SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

widom777 posted 3/1/2014 02:41 AM

first, the explanation for her various infidelities over the last 9 months have basically destroyed 21 yeas of blis. She claims that we were separated during that 9 month period which me weren't, second excuse was that she did it to make he more attractive to he ( I do not understand that one). Well now we are separated but she wants no one to know. She contacts our friends and makes dinner dates for us, the fiends of course are not to be told anything we keep up the image of being a happy couple. Appearances ae so important to her. We are to start couple therapy soon but there is one big problem, that being that I suffer from a flesh wound and I am devastated, anrgy, mad etc. WTF is she up to and what to do?

stronger08 posted 3/1/2014 03:33 AM

The beat goes on because you are allowing her to be the drummer. With piss poor excuses like these its apparent she has no remorse nor has she given much thought to the devastation she has caused. Of course she does not want anyone to know because that would pull open the curtain of the secret little she conducts behind it. So the dinner dates will continue and her little charade will play out until YOU do something about it. I'm sorry to say this bro, but your little more than window dressing and the keeper of her dirty little secrets. So she will go through the motions of MC and alike just to give you enough crumbs to keep you hoping that she will show some real change. But here is a newsflash, She can not change your current circumstance. Only you have the power to do that, And until you do, your misery will continue.

The only thing that will force her to confront her demons is to inject some reality into this fantasy world she has created for herself and you. By keeping her secrets and being a willing player in her drama, you are simply enabling her behaviors. And trust me another OM, another A and more emotional devastation will fall upon you. If you want things to improve in your life just man up and do what you already know is needed. Exposure, truth and consequence are the only means of salvation for you my man. Does this mean she will change her ways ? Perhaps, perhaps not. But YOUR life will finally begin to heal, one way or the other. Food for thought brother.

TOMTEFAR posted 3/1/2014 04:25 AM

^^^^^^

Agree fully with the above. Expose your WS to friends and family now. Stop being a doremat and stop enabeling your WS!

Uhtred posted 3/1/2014 06:57 AM

Sorry you are here friend. Hold this woman accountable for her actions. That doesn't mean to be mean to her but hold her accountable for what she has done. Expose the affairs to the other men's wives if there are any. Expose it to her family and others that need to know. This will burst that bubble that she's living in. Hopefully your marriage counselor will be worth their salt and will get on her ass.

We all understand you feeling angry as are we all. It's a long hard ride and not for the faint of heart. My wife and I are in limbo right now and it's because of me. I have lot of work to do on me because of what she has done. I wish you the best of luck and keep posting and asking questions. We're all here for you.

Aceofbase posted 3/1/2014 07:34 AM

I agree with the others, she will gets mad at you for exposing the truth to your friends. She will be mad because you have pop the reality versus fantasy bubble.

Expect a roller coaster on this journey. Just know that you are going down the right path. How ? By reading, posting and replying.

jb3199 posted 3/1/2014 11:36 AM

Listen to stronger08 and the others---YOU CONTROL YOUR FUTURE.

Ask yourself---what do you really want? Do you want to reconcile? Divorce? Still uncertain?

No matter which answer above is for you, there still needs to be action on your part. That is the only way that things are going to change.

Don't be her secret keeper. If you want support from others, then you are free to do so. She lost that say when she decided to cheat.

Hold her accountable. She believes that she has the power, and control...and that is simply untrue. You just need to realize that you call the shots for what are in your best interests. If she doesn't like it , go tell her to pound sand.

Start reclaiming your life. Knowledge is power, my friend, and you need as much as you can get. See an attorney, and learn your rights---legally and financially. Close joints credit cards. Open a bank account in your name only. START TAKING CONTROL.

These are all steps to move you in the right direction---no matter what the outcome. You may not see this at the moment, but it is nonetheless true. Don't continue to be a victim.

BtraydWife posted 3/1/2014 12:02 PM

Yep she is doing this because you are allowing her to. Things are not gong to get better until she has to face reality.

Don't do couples therapy. You are not a couple right now. You don't feel like a team right? She needs to get her head on straight before couples therapy. She needs individual therapy for some time. When things feel better between you two then you can sign up for couples therapy. If you go now it's just going to be her bashing you saying what you did wrong and suggesting you pushed her to cheat. It will damage the situation further. Couples therapy at the beginning is a very bad idea.

She needs to start acting like she has destroyed things, because she has. This isn't just another day/week etc. Stop letting her pretend it is.

You need a timeline of her affairs. You need all the passwords and full access to all her devices. She needs to write and sent a no contact letter to her affair partner. You need to read and approve it. Post here before sending and you'll get help. She needs to start weekly individual counseling. Tell her if she doesn't do those things you will expose her to friends and family. She needs to stop with the dinner dates, etc. You are in a crisis!

She makes me angry for you.
Stop letting her rug sweep this.

Tearsoflove posted 3/1/2014 14:05 PM

Whether or not you wish to keep it between the two of you is up to you, not her. She lost the right to make decisions as a couple when she cheated. And speaking of making decisions as a couple, why in the hell are you allowing her to make dinner plans for the two of you? You're not separated if you're still acting like a couple.

widom777 posted 3/1/2014 16:29 PM

I agree with all of you. The damage occurred just last week on valentines day when I by chance left my laptop at work and used her computer instead, finding at that time about her little trists.

She is now pissed that I am taking a week off, leaving town so I can adjust to live as it now exists. In other words I am starting to take care of myself. I owed her no explanation other than her behavior is the cause of our little problem and since we are separated, I can damn do sa I want and I won't take it anymore. I get a little stronger everyday. We will see what occurs, Stay tuned...

widom777 posted 3/1/2014 16:41 PM

oh forgot to tell you all--she is going through Menopause and is 49 and having a mid life crisis which is about to become a lot worse. She doen not show any remorse and has since found out her nre man is in a drug rehab lockdown center for addiction to speed, has a wife who wants to divorce him and has 2 children too! so she gets what see deserves

ZedLeppelin posted 3/1/2014 20:27 PM

Copy/Paste from your other thread:

"I don't know about other men, but for me multiple affair partners = immediate divorce.

1) Consult a Lawyer - file for divorce
2) Get tested for STDs
3) Expose the OM to their girlfriends/wives
4) Inform your wife's family/friends that your wife has a new boyfriend and whether or not she can go live with them.
5) Ask her to leave the house
6) Get yourself some counseling."