I always promised myself that I would never look or respond to anything my wife posted. I am going to break that promise today. I hope that it doesn't land me in trouble with the mods or get me banned. I figured this may be the best way since our communication is limited to the children only. Everyone here knows our dirty laundry already anyway as we know theirs. It is not my intention to attack you whatsoever, I'm far beyond that now. I want you to know and understand how I feel when I just cant find the words because it hurts too much to say.
Where to start? The last 10 months have been pure hell for us. The devastation that has been brought down upon me is unreal. The images that you sent and received and the words you spoke will forever be burned in my mind and conscience. I won't air them here but you know what I'm talking about. When I close my eyes it is all I can see. I spent time in the hospital and lost a finger due to a severe infection I got from attacking your AP. My own actions caused me to do this but your actions put me in the situation. I could be behind bars right now and still could if they decided to press charges. I'm thankful for the other man's wife having sympathy for me. I'm angry that I feel like I lost the love of my life and had insult to injury. I'm an angry man now. I used to be happy and full of life. Now its a struggle to get up and go to work. It's a struggle to smile at our boys and be happy with them. I do it because I love them.
For the first time ever I'm battling with real depression. I've went from one med to the other trying to find something that will ease my pain. I feel like a zombie. The meds have cause me to gain 35lbs in the process. I was fit and trim the day I found out. I've drank way more than I should and taken to pain pills to try and get through the day. This is my problem to fix now. You didn't pour the liquor down my throat or make me take pills. These are my own poor coping skills surfacing and I'm going to fix this for me and my boys. This is not who I am or who I want to be.
I can't blame my actions on the truly broken home that I came from. My mother and I were in a tragic car accident as a child and I lost her. My life forever changed that day. Things went down hill from there for my dad. You know the rest. When I hear you speak of your broken home I marvel at the thought of being loved like that. This isn't a pissing competition on who had the most broken home. I feel like you are laying too much blame on your family issues. You come from a damn good home with problems like everyone else.
Since the moment I laid eyes on you in the 5th grade I knew there was something special about you. You checked yes when I sent you that love note and we were an item. It seems like only yesterday. I moved away but we came back into each others lives when I was 17 years old. I looked you up and asked you out and the rest is history. You were the love of my life. We have two beautiful children together and for that I'm eternally grateful.
I've worked hard to better us and our children. I have suffered, sacrificed, and literally bled on occasion to make ends meet. You wanted to stay home with our children and I thought it was a wonderful idea. I put my work boots on and made it happen. There was a time that you were right there in the trenches with me. It is truly devastating that for a year you were busy stabbing me in the back and watching me bleed.
Since the minute you started the affair I knew something was wrong. As you know I confided in our close friends and they laughed at me and said there was no way. I tried on many occasions throughout the course of the year to tell you something was wrong.
A week before DDAY I shed tears to you telling you that something was wrong. You told me that you loved me and that we were ok. I find out shortly after that that you are arranging a baby sitter so you can go meet your affair partner while I'm hard at work. Again the words that you wrote to him crushed my soul.
One week later the night before DDAY we went out and had a nice time. When we got home I broke down in tears again and you assured me that you loved me and that everything was ok. I was embarrassed at myself. The following day while we were spending time together kid free you were in the bathroom emailing him telling him that you were thinking about him. This very same day my life was changed forever by your slip up with your phone and I saw everything.
You tried to tell me that what happened to us the night before with me crying was real and that you were only emailing the other man to keep him quiet so you could call him the next day and break it off for good.
This is yet another lie that you have stuck with throughout this whole ordeal. You failed to mention for a month after DDAY about another affair you were having with the guy that you went to high school with. It was only after much pressure from me telling you that you were still lying to me and that I wouldn't step foot into marriage counseling with you because you are a liar.
You broke down and told me about it. To this day I still have my doubts about some physical contact with this man since you met him a total of 3 times. You've sworn up and down that nothing physical happened but its always on my mind.
You have been a model wife and a good citizen since after the month of lying I endured. You have shown me the remorse that you have. You are transparent with anything and everything you do. Apologies are non stop and all the other things that one should do in your situation if they were sincere. We are both going to IC and MC. You are participating willingly. Me not so much but I'm going.
I feel guilty for reading the countless stories of unremorseful spouses and the crap that they unload on their BS. Leaving them for the affair (which you indicated) partner or worse.
I woke up a few mornings ago and realized that I'm no better today than I was 10 months ago. Sure the shock is wearing off but I still experience deep sadness and the stabbing pain in my heart still burns. I have deal breaker screaming in my ear so much that I wonder if I'm prolonging the inevitable.
This is the first time I've removed myself from my family since this all began. I need this time to reflect upon my life where I'm at and where I'm going to go. I know that my life is not over and its what I make of it that counts in the end. I just need to figure that out and point myself in the right direction.
It's no secret that I do love you. I always have and probably always will regardless if we remain together or apart. I know what is best for our children but I know that if I'm not happy then then we won't be happy and it will fall down upon them. I'm sorry that you are struggling from us being apart. It's not my wish to hurt you but this is best for the time being.