SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

InnerLight posted 2/28/2014 21:53 PM

I wish I was part of a tighter knit community somehow. I feel very floaty especially since I divorced.

My work and home are far apart, I have friends far away too. Many I don't see. I am often alone and too exhausted from doing my best to stay afloat to socialize. It's a weird life. There are many good things in it I am grateful for but there is a lot of disconnection and feelings of being outside groups, not quite fitting in or being embraced by a group.

Is it just me? I know, probably not! But how common an experience is this? Is it just part of modern life?

Sad in AZ posted 2/28/2014 22:06 PM

I understand. I like to be alone, but it wears on you after a while. I don't get a respite at work because my staff are a bunch of entitled 20-somethings--being an introvert, this is exhausting.

I go on hikes with different meetup groups and birding clubs, but I've yet to connect with anyone. I do have good friends (people I grew up with) about 3 hours away, so I get to see them every few months.

I think it's me (not saying, however, that you're to blame for your situation.) I have very diverse interests, and it's impossible to find someone who shares them or even compliments them. I try not to think about it too much.

IrishLass518 posted 2/28/2014 22:19 PM

Yes, especially when most of the people I know are couples. My age group doesn't seem to have a ton of singles and I feel like a third wheel most of the time.
I have even started to feel like I don't belong anywhere on SI either. Like I am not quite firmly in NB but I don't belong in D/S anymore. I feel more comfortable in D/S but I don't feel as though I have much to share there anymore since I am strict NC.
I guess I am kinda in limbo here and IRL.

Chrysalis123 posted 2/28/2014 23:08 PM

I feel like this too. I am alone most of the time. I find it hard to move beyond the acquaintance level.

I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes it does.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 11:09 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

persevere posted 3/1/2014 00:19 AM

I have a great group of close friends, but lately I do find myself backing off from them. They are mostly couples, which hasn't been an issue, but maybe it is at times. Outside of work and time w my SO, which is primarily every other week, I'm finding myself alone most of the time. I know I need to change that but I haven't yet. Though I do feel rather isolated.

HurtsButImOK posted 3/1/2014 00:20 AM

I am still trying to work outl where I belong. Maybe one day I will figure it out.....

Bluebird26 posted 3/1/2014 00:38 AM

Yes this is exactly how I feel. It's frustrating and exhausting. I am hoping once my kids have grown up I can sort of re-invent myself and have a life of my own. But getting to the that point is a long time away. I have a few friends who either don't have kids or kids are too young or all grown up, nothing in between. I grew up in a military family, we moved a lot. I have no childhood friends that I am still in contact with. My schooling finished before the social media age commenced. I have a special needs child, and that is very isolating.

waterloo09 posted 3/1/2014 09:55 AM

I feel this way too. I moved away from my family when I married and now I have a good job here and kids spend time with ex so I can't really move back. I think back to my childhood when every Sunday we had dinner with aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents and it makes me lonely and feel a bit bad for kids missing out on this experience. But, I don't think many families do that anymore. I really wish I had a close girlfriend. I have in the past but they are all married or coupled up and don't seem to have time for me any more. Not sure how to find a new bestie Between my work, kids and caring for a home there isn't much time for friends and family which is quite sad really! So yes, I often feel that I'm floating too, not connected to other people.

Dreamboat posted 3/1/2014 11:11 AM

I have never fit in. I never felt I exactly fit in with my family. I love them and all, but I am very different from all of them. I never fit in at school, except my senior year when I started running with the "misfits" where our only common characteristic with that none of us fit in. I did finally feel I fit in with X, so for almost 20 years I did fit in. Then he betrayed me and I realized that I did not really fit after all.

Honestly, I have stopped trying to fit in. I have friends but no deep friendships. I am close with my family, but not very close. Even with DD, we are close and talk a lot, but in public my teenager DD does not want anyone to know I am her mother (nothing mean, just typical teenage actions). I don;t think anyone has ever really understood me and at this age I have stopped trying to find someone who might.

Crescita posted 3/1/2014 11:41 AM

My entire life!

My tastes are so diverse and sometimes contradictory and always changing. I like to go tent camping with a nice bottle of wine. I can appreciate vegan food and the thought behind it, but also a nice steak and the lifestyle that supports it. I can enjoy trash TV and an obscure Oscar movie. I want kids but don't have them, which at 30 I can say and people will ask why I don't just get knocked up? I can support both sides of a political argument, which strangely no one seems to appreciate

I try to focus on what I do have in common with people rather than what I don't. I can relate to most people on some level so that is still pretty good.

tryingagain74 posted 3/1/2014 16:13 PM

I did at first. I felt like I was the only divorced woman for miles around. Everyone seemed to be in couples.

After a while, I just got used to it and stopped caring. While I do have great friends who are happy to spend time with me without dragging their husbands along, I also did two things that have been good for my introverted self:

I joined a choir because I love to sing. That has been a great way for me to get out once a week in a social setting, doing something that I love, and I feel like I'm part of a community.

I started volunteering for an organization. Again, it has been a great way to meet people, and I enjoy doing something for the greater good.

Doing those things, spending time with friends and family, raising three children, and working are more than enough socialization for me. I'm not going out and doing anything tonight, and I'm thrilled with that. You should join some sort of group. You'd be amazed by how much it makes you feel connected without sapping too much of your energy; my choir rehearses weekly, and I volunteer once per month. That has been enough for me.

phmh posted 3/1/2014 16:38 PM

If you want to fit in somewhere, I also recommend joining a group. My running group has become a second family to me, and I also have made life-long friends as an adult through volunteering.

As you can see from this thread, there are a lot of people missing that connection, so sometimes it helps if you're willing to make the first move and see if someone wants to do something with you. (I know that is easy for me to say!)

Be open to someone who doesn't have all of your interests or who may not fit the type of your typical friend -- I have friends (in that I do things with them frequently and I know they'd be there for me if I needed it) in all decades from their 20s to 70s.

Williesmom posted 3/1/2014 20:25 PM

Same here. I go to work and spend my day in my office, because there is just so much to do.

I leave work, and go to an almost empty gym where I work out and go home to an empty house.

I have a group of girl friends that are all married and busy.

My platonic male friend recently purchased a business and is consumed with it.

I spend a LOT of time alone. It's also the winter that never ended here in Western PA. I'm going stir crazy, and I'm lonely.

hexed posted 3/1/2014 22:10 PM

Right there with you IL.

Ever since I moved almost 3 years ago. I either work for home or travel. I haven't found a 'group' here in town. I need to get involved in a group activity but I just can't seem to find anything.

I miss my friends at home and just don't see to know how to make new ones here.

It makes me sad.

Rainbows posted 3/1/2014 23:05 PM

I feel the same way. I've been kind of lost recently now that I'm coming out of the acute emotions of the D.

Socially, I've mostly been a hermit. I have the same schedule as some of the posters who work then come home to an empty house.

I don't hang with my married friends anymore because I just don't fit. I can tell my D makes some of them uncomfortable (rug sweeping in their own M). Most of my single friends have never been M and are dying to find "the one." I don't know if I'm too jaded or cynical to be encouraging and supportive.

I'm an introvert and enjoy my own company, but it gets to me sometimes. Thankfully, I have my furbabies to keep me company and bring me smiles.

fadedrainbow posted 3/2/2014 02:57 AM

I feel the same. I am an introvert. I spend much of my time alone. I have very few friends here and no family here since I have NC with the X's family. I live in the UK but originally from the US and stay because my kids are here but no longer living at home. I have to force myself to go out of my house and I live in the big "exciting"city. Though I have been D for 4 years I am still coming to terms with the reality of my life now. I am sad to see so many of us feel lonely and isolated. I know a couple of people who have D because of infidelity but they are now happily remarried. No one else understands, except my IC, and SI er's.

better4me posted 3/2/2014 10:55 AM

Wow, too bad we don't live in the same city, we could form a support group! My issue isn't so much not "fitting in" as not having "enough" connection with others. I have close friends and do fit in with them, but they don't come home with me after we go out and do something. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. The cat is company, but not "great" company. This is the part I dislike most about not being in a relationship with a partner.

I just read a chapter in a book about our need as humans for a feeling of connection. Ugh.

Is "trying not to let it bother me" the best solution??

jemimapd posted 3/2/2014 10:57 AM

In my experience, the key is to do one or two things regularly. It takes time to become part of a group. I would give it 6 times at a group to begin to feel a part of it. I think it is better to do a few things regularly than flit from activity to activity.

SeanFLA posted 3/2/2014 11:36 AM

This is kind of a interesting topic. When the hardest part of the recession hit it effected my industry really bad. I felt way lost and exWW couldn't really understand that because her business was going in the opposite upward direction and wasn't effected. The majority of men relate their worth and self-esteem to their jobs. Just like many women do the same thing with regards to motherhood sometimes. It's just how we are wired. We never had a household income problem, just a WW with an FOO and need for self-validation problem.

So upon discovery of her extra curricular activities and her decision to file for divorce I remember her saying..."Well I know who I am and that's your problem to figure yourself out." It was really mean and derogatory that way she said it. So in return I said..."Yes, you're an lying, egotistical adulteress who destroys our family and the family of the other BS....that's who who are. I hope you're proud of your accomplishments"

I still feel lost most days. I think the feeling (I read) stems from a lost in identity because many of us were married so long. If you asked who we are prior to discovery, most would say a husband, father, wife, mother or loyal partner with pride at what they've built with their lives. ExWW and I started out with nothing but our college degrees and moved half way across the country to take a chance when we were first married. She quit her professional job and moved for mine. But we worked hard and I thought did everything right. Now it's like all of that feels like it's gone.

ExposedNiblet posted 3/2/2014 13:00 PM

Yes. I've felt like this my entire life.

Does anyone remember the music video of No Rain by Blind Melon with the plump, bespectacled little girl in a bumblebee costume who dances her way through her town until she finds a group of people just like her? That's me - but I haven't found my bunch of dancing bumblebees yet.

For those saying to just get out there and meet people and participate in groups, for some of us it's a lot more difficult than that.