Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Victorious

Just Found Out :
the beat goes on

This Topic is Archived
default

 widom777 (original poster new member #42594) posted at 8:41 AM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

first, the explanation for her various infidelities over the last 9 months have basically destroyed 21 yeas of blis. She claims that we were separated during that 9 month period which me weren't, second excuse was that she did it to make he more attractive to he ( I do not understand that one). Well now we are separated but she wants no one to know. She contacts our friends and makes dinner dates for us, the fiends of course are not to be told anything we keep up the image of being a happy couple. Appearances ae so important to her. We are to start couple therapy soon but there is one big problem, that being that I suffer from a flesh wound and I am devastated, anrgy, mad etc. WTF is she up to and what to do?

posts: 4   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2014   ·   location: santa monica, ca
id 6705927
default

stronger08 ( member #16953) posted at 9:33 AM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

The beat goes on because you are allowing her to be the drummer. With piss poor excuses like these its apparent she has no remorse nor has she given much thought to the devastation she has caused. Of course she does not want anyone to know because that would pull open the curtain of the secret little she conducts behind it. So the dinner dates will continue and her little charade will play out until YOU do something about it. I'm sorry to say this bro, but your little more than window dressing and the keeper of her dirty little secrets. So she will go through the motions of MC and alike just to give you enough crumbs to keep you hoping that she will show some real change. But here is a newsflash, She can not change your current circumstance. Only you have the power to do that, And until you do, your misery will continue.

The only thing that will force her to confront her demons is to inject some reality into this fantasy world she has created for herself and you. By keeping her secrets and being a willing player in her drama, you are simply enabling her behaviors. And trust me another OM, another A and more emotional devastation will fall upon you. If you want things to improve in your life just man up and do what you already know is needed. Exposure, truth and consequence are the only means of salvation for you my man. Does this mean she will change her ways ? Perhaps, perhaps not. But YOUR life will finally begin to heal, one way or the other. Food for thought brother.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

posts: 6851   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2007
id 6705932
default

TOMTEFAR ( member #39257) posted at 10:25 AM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

^^^^^^

Agree fully with the above. Expose your WS to friends and family now. Stop being a doremat and stop enabeling your WS!

posts: 107   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2013
id 6705942
default

Uhtred ( member #40392) posted at 12:57 PM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

Sorry you are here friend. Hold this woman accountable for her actions. That doesn't mean to be mean to her but hold her accountable for what she has done. Expose the affairs to the other men's wives if there are any. Expose it to her family and others that need to know. This will burst that bubble that she's living in. Hopefully your marriage counselor will be worth their salt and will get on her ass.

We all understand you feeling angry as are we all. It's a long hard ride and not for the faint of heart. My wife and I are in limbo right now and it's because of me. I have lot of work to do on me because of what she has done. I wish you the best of luck and keep posting and asking questions. We're all here for you.

Me: BH 38years old DDay 4-29-13Her: FWW 39

posts: 669   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2013   ·   location: Houston, Texas
id 6705978
default

Aceofbase ( member #42458) posted at 1:34 PM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

I agree with the others, she will gets mad at you for exposing the truth to your friends. She will be mad because you have pop the reality versus fantasy bubble.

Expect a roller coaster on this journey. Just know that you are going down the right path. How ? By reading, posting and replying.

DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.

posts: 149   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2014   ·   location: USA
id 6705992
default

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 5:36 PM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

Listen to stronger08 and the others---YOU CONTROL YOUR FUTURE.

Ask yourself---what do you really want? Do you want to reconcile? Divorce? Still uncertain?

No matter which answer above is for you, there still needs to be action on your part. That is the only way that things are going to change.

Don't be her secret keeper. If you want support from others, then you are free to do so. She lost that say when she decided to cheat.

Hold her accountable. She believes that she has the power, and control...and that is simply untrue. You just need to realize that you call the shots for what are in your best interests. If she doesn't like it , go tell her to pound sand.

Start reclaiming your life. Knowledge is power, my friend, and you need as much as you can get. See an attorney, and learn your rights---legally and financially. Close joints credit cards. Open a bank account in your name only. START TAKING CONTROL.

These are all steps to move you in the right direction---no matter what the outcome. You may not see this at the moment, but it is nonetheless true. Don't continue to be a victim.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4388   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 6706173
default

BtraydWife ( member #42581) posted at 6:02 PM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

Yep she is doing this because you are allowing her to. Things are not gong to get better until she has to face reality.

Don't do couples therapy. You are not a couple right now. You don't feel like a team right? She needs to get her head on straight before couples therapy. She needs individual therapy for some time. When things feel better between you two then you can sign up for couples therapy. If you go now it's just going to be her bashing you saying what you did wrong and suggesting you pushed her to cheat. It will damage the situation further. Couples therapy at the beginning is a very bad idea.

She needs to start acting like she has destroyed things, because she has. This isn't just another day/week etc. Stop letting her pretend it is.

You need a timeline of her affairs. You need all the passwords and full access to all her devices. She needs to write and sent a no contact letter to her affair partner. You need to read and approve it. Post here before sending and you'll get help. She needs to start weekly individual counseling. Tell her if she doesn't do those things you will expose her to friends and family. She needs to stop with the dinner dates, etc. You are in a crisis!

She makes me angry for you.

Stop letting her rug sweep this.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010

posts: 5437   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6706215
default

Tearsoflove ( member #8271) posted at 8:05 PM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

Whether or not you wish to keep it between the two of you is up to you, not her. She lost the right to make decisions as a couple when she cheated. And speaking of making decisions as a couple, why in the hell are you allowing her to make dinner plans for the two of you? You're not separated if you're still acting like a couple.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

posts: 6078   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2005   ·   location: Southeast
id 6706330
default

 widom777 (original poster new member #42594) posted at 10:29 PM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

I agree with all of you. The damage occurred just last week on valentines day when I by chance left my laptop at work and used her computer instead, finding at that time about her little trists.

She is now pissed that I am taking a week off, leaving town so I can adjust to live as it now exists. In other words I am starting to take care of myself. I owed her no explanation other than her behavior is the cause of our little problem and since we are separated, I can damn do sa I want and I won't take it anymore. I get a little stronger everyday. We will see what occurs, Stay tuned...

posts: 4   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2014   ·   location: santa monica, ca
id 6706470
default

 widom777 (original poster new member #42594) posted at 10:41 PM on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

oh forgot to tell you all--she is going through Menopause and is 49 and having a mid life crisis which is about to become a lot worse. She doen not show any remorse and has since found out her nre man is in a drug rehab lockdown center for addiction to speed, has a wife who wants to divorce him and has 2 children too! so she gets what see deserves

posts: 4   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2014   ·   location: santa monica, ca
id 6706479
default

ZedLeppelin ( member #40895) posted at 2:27 AM on Sunday, March 2nd, 2014

Copy/Paste from your other thread:

"I don't know about other men, but for me multiple affair partners = immediate divorce.

1) Consult a Lawyer - file for divorce

2) Get tested for STDs

3) Expose the OM to their girlfriends/wives

4) Inform your wife's family/friends that your wife has a new boyfriend and whether or not she can go live with them.

5) Ask her to leave the house

6) Get yourself some counseling."

posts: 219   ·   registered: Oct. 5th, 2013
id 6706662
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy