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Newest Member: Artarmon2064 (45754)

User Topic: Dating a WS
Ready_to_run
♂ 20954
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I have met a truly wonderful woman who is everything I could have ever wanted in a mate. But, she is a former WS...and it wasn't just a one off either...it lasted for 1 1/2 years.

So far she has pretty much said the right things...taken full accountability for the affair but also made it known her ex was an alcoholic who paid almost no attention to her so she was as they say "ripe" for an A.

When she told me my heart just sunk. I was glad she was so forthcoming about it but I have to admit it has kind of lingered in the back of my mind. It was 8 years ago and she says she has learned a lot from it and is not the same person anymore. I do believe her as it just doesn't seem to fit her character. But, as we all know, that is a common theme in here.

I'm not really even sure what my question is. I guess I just needed to get this out there and see if anyone has had a similar experience and if they were able to work through it. I really do like her and she feels SOOOO bad because she knows my past. She says it makes her physically sick to think about the A. I guess I just can't understand how someone could let it go on for 1 1/2 years then if it made them so sick??


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
Catwoman
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What has she DONE to figure out why she had the affair and to mend things? Has she been in IC?

In my opinion, a WS who has done the hard work and who has really made changes and turned their flawed thinking around is a much better risk than a BS who only has their "BS-hood" to recommend them.

Based on what you have said, I would be wary. She says some of the right things, but an affair of 1.5 years, in my opinion, requires quite a bit of self-examination. Has she done any of that?

Another indicator might be her relationship with her ex. Obviously, his addiction issues muddy the waters. But how is their relationship? This assumes they have children and need to have a relationship.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29717 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is she not the same person? Does she give you specifics? BTW, she was ripe for the A because of her, not her BH alcoholism. It could as easily been his working too much or too little, too into sports buddies, talked too much, didn't talk enough...

I guess the best precaution is to take it slow and rely on what you learned about yourself post dday.

ETA: in my experience, a LTA often points to an issue with intimacy.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 6:16 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4148 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

her ex was an alcoholic who paid almost no attention to her so she was as they say "ripe" for an A.

She could have just divorced him.

Choices, choices, choices.

Yeah, 1.5 years is a long time to feel nauseous. Good luck with that one.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17712 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Ready_to_run
♂ 20954
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cat, her and her ex have a good relationship and have a 10 year old daughter together. Apparently he has stopped drinking.

You all made some great points about doing the hard work required to determine what allowed you to be able to carry on something like this for so long. I guess it was primarily a long distance thing and they only met a handful of times. Not that it makes it all that much better.

She did do counseling for a few months but I haven't really heard anything about what she learned yet.

I hate talking about it but I guess these are things I need to know too in order to determine if this is something I want to pursue further.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
Catwoman
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is something to discuss for certain. I would be frank: I am a betrayed spouse and you had an affair. Obviously, that puts us, on paper, on opposite teams. Let's talk about how the experiences have made us who we are.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 6:32 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29717 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she did the work, then why is she divorced?

And why are you so sure her story, he was an alcoholic who paid no attention to me is true? What if he turned to drink because she was having an LTR?

I don't mean to be combative, but ...

but also made it known her ex was an alcoholic who paid almost no attention to her so she was as they say "ripe" for an A.

is still blame shifting. And blame shifting today.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take it slow.

In my early 20's I was married to an alcoholic. He would wake me up in the middle of the night drunk, holler at me, etc. We went on vacation and he left me in a hotel while he took off with our car. He would come in at night so drunk, he wouldn't make it to the door. I kept trying to fix everything, and got deeper into hell. My mind was all over the place. I fantasized ALOT. About killing him, about being saved by a nice guy, about killing myself..... I met a guy when my WS was out of town and had an affair. I did this, but I should have gotten out of the marriage, however this marriage was like a bad domestic violence movie. Then, my XWH got sober and I still dated the other guy, left my sober husband for the OM. Then I broke up with the OM, gave my XH the house free and clear and moved back to my hometown.

I was a trainwreck.

So, give it time. You may be dating a really kind person who screwed up by staying with the alcoholic from the get-go.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:40 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2328 | Registered: Jan 2012
justjim
♂ 41150
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would be a dealbreaker for me.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Complete deal breaker for me.

A leopard, spots, nuff said.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but also made it known her ex was an alcoholic who paid almost no attention to her so she was as they say "ripe" for an A.

This says it all for me. When someone follows a statement with "but" it means that you can disregard what they just said because they will tell you what they really feel after the "but". And she really feels that she was justified to have the A, at least on some level.

I would run fast and run far.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Ready_to_run
♂ 20954
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, we did delve into it further last night and it appears as if she has done a tremendous amount of work on herself since her A. She says she does not even recognize the person she used to be anymore and so far I do believe she is being honest and genuine.

I have said it before and I am of the belief that a WS that has been thru the storm and done the hard work is less of a risk than someone who thinks it could never happen to them.

But, that said I will still be proceeding with caution.

[This message edited by Ready_to_run at 2:14 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to date a fWS. He said everything right. Really delved into his past, the why's etc. He was open and honest about everything.

On the third date, he tried to kiss me…and I totally triggered, turned my head and pretty much ended the date.

Regardless, the mix of his past with the mix of mine wasn't fair to either of us. Just knowing he was capable of cheating meant I couldn't date him.

It really sounds like she "blames" her ex for her affair. I would think a truly remorseful fWS would never say, "I know it was wrong, but he paid no attention to me!!!". She should have told you,"I cheated and it was wrong…".

I'd be very careful.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I don't care what "work" they did. I don't even know what that actually means really. But I do know what "capable" means.

It would be a huge turn off for me. I just couldn't trust them unconditionally.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, many of you are condemning the WSs here on SI for life? Why do you assume that she could have/should have reconciled with an alcoholic?

It's good that you can recognize that you don't belong with a FWS, but don't make that decision for Ready_to_run. I agree that he should proceed with caution.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20456 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that we are condemning them for life, just for ourselves. If you ask the ex spouse of an alcoholic if they would ever want to get involved again in a relationship with someone who in their past that had an alcohol problem, you would might get a similar response from them as we BS's give...hell no even if they went to every AA meeting. And I would have no issue with that.

The only thing we BS's have to go on is..."the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.". He asked our opinions and we gave them.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:18 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
9.10.11
♂ 36336
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xww told everyone I was an alcoholic too. The woman I have dated for a long time heard this and believed her. When she got to know me she asked if I went to AA to get over alcohol. I said no, I was never an alcoholic...it was xww's excuse for what she did. Just some fyi of what I went through.

I personally could never trust a cheater. BTDT, don't plan on going through that again. One night deal...maybe. over a yr?! oh hell no.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2012
thyme2go
♂ 12908
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting responses. Maybe I am the odd one here but in my forays into OLD and new relationships post D, this is one subject that I have never asked about. To me it really does not matter as it is the current behavior of my date/SO which tells me everything that I need to know about their character. People learn. I trust whole-heartedly until I find a need not to. So far - so good!

My lessons learned via my ex's A behavior and reading here on SI has taught me everything I need to know on what to watch for.

Ready_to_run - I say you should proceed and just trust your gut.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 11:44 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


BH - no longer 49
3 DD's - (29, 25 and 18)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9195 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Catwoman
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My OLD experiences mirror T2G's--I have met quite a few people, some good, some bad, one great (the one and only GDM).

People are complex and the sum of their experiences, not just one experience. Time will tell if this person's infidelity is a one-time thing or indicative of a deeper issue.

I agree with proceeding with caution and allowing someone to show you who they are.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29717 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Ready_to_run
♂ 20954
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My lessons learned via my ex's A behavior and reading here on SI has taught me everything I need to know on what to watch for.

I'm pretty much in that same camp, T2G. Going thru the hell of multiple D-days, gaslighting, and failed R tends to make someone ultra aware of behavior that just doesn't jive.

I agree with what others have said about it being a 1 1/2 year affair. That is a long time and my brain just can't wrap itself around how somebody could carry something on that long without the guilt destroying them. That's the sticking point for me.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
Topic Posts: 48
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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