Here is the chronology.It is a bit long and complicated.
I have been married for nearly 24 years. We have three kids. I never even imagined the possibility of divorce. I still love her deeply and completely. My wife always told me she loved me and would never divorce me. Last year, several of her friends got divorced and in early January, my wife sat down and said she wanted what her friend XXX had. Her mind is absolutely made up and the more I tried to discuss me changing, the more she pulled away.
I havenít been angry or mad at her about the divorce. With many, many sleepless nights of reflection, I realize I am completely responsible for driving her away. I have been too controlling, not respectful enough and did not appreciate her enough etc. Each incident on its own is not too bad, but there was a pattern in our marriage which caused her to be very unhappy. I had absolutely no idea she was anywhere this unhappy, so I basically squandered the love of a wonderful woman. She suddenly decided she did not love me and desperately wants her freedom. The absolute road blocks to us getting back together are (1) she canít fathom that I love her when I did not treat her as well I could have during the marriage (2) she thinks Iím full of BS about changing (Iím not fill of PS). Bottomline, there is no way she is coming back.
The good thing is that we are both really committed to the kids and are undergoing an ďamicableĒ divorce, really focused on the kids. We havenít even filed yet, we will do so after mediation of the divorce terms. She did just move out with the kids though to escape me, but we are still communicating well around the coparenting responsibilities.
Now the kicker. She has basically been spending the past couple of months ďbuilding a caseĒ in her mind against me and lays into me all the time with things I have done in the past, i.e. that I criticized her driving in front of her parents 22 years agoÖ. I pointed out a number of times where things were exaggerated and did not account for the good things I did, but she said, that I was right, but it was how she felt. A few weeks after asking for a divorce, she started laying into me about being bad in bed, not satisfying her and being too quick. I thought, wow, where did that come from. Then she was mysteriously gone all day, every day. I looked at my phone bill and saw hours of phone conversations and 100s of texts per week with one of her co-workers (who started a youth year round sport team with her), who is married. This started a couple of weeks after she announced the divorce and exactly corresponded to quickly escalating attacks on me, I think she was using him as a sounding board to demonize me so she feels justified about the divorce. She feels really bad because my youngest, 11 years old, is crushed.
I finally found out about the physical affair by some deductive reasoning. On a Saturday night after a sports event, she said she was going out to dinner with some friends which I knew was not true. She came back around midnight, which would have been a 7 hour dinner. She left suddenly early the next morning. I surmised they were at a hotel, and drove over to a group of hotels I thought would be likely and sure enough both of their cars were there.
I confronted her later that night and the basic response was that I invaded her privacy, that she had every right to ďfind comfort with a friend ďand that it was none of my business since we were getting a divorce. I think this hastened her move out of the house. I agreed that I would not tell her coworkers wife or anyone else. Their jobs are pretty public and involves working with kids and it would be incredibly scandalous. Iíve only told my brother who lives across the country.
Iím so confused on what to do. My wife is a good woman, and it makes me so sad that I have driven her to this. I know she is not thinking clearly. I absolutely need to have a cordial relationship because of the kids, and we still have pretty much all of the divorce negotiations ahead. I more or less said I did not want to discuss the affair, and I have no idea what is still going on.
My issue is it is eating me away inside. I feel so sad and empty. Iím not mad at my wife, I actually feel bad for her as well. I feel guilty because my actions drove her away. She doesnít even realize she is being used her married coworker and I think she is looking for comfort and love which she thinks she canít get from me. I am, however mad at him. He is my older daughters coach and knows my whole family very well. I know he is feeding her a lot of validation of her decision to leave me and of course Iím angry he is sleeping with my beautiful wife. Confronting him directly will do no good and just cause things to escalate.
Anyway, that is it. Where do I go from here?
Did she ever try to talk to you about any of the reasons she is leaving the marriage before she decided she wanted a divorce?
You NEED to tell his wife. She has a right to know that everything she holds dear is in jeopardy.
Others will be along to help you with how to go about all this.
I wish you luck, friend.
I wouldn't be surprised to learn that all or most of your WWs friends that have D started out as WWs too. Sometimes one WS will talk up a fairy tale romance to a friend and encourage them to accept the advances of a potential OP.
I'm sorry she's brought you here.
Do any of these texts hint that they have gone out or that they have done anything physical?
It is common that the wife will suddenly change her thoughts, patterns and tune when someone else is filling their minds full of crap.
Where was your wife all of these days she didnt come home.
You need to tell this guys wife and the hell with them. This coach invaded YOUR life! His wife might intervene, coach throws your wife under the bus and then who knows.
Discussing the D, don't make concessions because she has made you feel guilt. She has attacked you, but she doesn't see any blame resides with her also. Step back and really try to think objectively about both of your behaviors. Does what she says ring true to you?
Tell the other BS. She deserves to know the truth about her M, and her H. I am sure she has met your wife and doesn't realize the backstabbing your wife is doing. Doesn't sound like OM is looking to D, so telling his wife may stop the A dead in its tracks. Regardless the other BS should have the knowledge her M is in trouble.
[This message edited by momentintime at 7:11 PM, February 28th (Friday)]
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
My wife is a good woman, and it makes me so sad that I have driven her to this.
I believe this affair has been going on a lot longer that you truly think it has. 9 out of 10 times it is longer than they say. She has been hiding it from you.
that she had every right to ďfind comfort with a friend
With many, many sleepless nights of reflection, I realize I am completely responsible for driving her away. I have been too controlling, not respectful enough and did not appreciate her enough etc.
Wow, that's a heavy load to carry. All on you hugh? And she was always completely perfect to you and in every way?
Please tell the other BS. Donít tell your wife you are. Just do it. Although . . . they may have already told her you are a jealous, crazy, paranoid H just trying to cause drama.
What do you want to do, you want her back?
[This message edited by shiloe at 7:19 PM, February 28th (Friday)]
I have to agree - this A was going on before she decided she wanted out. She saw her friends out 'living it up' and she wanted that too. That's what this is. Sad, very sad.
You didn't cause this, at all. She did. There are 1,000 ways to try to solve issues. She picked the one thing that will shadow all else, and destroyed the relationship. An affair has NEVER solved the issues in a marriage.
As far as telling OBS, please please please tell her. She deserves to know. If roles were reversed, wouldn't you want her to tell you? She's thinking she's got this great husband, he coaches the kids, things are rock solid. In reality, her husband sleeps with various mothers of the players (don't think for a second your wife is the first for him), risks her health by exposing himself to diseases, lies, and their marriage is based on falsehoods. Please, help this woman, and stop helping OM keep his secret. Of the two of them, who deserves your support more - OM, or his BW?
Don't keep his secret. Don't let her live a lie. Don't let your wife continue down fairytale road, dragging your heart behind her. Stop all of this. Let her spend some time alone. She wants a divorce, well she'll see what it will really be like once he's home groveling instead of splitting hotel rooms with her.
Do yourself a huge favor - acknowledge that this is all on her, that she was cheating before the talk of the D, and then tell OBS. You'll feel much better once these things are done.
How would your wife like this if the shoe were on the other foot. And all of a sudden you started cutting her down for every single thing in the marriage.
And then she found out that some woman was comforting you.
I wonder how your wife would like it if the situation were reversed.
Rewriting the marriage is common practice and I believe the WS does this in order to completely rationalize their affair. It gives them belief that what they are doing is actually right when they really know deep down it is wrong.
I wish you the best of lucky. Please keep reading and sharing you thoughts and stories.
Together we are are stronger
Happiness is a choice.
Lets say, for the sake of argument, that you were a bad husband. That you had a marriage that your WW felt that she needed out of. And that she announced to you, as she did, that she wanted a divorce. And that the two of you are amicably seeking a divorce, trying to minimize the damage to your children. Let's just say that all of that is true.
You and she are still married. You and she are still legally bound to each other. So she is committing infidelity. Period. Her OM and his BW are legally bound to each other. They are married. He is committing infidelity with YOUR WW. His poor BW is being exposed to STDs, deceit, and likely is wondering why in the world her husband is being such a sudden prick to her. Your children are being coached by a man who sees no problems screwing a married woman and betraying his wife. Real moral. Your WW is exposing them to a man who has no morals, is a cheater and liar, and your WW is no better. This is NOT good for them.
The two of you have decided to divorce. Great. But I would suggest that you need to take the following steps.
1. You need to out the OM to his BW. She deserves to know the truth, she deserves to know that her husband is risking her life by his sexual behavior. She has the right to decide if she wants to stay in a marriage with an adulterer.
2. You need to get to your lawyer, fill him in on this, and seek primary custody of your children. Assuming that you want that, of course. But I submit to you that the way that your WW is behaving is NOT in the best interests of the children.
3. You need to call your doctor on Monday morning and set up an appointment to be completely checked for STDs and HIV. You cannot "trust" that your WW hasn't been screwing the OM, or someone else, while the two of you were sexually intimate. This is very important this is potentially life-threatening. And, God forbid, that something comes up, you need to tell your WW and the OMs BW so that they can be checked as well. This is going to suck big time, but every one of us has had to make that doctor's phone call as well. We understand. And not one of us has ever had a doctor's office that was shocked at needing to run these panels.
This is overwhelming, I know. It's absolutely not fair. But it is something that you have to face. You can't just walk away because you have three beautiful children involved. If you haven't already, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Lots of good advice.
Keep coming back for support.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Please listen to the others here. This is not on you. You may have been a shitty husband, but your wife still went the wrong way about it. From wanting a divorce a few months ago, to lying and hotel rooms now? I know that you are hurting, but you have to be able to see the wrongs here. The two of you haven't even filed for divorce yet.
Your wife is textbook. TEXTBOOK. Re-writing your entire marital history. Criticizing you about things that don't even "matter" any longer(i.e. sex life). Basically demonizing you. Straight-face lying to you pertaining to her whereabouts.
These are all part of her way of justifying her poor behavior. Once you have been here long enough, you will see how obvious it is. Even your behavior is textbook. You are blaming yourself for problems that simply are not your to bear. Please look at my tagline--"All work and no play has just cost me my wife". That is the first thing that I put on this site, because I was CONVINCED that it was my working that caused all my problems at home. It is simply not true. I leave it there to remind me of what my mindset was when I first found this site. And how far it has come.
Don't be their secret keeper. Don't harm the other man's wife by keeping pertinent information from her. Please let her know, and let her decide her own fate. You do not want to a party to her potential further pain and suffering.
As for your wife, show her consequences. Don't carry a burden that is not yours.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
My wife left a note on the bed and moved out while I was out of town on business.
I immediately went through a laundry list of my faults in my mind. I took all the blame on myself.
Listen, LOT'S of marriages diminish over time when the married couples let things slide. It is very frequently a mutual failing. Don't let her actions cause you to take blame that isn't yours.
By all means, work on yourself. But, don't do it "for her". Do it to be a better person for yourself, your friends, your family and for her to if she turns back into someone worth having in your life.
Like you, I didn't know there was an A driving the moving out and the divorce. Unlike you, I didn't know all the way through the divorce.
I was so involved in taking the blame and worrying about her, I gave her about $100K more than I needed to in the settlement. That was my idea, not hers, but you can see how far folks like us will go to take our share of the blame and do the right thing.
Don't do that. Know that you are a good person. Yes, you can be a better person. Work on that. But don't let her off the hook. What she's done is miserable and unfair.
She was unsatisfied and went looking elsewhere rather than trying to work on the marriage. My wife did the same thing. I was blindsided. In reflection I can see the marriage had deteriorated, but at the time I thought it was just "normal" rough patches.
You two are mutually responsible for letting the marriage slide. She alone is responsible for the running, hiding the truth of her feelings and cheating. Hold fast to those truths as you work through where you want to go and what you want to do.