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just found out...kinda

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soloney posted 2/28/2014 18:20 PM

Well I didn't "just find out" but I just found out more details. My D-Day was April 15, 2013, although I knew things were going on prior to that, that is the day I finally confronted my H.

Needless to say this past 10.5 months have been absolute hell.

My H and I have been together 3 years married a little over a year, during the entire duration of our relationship (until 4-15-13) he was also talking with his ex and talking to girls from hookup sites. Texting, emailing, facebooking, phone conversations, pornographic photos... He saw the ex 4 times in person, today he admitted to me that they "hooked up" on one of those occasions. He swore before they had not.

NC was established right away. We tried MC and IC, both were failures. I can not talk about it with anyone, not even counselors. So here I am 10.5 months later, finally talking about it with someone other than my H.

painfulpast posted 2/28/2014 18:41 PM

Hello soloney,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, in the 'club no one wants to join'. What a heartbreaking story. To learn that your entire relationship had another person interfering - well that's awful, plan and simple. I'm so sad thinking of what you've been through.

Regarding more lies later, or 'trickle truth' (TT), it's sadly very common. My H did the same, and it was 10 months before I found out the biggie - he lied and he had said he loved her. Crushed me. I can only imagine the pain you're feeling, having spent the last year nearly wanting so much to believe him, probably with that little inner voice screaming the whole time that something was not right.

Please, give IC another chance, It can take several tries before you find one that works for you, but when you do, the sessions will help so much, and right away. It took me 3 tries, but the third was the charm. I love my IC. Leaving my appointments is always a pleasure because it feels so good to just release all of it to someone that's listening, and can help by asking the right questions, and getting you to think about things in different ways. It really has been a sanity saver.

Also, please stick around here. You are member #42621. Yes, that's sad that so many have joined over the years. BUT, there are so many wonderful, caring people that have lived this and are here for you.

First and foremost, take care of YOU. Sleep, eat (or get nutrition drinks to supplement the vitamins), rest. Go for walks to relieve stress. Get lots of fresh air - it is surprisingly helpful.

When you're ready to tell more of your story, or ask questions, we're here for you.

Welcome, and I can't say enough how sorry I am that you're hurting. It's a special kind of hell getting a big piece of new info dumped on you. It erases most of the work you've done for the last 10 months, or at least it feels that way for a while.


momentintime posted 2/28/2014 19:19 PM

He has a pattern. He cheats, has been cheating your entire relationship before and during your M. He is open to all comers, ex's, strangers, porn to bridge the in between times. He needs to address why he needs all this attention for others.

You haven't been M that long. You are in hell. Why are you still with him? Do you think he can change? Do you think he can change without long term therapy? Do you want to invest more of your life hoping he can change?

What about you? Is he doing anything to help you heal? Is he providing the information you need, or is it coming in short intervals and only when you discover something? Does he seem remorseful or is he sorry he got caught? Only you can decide if you have a future. Ask the hard questions not only of him, but of yourself. What can you recover from and what does he need to do to make you feel safe.

soloney posted 2/28/2014 19:30 PM

Thank you for the support.

I have a really hard time talking about myself and my "issues." My entire life has been about taking care of other people. I often do not put myself first. I also have a need to be a "people pleaser." When I would go to therapy. I've seen 3 in the past year. I tend to tell them I'm doing ok. I have a need to please my therapist, then they dismiss me from their service after a few visit. I just need someone to call me on my BS!!

What makes things incredibly difficult is that we moved from Michigan to Hawaii for work 2 years ago. As lovely as living in Hawaii is, I am so far from family and friends. He is willing to move back to the mainland for me, it's difficult when both of us just got started in good careers.

soloney posted 2/28/2014 19:40 PM

He is trying. He supports me and listens to me. He is remorseful. Everything is open. I check everything and all passwords are open for me, no hesitation.

I do believe he wants to be faithful to me and make me happy. But like others he does not like to talk about it, he feels guilty and kind of shuts down when I start asking him questions.

doggiediva posted 2/28/2014 20:37 PM

He is gonna have to learn how to be open, even if it is unpleasant and downright painful..
He did one of the most disrespectful things one human can do to another..
You owe him nothing...
You can move on with or without him...

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