Since dday #2 (WH broke NC) I noticed a shift in me. After dday #1 I would say I was hysterically bonding and trying as hard as I possibly could to repair the M and make my WH happy to be with me. After I found he was still in touch via chats, my heart sank so so low. Seems obvious in retrospect that you can't love someone out of an A.
But now (although it has only been a few weeks), dday #2 also created a shift in my WH attitude. I made it clear after #1 that there was to be strict NC. I was ready to walk out after #2 and it shook him to the core. Now he's returned to being focused on me, loving, wanting to spend all his time with me and making every effort he can think of (on his own, without prompting) to make me feel safe and secure in our M. Even started MC with me this week.
So - I feel like I'm truly in R now, finally. Trouble is, I still feel so so unhappy. I am not excited about life at all. I yearn for the past. Part of the A was the fact that I wanted to move and get a new job so we could earn more money and be comfortable. Now, I can't stand the new job I got, and I have no energy to actually devote any effort to it. I almost hope I get fired. And the new home we live in just reminds me of the terrible events that have occurred. I don't want to get out of bed, even though I can't sleep and wake up at all hours (I have been doing this for some time, to get up and check WH phone and computer while he slept). I have little trust in him still, but I want the R and the M - although who wants to be with a depressed disheveled mess?!!
I want to move back to our old town, but that would mean we would be back closer to the OW. WH wants to stay and stick out our year lease to give the area and job a try, and have time away from the "craziness". I know this makes sense, but I am so unhappy here. I just can't put my finger on what. Yearning/grieving for the past? My old life? The blissful ignorance?
I am hating the person I've become and feel utterly worthless right now.