What is this disbelief I have found?
I'm not that far out, 18 months. I thought I had accepted that I had an A an all the nasty stuff that goes along with it. I have been actively working on myself and my M. I've notice that as I learn to love myself my capacity to love my H has increased. That was a surprise.
Now in the mundane moments we spend together riding in the car or doing household chores I'm overwhelmed with how much I love him. Sometimes that feeling of overwhelming love is followed by shock and disbelief. I had an affair!!!??!!! How could I have done that!!!? It's so unbelievably insane! I love this man and the life we have together, the good and the bad. How could I have thrown it all away? It just doesn't make sense.
Is this feeling of shock and disbelief some other level of fogginess? Do I need more work on acceptance? Is this a stage?
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
I think it has nothing to do with fogginess but more with compassion. Your out of the fog and you see the destruction your A caused. You see the pain in your BH everyday. You realized what you could have lost and your thankful for everything now.
I know exactly how you feel and I am sure I haven't explained anything that you don't already know. But I wanted to comment anyway.
It really is unbelievable how selfish we were...
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
Is this feeling of shock and disbelief some other level of fogginess?
Do I need more work on acceptance?
Is this a stage?
Just had to be succinct.
Wonderful healing power in those words! JMHO
You're doing the work to be who you want to be.
It's scary looking back and seeing the desperate excuse for a human being that we were.
I had an affair!!!??!!! How could I have done that!!!? It's so unbelievably insane!
Well done, you're well on your way to healthy!
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
What SoCo said!
If you can share this revelation with your BS, it would be such a huge encouragement. (Though if you do, you might consider a tweak- maybe framing the "I had an affair!" bit a bit more negatively / less neutrally? Just IMO.)
Even after Reconciliafion, the BS so often carries a quiet, dull aching in the heart. It becomes Ambient Emotional Noise- mostly filtered out of the mind the new calm of a Reconciled marriage.
Yet, for most, it's there. It's almost always there. It's a melancholy song that plays all but out of earshot. But in silence and isolation, meditation or moments of self-reflection, it can grow louder.
The fWS spouse who has discovered even greater depths of love for their BS should never hesitate to share this discovery with them. It is unrequested (usually)-- yet an always welcome reminder of gratitude for the BS's selfless gift of forgiveness.
I do not doubt my own fWW's thankfulness and her deep love for me. But I would my heart would skip a beat and flood with joy if she told me overtly every once in awhile.
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
Together 17 years
Just so you know....as the BS, I don't see it as foggy-ness. He has never seemed more....awake and it only gets better! He shares this thought with me often and I am glad for that. He cannot recall self-absorbed comments he made 13-15 months ago. ie: Dad, I am trying to so hard but LA is soooo mad. This is tough" That was a foggy time for sure.
Anyway....I hope more vets come along to comment for you but I am on side with Slow Uptake. My two cents as the BS is that this is a good thing. I know as the BS I have accepted most of the things that have happened. I guess at 15 months in, as hard as it is to believe, I have made a space in my head for this to exist.
[This message edited by LA44 at 9:44 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]
it's true I AM extremely thankful for knight giving me the huge gift of R. I find myself wondering at the strength I never before realized he had. The grace and strength to love me and treat me as well as he does after I have hurt him so terribly.
your succinctness has left questions in my mind... If this is a stage what will come after this. What will I feel in place of the shock and disbelief when I think of what I've done?
keep working. It took me a long time to claw my way free of the suffocating self loathing so that I could even start working toward healing. I still have a long way to go and there is no finish line.
SoCo & Hosea,
I definitely share these thoughts and feelings with Knight. It helps both of us to talk about it.
And then we begin to understand why our BS's have such a hard time trying to make sense of it.
It's good to know others have felt the same.
I always appreciate hearing from you and BS responses are valued. Your comment made me remember that I have also told Knight that I am feeling more "awake" that ever before in my life since having to face the ugliness, and selfishness of my actions and seeing the pain I've caused and understanding that the reasonable consequences of my actions included the loss of my M and pain for my kids and our extended family as well as for Knight and myself. It was like the shock of how selfishly destructive I was forced me to open my eyes and wake up. It's good to be awake and I continue to strive for more awakening and deeper understanding. I want to be the best KBFF possible when I grow up.
I am 4 years out, so what you are feeling seems common. Don't be surprised if it lasts much longer.