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Ready_to_run posted 2/28/2014 17:58 PM

Well, I have met a truly wonderful woman who is everything I could have ever wanted in a mate. But, she is a former WS...and it wasn't just a one off either...it lasted for 1 1/2 years.

So far she has pretty much said the right things...taken full accountability for the affair but also made it known her ex was an alcoholic who paid almost no attention to her so she was as they say "ripe" for an A.

When she told me my heart just sunk. I was glad she was so forthcoming about it but I have to admit it has kind of lingered in the back of my mind. It was 8 years ago and she says she has learned a lot from it and is not the same person anymore. I do believe her as it just doesn't seem to fit her character. But, as we all know, that is a common theme in here.

I'm not really even sure what my question is. I guess I just needed to get this out there and see if anyone has had a similar experience and if they were able to work through it. I really do like her and she feels SOOOO bad because she knows my past. She says it makes her physically sick to think about the A. I guess I just can't understand how someone could let it go on for 1 1/2 years then if it made them so sick??

Catwoman posted 2/28/2014 18:03 PM

What has she DONE to figure out why she had the affair and to mend things? Has she been in IC?

In my opinion, a WS who has done the hard work and who has really made changes and turned their flawed thinking around is a much better risk than a BS who only has their "BS-hood" to recommend them.

Based on what you have said, I would be wary. She says some of the right things, but an affair of 1.5 years, in my opinion, requires quite a bit of self-examination. Has she done any of that?

Another indicator might be her relationship with her ex. Obviously, his addiction issues muddy the waters. But how is their relationship? This assumes they have children and need to have a relationship.

Cat

atsenaotie posted 2/28/2014 18:04 PM

How is she not the same person? Does she give you specifics? BTW, she was ripe for the A because of her, not her BH alcoholism. It could as easily been his working too much or too little, too into sports buddies, talked too much, didn't talk enough...

I guess the best precaution is to take it slow and rely on what you learned about yourself post dday.

ETA: in my experience, a LTA often points to an issue with intimacy.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 6:16 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

FaithFool posted 2/28/2014 18:05 PM

her ex was an alcoholic who paid almost no attention to her so she was as they say "ripe" for an A.

She could have just divorced him.

Choices, choices, choices.

Yeah, 1.5 years is a long time to feel nauseous. Good luck with that one.

Ready_to_run posted 2/28/2014 18:23 PM

Cat, her and her ex have a good relationship and have a 10 year old daughter together. Apparently he has stopped drinking.

You all made some great points about doing the hard work required to determine what allowed you to be able to carry on something like this for so long. I guess it was primarily a long distance thing and they only met a handful of times. Not that it makes it all that much better.

She did do counseling for a few months but I haven't really heard anything about what she learned yet.

I hate talking about it but I guess these are things I need to know too in order to determine if this is something I want to pursue further.

Catwoman posted 2/28/2014 18:31 PM

It is something to discuss for certain. I would be frank: I am a betrayed spouse and you had an affair. Obviously, that puts us, on paper, on opposite teams. Let's talk about how the experiences have made us who we are.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 6:32 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

cayc posted 2/28/2014 19:02 PM

If she did the work, then why is she divorced?

And why are you so sure her story, he was an alcoholic who paid no attention to me is true? What if he turned to drink because she was having an LTR?

I don't mean to be combative, but ...

but also made it known her ex was an alcoholic who paid almost no attention to her so she was as they say "ripe" for an A.

is still blame shifting. And blame shifting today.

homewrecked2011 posted 3/1/2014 06:38 AM

Take it slow.

In my early 20's I was married to an alcoholic. He would wake me up in the middle of the night drunk, holler at me, etc. We went on vacation and he left me in a hotel while he took off with our car. He would come in at night so drunk, he wouldn't make it to the door. I kept trying to fix everything, and got deeper into hell. My mind was all over the place. I fantasized ALOT. About killing him, about being saved by a nice guy, about killing myself..... I met a guy when my WS was out of town and had an affair. I did this, but I should have gotten out of the marriage, however this marriage was like a bad domestic violence movie. Then, my XWH got sober and I still dated the other guy, left my sober husband for the OM. Then I broke up with the OM, gave my XH the house free and clear and moved back to my hometown.

I was a trainwreck.

So, give it time. You may be dating a really kind person who screwed up by staying with the alcoholic from the get-go.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:40 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]

justjim posted 3/1/2014 10:19 AM

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

PurpleRose posted 3/1/2014 10:37 AM

Complete deal breaker for me.

A leopard, spots, nuff said.

Dreamboat posted 3/1/2014 11:02 AM

but also made it known her ex was an alcoholic who paid almost no attention to her so she was as they say "ripe" for an A.

This says it all for me. When someone follows a statement with "but" it means that you can disregard what they just said because they will tell you what they really feel after the "but". And she really feels that she was justified to have the A, at least on some level.

I would run fast and run far.

Ready_to_run posted 3/1/2014 14:13 PM

Well, we did delve into it further last night and it appears as if she has done a tremendous amount of work on herself since her A. She says she does not even recognize the person she used to be anymore and so far I do believe she is being honest and genuine.

I have said it before and I am of the belief that a WS that has been thru the storm and done the hard work is less of a risk than someone who thinks it could never happen to them.

But, that said I will still be proceeding with caution.

[This message edited by Ready_to_run at 2:14 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

cmego posted 3/1/2014 16:17 PM

I tried to date a fWS. He said everything right. Really delved into his past, the why's etc. He was open and honest about everything.

On the third date, he tried to kiss me…and I totally triggered, turned my head and pretty much ended the date.

Regardless, the mix of his past with the mix of mine wasn't fair to either of us. Just knowing he was capable of cheating meant I couldn't date him.

It really sounds like she "blames" her ex for her affair. I would think a truly remorseful fWS would never say, "I know it was wrong, but he paid no attention to me!!!". She should have told you,"I cheated and it was wrong…".

I'd be very careful.

SeanFLA posted 3/1/2014 16:41 PM

Yeah I don't care what "work" they did. I don't even know what that actually means really. But I do know what "capable" means.

It would be a huge turn off for me. I just couldn't trust them unconditionally.

Sad in AZ posted 3/2/2014 07:03 AM

So, many of you are condemning the WSs here on SI for life? Why do you assume that she could have/should have reconciled with an alcoholic?

It's good that you can recognize that you don't belong with a FWS, but don't make that decision for Ready_to_run. I agree that he should proceed with caution.

SeanFLA posted 3/2/2014 10:53 AM

It's not that we are condemning them for life, just for ourselves. If you ask the ex spouse of an alcoholic if they would ever want to get involved again in a relationship with someone who in their past that had an alcohol problem, you would might get a similar response from them as we BS's give...hell no even if they went to every AA meeting. And I would have no issue with that.

The only thing we BS's have to go on is..."the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.". He asked our opinions and we gave them.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:18 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]

9.10.11 posted 3/2/2014 11:21 AM

My xww told everyone I was an alcoholic too. The woman I have dated for a long time heard this and believed her. When she got to know me she asked if I went to AA to get over alcohol. I said no, I was never an alcoholic...it was xww's excuse for what she did. Just some fyi of what I went through.

I personally could never trust a cheater. BTDT, don't plan on going through that again. One night deal...maybe. over a yr?! oh hell no.

thyme2go posted 3/2/2014 11:43 AM

Interesting responses. Maybe I am the odd one here but in my forays into OLD and new relationships post D, this is one subject that I have never asked about. To me it really does not matter as it is the current behavior of my date/SO which tells me everything that I need to know about their character. People learn. I trust whole-heartedly until I find a need not to. So far - so good!

My lessons learned via my ex's A behavior and reading here on SI has taught me everything I need to know on what to watch for.

Ready_to_run - I say you should proceed and just trust your gut.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 11:44 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]

Catwoman posted 3/2/2014 12:30 PM

My OLD experiences mirror T2G's--I have met quite a few people, some good, some bad, one great (the one and only GDM).

People are complex and the sum of their experiences, not just one experience. Time will tell if this person's infidelity is a one-time thing or indicative of a deeper issue.

I agree with proceeding with caution and allowing someone to show you who they are.

Cat

Ready_to_run posted 3/2/2014 13:25 PM

My lessons learned via my ex's A behavior and reading here on SI has taught me everything I need to know on what to watch for.

I'm pretty much in that same camp, T2G. Going thru the hell of multiple D-days, gaslighting, and failed R tends to make someone ultra aware of behavior that just doesn't jive.

I agree with what others have said about it being a 1 1/2 year affair. That is a long time and my brain just can't wrap itself around how somebody could carry something on that long without the guilt destroying them. That's the sticking point for me.

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