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Mutual Friends Not Wanting to Choose Sides

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lucy17 posted 2/28/2014 16:53 PM

AP and WH and I have mutual friends. H and I have been out with 2 of these friends and ended up in an awkward situation where we had to leave-- the four of us were at fundraising event and had gotten there late and there weren't any seats. Another mutual friend was there with AP and invited us to come sit next to them. H panicked and didn't know what to do--should we go sit there? Um hell no. His other suggestion was to tell the couple we were with what was going on, I didn't want to ruin their night. H and I lied and said our daughter needed us to come pick her up and left.
Then AP came to an event she had agreed not to go to and sat with these very same people that we had come to be with. We were late again because little girl had a performance earlier that evening. I texted AP and told her to leave. She ignored me. I went over and said, "One of us needs to leave and it shouldn't be me." She looked at me and said NO. Seeing her, talking to her, her lack human decency (she says she doesn't care--it doesn't effect her, she's getting a divorce and she doesn't care what she agreed to)...I totally snapped and left shaking and yelling at my H. We drove around for a while as I yelled at the poor guy. When we left she told everyone. Now these friends are mad at us for not telling and aren't speaking to us, but also say they don't want to know anything about it and won't choose sides....they say. But are ignoring us and having conversations with her.
It's so frustrating because the plan was for them not to know--for this shit show not to effect them at all--which is what they want. Then AP broke an agreement and caused drama and we are shut out of what I thought was a great group of friends.
They have been good friends with H for a decade and have only known AP for two years, but because of my new boundaries are able to go out and spend a lot more time with her. However, ignoring us when we are around? I am angry and hurt so is H. To his amazing credit he has said that those friendships might be a casualty of his affair, but friendships come and go. What's important is that we (he and I) are still together.

BtraydWife posted 2/28/2014 16:59 PM

It's all so unfair but I agree you may have to say goodbye to them. I'm sorry you had to experience that scene.

I'm pretty impressed your husband suggested it.

AFrayedKnot posted 2/28/2014 17:00 PM

We walked away from all mutual friends of the OM. It is an unfortunate consequence.

We have true friends that walked away with us and we have also made some new friends.

Cookie7088 posted 2/28/2014 17:03 PM

When we left she told everyone. Now these friends are mad at us for not telling and aren't speaking to us, but also say they don't want to know anything about it and won't choose sides....they say. But are ignoring us and having conversations with her.
It's so frustrating because the plan was for them not to know--for this shit show not to effect them at all--which is what they want. Then AP broke an agreement and caused drama and we are shut out of what I thought was a great group of friends.

In my experience, you didn't lose a friend, you were lucky enough to find out who your true friends are....these schmucks are a dime a dozen. Move along, and make true friends...keeping company with these folks will only make you miserable.

And as for the OW...did you really think she would keep her word? Oh dear, she didn't have the decency to stay out of your marriage, her honor and word are shot straight to hell...

For those who she told (those who have an ounce of morals) will drop of her radar...slowly but surely, after all, we all "act" normal when we hear something like that...and get in our cars and talk all the way home....

She just let those people see who she really is....

Make your priorities your marriage, and I hope you get a phone call from these schmucks one day with an "I'm sorry, we were wrong."...but don't wait for it.....hopefully you will run into them again, while you're out with a new couple....

SorrowBhindSmile posted 2/28/2014 17:45 PM

ugh. so so so SO sorry. Totally been here. OW kept showing up in places she knew i would be. Told people she said she wouldnt. My WH and I have also lost friends. Sadly, it really is a consequence of the A that is unavoidable.

My WH and I decided that it was not feasible to have mutual friends with the OW/BH. Having mutual friends keeps the AP in your life. You can never be open and say things because you will always worry it will get back to the AP. These friends will tell you things about the AP. a vicious circle.

ANYONE who would choose AP over you without even giving you a chance to express you side...not worth it.

Anyone that would choose AP over you...not worth it.

Lets be realistic here...NO ONE is neutral. ALL the people who tried to be mutual friends were the ones who fed off the drama...who went back and forth, spilling stories, telling tales, sharing information. I tried to have mutual friends. took me about 6 months to figure out that was not going to work. I needed to surround myself with people that i felt i could trust. yeah...a friend of the OW....SOOOOOOOO does NOT make the cut.

Your WH is right. Put your effort into your R....and into the friends of the marriage that build you both up as a couple.

so sorry. hugs!


StillGoing posted 2/28/2014 21:32 PM

To his amazing credit he has said that those friendships might be a casualty of his affair, but friendships come and go. What's important is that we (he and I) are still together.

Good for him.

keptmyword posted 2/28/2014 22:09 PM

The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis. - Dante Alighieri

This IS NOT a matter of choosing between SIDES.

This is not a matter of choosing between certain PEOPLE.

This is a matter of choosing between what is known to be RIGHT and what is known to be WRONG.

Those who choose what is RIGHT - take them with you and value them for they have value to you.

Those who choose what is wrong OR DO NOT CHOOSE AT ALL - leave them behind for they have no value to you or your life.

In the end, your life will be greater because you will KNOW that the people you are around have the STRENGTH to do the right thing - and there is safety, peace and happiness in that.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 10:13 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

lucy17 posted 2/28/2014 22:17 PM

Thank you everyone. Don't know what I would do without this site--except think I was a dramatic, crazy person who is too ultra-sensitive.

Keptmyword, love the quote!!!

Skan posted 3/1/2014 15:55 PM

Actually, they have chosen sides. They chose, after being told by the AP that she screwed your WH, to keep associating with her. That is a choice. (((hugs)))

knockedforsix posted 3/2/2014 02:39 AM

I have to agree that they have chosen sides. In our case I explained to some mutual friends what had happened so that there would be no chance of them inviting us to things together with the AP. Amazingly they went out and had a coffee and rang me straight back to say they would not condone her behavior and they wanted to support us and keep us in their lives. They wiped the OW from that day (in though they lived in the same building as her). It's like Shirley Glass writes you should only surround yourself with friends of your marriage - not fence sitters!

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