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Rough Times.....

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exhausted lady posted 2/28/2014 20:44 PM

Just thought I'd check in with the NB crew.....I've been AWOL for quite a while.

Things are going really well with my SO (the Bear), thank God. The universe truly brought a stand-up guy into my life *exactly* when I needed one the most.

Having my demented mom live with me is just about to drive me over the edge though. I barked at her this afternoon.....and immediately got a guilt hit. She's still pouting in her room. I was taking a nap (got 5 hrs of sleep last night), and she woke me up to ask me if I wanted her to fix dinner. She NEVER fixes dinner because she's - well - got dementia so bad that cooking is a hazard. FML. In my groggy state, I barked at her.

I think I'm going to have to look into respite care for a week or two so I can get my bubble back in the middle again. Mom & I seem to have a daily battle over kitchen issues, and it's driving me up the freaking wall. I really, really thought I would be able to handle her dementia, but it's going to take me down if I don't get a break. And that makes me feel like shit.

InnerLight posted 2/28/2014 21:44 PM

That sounds really tough.
It would be great if you can find someone to watch yr mom while you take a break. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first and all that.


inconnu posted 2/28/2014 21:50 PM

(((el))) don't feel guilty because you need some time to yourself. there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing to take a break. being a caregiver is exhausting. parenting your parent is stressful. taking care of yourself is crucial.

Sad in AZ posted 2/28/2014 22:00 PM

I feel your pain. Please look into respite--or residential--care for your mom. You're not supposed to go crazy because of your parents.

My mom is telling everyone her sister (my aunt) is dying. She needs heart surgery, but she's definitely not on her deathbed. Oy.

Sad in AZ posted 2/28/2014 22:01 PM

I feel your pain. Please look into respite--or residential--care for your mom. You're not supposed to go crazy because of your parents.

My mom is telling everyone her sister (my aunt) is dying. She needs heart surgery, but she's definitely not on her deathbed. Oy.

nowiknow23 posted 2/28/2014 22:27 PM

Respite is so important when you are the primary caretaker. Sending you strength, hon.

IrishLass518 posted 3/1/2014 01:20 AM

Please look into respite or someone home caregivers to help you both out. This is such a difficult and challenging disease for both you and your mother. Give both of you breaks so that when you are together it's less frustrating. It really is the quality of the time you spend that you will want to remember.

seekingright2013 posted 3/1/2014 05:46 AM


I echo the respite care comments. Is it possible to get someone just to come sit with your mom several times a week, a few hours at a time, to keep her company and make sure she is safe? I would even consider a responsible teen for this, depending on your mom's needs.

So sorry you are going through this. It's hard.

exhausted lady posted 3/1/2014 19:03 PM

Thank you everyone. I'm going to spend some time Monday looking into a week or two of respite care. I'm exhausted. The Bear and I are planning a week-long motorcycle trip (2500 miles) so we can go to his daughter's wedding at the end of May, but I'm not sure I can make it til then without a break.

My daughter pitches in, but I'm hesitant to burden her with too much of this. It's my of the perks of being an only child. Crap.

I find myself between a rock and a hard place. If I put her in long term care......we will end up losing the ranch over it. No doubt about that. My parents planned for everything except "the long goodbye", and that sucks. I love her to death, but I find myself feeling like I have no life at all. When the Bear & I go and do something without her on his days off....she gets really P/A, and....well.....I get pissed about her acting out. I KNOW it's all a part of the dementia, but my last nerve is just about fried.

I'm going to check into a respite stay for her on Monday.....somewhere safe. We don't have many choices in a small rural town. ~sigh~

If I have someone come stay with her, she gets very insulted that I think she needs a "sitter" and more P/A behavior ensues. I've tried to address the main issues with her, and she will agree at the moment, but then she "forgets" what she agreed to. FML.

Wish me luck......I think I'll feel a lot better if I get a break for a week or two. Or maybe the damned land just needs to go. I can't let this continue to eat my life and retain my sanity...and it's sure as hell not fair to my SO. He deserves my best, and I'm not able to even come close right now.

Kajem posted 3/2/2014 07:56 AM

Do you have a senior center nearby? A lot of them offer Dementia Daycare. My dad goes to one, he is there at 8am and is picked up at 4pm. Every single day! Including the weekends. He's meeting people, developing friendships and other than missing his afternoon nap, Happy as a pig in mud. He's in Alaska.

persevere posted 3/2/2014 08:57 AM

((el)) I hope you're able to find some options to help with your mom. I'm so glad the Bear is there to help you.

better4me posted 3/2/2014 10:46 AM


I'm lucky that my dad is alive and is my mother's primary caretaker. Her dementia isn't goo bad, she is forgetful and repeats stories a million times (okay, it only feels like a million it is probably only in the 100's by now ) She is functioning but very P/A too.

Would a financial adviser be of any help?

Runningaway posted 3/3/2014 00:08 AM

No advice, just letting you know you're not alone. My mom has lived with me for the last few years and as her dementia progresses it has been more difficult to deal with. She isn't too bad yet though, she can still cook. The passive aggressive crap is the worst, but it's just b/c someone (usually me) has hurt her feelings.
It's just hard. The kids love having her here so we make it work. I had to move into a smaller house recently and she doesn't have her own kitchen anymore. I thought my life would get easier with only one kitchen to clean.
I was wrong.

Newlease posted 3/3/2014 09:06 AM

When my mother had dementia, she lived in an Assisted Living center. And I still wasn't always as patient with her as I should have been. I can't imagine I would have been able to live with her every day. Just the daily phone calls and visits were difficult sometimes.

Sending strength and peace.


exhausted lady posted 3/3/2014 18:48 PM

Kajem.....we do have a senior center. I'll check into some daycare options. She will probably have a fit about going (for a while) but if she likes it, it might be a lifesaver. I would probably have to do transport, but it would be soooo worth it.

Yes, I am VERY lucky the Bear came along when he did. I think someone upstairs was looking out for me. The man has the patience of a saint, I swear! I can't wait to actually get some time away, and alone, with him. He came into my life just as my father's illness was turning into a nightmare, and he's been my rock. Yeah, odd kind of guy to find shooting pool in a biker bar! (I guess I got lucky)

My daughter is going to have mom stay with her while we're gone. I wasn't able to check into any respite stuff today because mom had one of her "I feel horrible, so I'm gonna stay in bed all day" days. So, I haven't been able to get away from the house, and I don't want her to overhear me talking on the phone about it.

Maybe tomorrow...... Anyway, thank you for the support. It helps to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. I've had to ban mom from cooking or using the microwave after several unfortunate incidents (thank God I have good smoke alarms).

need_hope posted 3/4/2014 06:29 AM

I don't have any advice, I just have hugs. (((EL)))

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