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alleyk posted 2/28/2014 22:01 PM

Since dday #2 (WH broke NC) I noticed a shift in me. After dday #1 I would say I was hysterically bonding and trying as hard as I possibly could to repair the M and make my WH happy to be with me. After I found he was still in touch via chats, my heart sank so so low. Seems obvious in retrospect that you can't love someone out of an A.

But now (although it has only been a few weeks), dday #2 also created a shift in my WH attitude. I made it clear after #1 that there was to be strict NC. I was ready to walk out after #2 and it shook him to the core. Now he's returned to being focused on me, loving, wanting to spend all his time with me and making every effort he can think of (on his own, without prompting) to make me feel safe and secure in our M. Even started MC with me this week.

So - I feel like I'm truly in R now, finally. Trouble is, I still feel so so unhappy. I am not excited about life at all. I yearn for the past. Part of the A was the fact that I wanted to move and get a new job so we could earn more money and be comfortable. Now, I can't stand the new job I got, and I have no energy to actually devote any effort to it. I almost hope I get fired. And the new home we live in just reminds me of the terrible events that have occurred. I don't want to get out of bed, even though I can't sleep and wake up at all hours (I have been doing this for some time, to get up and check WH phone and computer while he slept). I have little trust in him still, but I want the R and the M - although who wants to be with a depressed disheveled mess?!!

I want to move back to our old town, but that would mean we would be back closer to the OW. WH wants to stay and stick out our year lease to give the area and job a try, and have time away from the "craziness". I know this makes sense, but I am so unhappy here. I just can't put my finger on what. Yearning/grieving for the past? My old life? The blissful ignorance?

I am hating the person I've become and feel utterly worthless right now.

Virginiagirl posted 2/28/2014 22:21 PM

I remember feeling inexplicably down right when I first started to R. Almost like a big regression at the time I'm supposed to be hopeful, grateful..something. I think its partly fear, you know? How can I risk being happy again if I am scared the rug might get pulled out from under me? And of course the new place/house brings memories! I know what you mean. My WH's A started during the move into the house & city we now live in.

I think it's ok to go through these emotions and expect them, not reject them. Talk to your WH about them if you can. And DON'T worry about if HE will want to be with a "depressed disheveled wreck".... does this awesome woman he wronged and broke want to be with HIM? If he can't deal with you going through rough times and be there for you- then that's a test of his remorse.

If you've felt like this really badly for more than a week or 2- is it depression? Are you in IC? Take care of yourself!

purplejacket4 posted 2/28/2014 22:22 PM

Do you have your own IC? If not please consider that. Also consider seeing your doctor to see if you might have clinical depression that would respond to medication.

[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 10:23 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

annb posted 2/28/2014 22:31 PM

I have little trust in him still, but I want the R and the M - although who wants to be with a depressed disheveled mess?!!

1. Right now he is not trustworthy. He needs to earn your trust back, it will come based on his actions.

2. One of the things that helped my WH understand the damage his A caused was to SEE THE DESPRESSED DISHEVELED MESS I had become. It helped him understand the gut-wrenching pain that I was experiencing, as he had NEVER seen me in such misery in our 30 years of marriage prior to his A.

3. Listen to purplejacket, and meet with your doctor. Medications will help, even if you take something to help you get some rest.

((((alleyk)))) I am so sorry you are hurting. I remember those days when I could barely get out of bed and take a shower.

Ostrich80 posted 3/1/2014 02:38 AM

I'm in agree about possible depression. I spent.my days aimlessly walking around my house unable to focus on the simplest of things. My bills were stacked because I couldn't focus on paying them. I finally got on welbuterin and I can really feel a difference. Not drastic but slowly coming back to myself. It took a while to kick in but definitely better now.

alleyk posted 3/1/2014 16:56 PM

It does feel like I'm resisting feeling open and vulnerable, even though I see my WH making conscious efforts. How do I know he's not pulling the wool over my eyes? How do I know that, after a period of time, he won't go back to his old ways and break NC? It's truly fear of being hurt again, and feeling a lack of control of my relationship and life.

Livingalie2014 posted 3/1/2014 17:02 PM

Alleyk - you should definitely think about getting an IC. I was like you in many ways, angry, scared, sad, hysterically bonding, and then DD #2. It'd terrible to find out and makes things seem so hopeless. I went to an IC and she helped me process and understand my emotions, thoughts and feelings.