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Newest Member: drummerwife (46039)

User Topic: sharing some more background.info
Aceofbase
♂ 42458
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In talking with my WW and asking why she won't share information with me about the EA her reply has been "because you won't ever let me forget it." I asked why she thought this way and it was "because I just know you." I thought how dare you think that way I am a very forgiving person.

In reflecting on this I have realized that she is talking about my anxiety issues. For the last 10 plus years I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. Granted it a whole lot better than before but I still struggle with obsessive thoughts not the panic attacks.

She doesn't understand that the truth shall set us free and I guess that is true with all obsessive thoughts. Wow how insightful!


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW will give any and all excuses not to have to be honest. If she was so afraid you would never let her forget it, than she shouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

Get her to understand, that you might not ever let her forget it IF You do not get your questions answered honestly.

You will be making up all kinds of scenes that might not be true, and certainly not the 100s of them in your mind.

Just make sure, no matter what she tells you honestly, do not throw it back in her face. Watch your snide comments. That is helpful and damn hard to do.


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Jun 2002
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The things we deny tend to have more power over us. That's why I'm a big fan of embracing everything. It's nice to wake up one morning and realize you've forgotten the last time you were angry, or sad, or any A-related stuff...

craig's advice is good.

I hope she gets it, that by withholding truth from you, she is prolonging your healing (as a couple).
You may want to brush up on the 180 - it's about healing yourself.


Posts: 6840 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she won't be truthful, how on earth are you going to R with her? She's hiding, protecting herself, and actually boldly telling you to just 'move on'.

I'd 180 her, hard. If she won't work towards healing, why bother?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
jb3199
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In talking with my WW and asking why she won't share information with me about the EA her reply has been "because you won't ever let me forget it."

To me, that reads: "me, me, me, and more about me."

Doesn't promote much empathy, does it?

You can't reconcile(healthily, anyways) without remorse. You may think she has it, but she doesn't....at least not yet. Don't ignore this---it is the path to future difficulties that can, and should be avoided.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 22yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Uhtred
♂ 40392
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully she will see the light and start giving you the truth that you deserve. I got half truths and lies for a month before I got the whole story (at least I think I do). Explain to her since she won't tell you, that your mind is filling in the blanks and that is causing you more anxiety. Also by dragging it out its only going to cause more damage to you.

I'm not trying to cause you more anxiety but there is a good chance that there is much more to the story than you think. I hope for your sake she gives you the truth sooner rather than later.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask your wife this, how would she like it if the situation were reversed and YOU were the one who had an affair. Would she be asking you a bunch of questions, would she be angry at you.

If she says no, she would not ask you anything or be angry with you, than she is in complete denial. Because you know damn good and well she would be all over your with questions.

Have you ever seen what is called Jerry's Letter on here. Sometimes it was called the puzzle. One of he best letters ever to a WW about the need for the truth. It could be in the Healing Library.

Print that out and have her read it.


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Jun 2002
Mhiimg65
♀ 41951
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In reflecting on this I have realized that she is talking about my anxiety issues. For the last 10 plus years I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. Granted it a whole lot better than before but I still struggle with obsessive thoughts not the panic attacks.

WW needs to realize that if you don't know the truth and details, that the obsessive thoughts will be much worse that the reality. We've all experienced the mind movies, but they are so much easier to turn into "a commercial" when you know the truth, no matter how bad it may seem.

There is another thread on the forum where people are talking about how their anxiety issues actually improved post DD. Maybe it had to do with issues that were once unknown, are now explained.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 145 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think anxiety is basically caused by the unknown. The mind conjures up all kinds of worrying events with the unknown. You can work yourself up to extreme anxiety with the unknown.

And affairs where the WS will not remove all of the unknowns by being entirely truthful causes more and more anxiety.


Posts: 4444 | Registered: Jun 2002
Topic Posts: 9

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