

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