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I need support, advice or maybe to just be heard

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Ihtoiltm posted 3/1/2014 09:22 AM

We are 10 months post d-day, trying to R but are in limbo. My BH, Uhtred has been living in hell because of me. He has stayed by my side and given so much of himself, he tells me and shows me that he still loves me, I know he does because he would not subject himself to this if he didn't, he would have ran long ago and never looked back. More than that though is that I feel his love for me and I hope he feels mine for him. We have been doing the work, talking extensively, going to MC & IC. I have torn myself down to the core and finally realized and accepted that I had some severe issues that needed dealing with and I am working through them. I blame no one but myself for what I have done. I have apologized to him countless times and will continue to do so because I am truly remorseful for what I have done. I will stop at nothing to help him in any way that I can, I want to take away this unbearable hurt and pain I have caused him although I know I can't take it away I want to help him work through it. Anything he needs of me I will do. Uhtred is everything to me.
I know some that read this will read it with anger and tell me that I should have never done what I did and I wouldn't be here, I understand that. I understand that if it wasn't for me and my actions we would not be in the hell that we are living in, I caused it and I accept that. I am not that person anymore, I am no longer the selfish bitch that I once was. My eyes have been opened so wide and can see so clearly ways that I was wrong and things I needed to change about myself for so long. I hate the person I became and I will never return to that again.
For the first time since d-day he asked for time alone. I understand and respect his need for time by himself. Here is what I am struggling with though, in trying to respect what he said he needed I have not contacted him at all but I am hurting so badly without him. If it wasn't for the kids being with me I would be drowning in my own tears in bed. I have had to wear my sunglasses so they can't see my crying and my eyes red and swollen. I struggle because I don't want this to be about me anymore, I was far too selfish for far too long and my focus is now on him and what he needs. I fear though that in not contacting him at all he will think I am being callous and spiteful when in fact I am trying to respect him and putting my feelings behind his for the first time in a long time.
Maybe I am hoping he will see this and know where my heart is. I love him and I want to share a life with him and I am working hard every day on myself, he knows this is what I want and hopefully one day I will be enough and he will want it too.

painfulpast posted 3/1/2014 09:41 AM


BS here -

Did your H specifically ask that you not contact him? If not, I don't know if you're breaking his request by simply calling to let him know you're thinking of him, or something of that nature. Did something happen that caused him to want some time apart?

I know some that read this will read it with anger and tell me that I should have never done what I did and I wouldn't be here,

This would be sad. I don't know anyone that can't say that about something in their life. You're here, remorseful, trying to work to build a new future and help your H heal. There's no reason anyone should respond to that with the blanket statement of "well you brought this on yourself". How does that help anyone?

I hear you Ihtoiltm. I've been afraid at times that my M was over. Hang in there. You'll get through this. All you can do is keep working on you.

Ihtoiltm posted 3/1/2014 10:15 AM

Painfulpast thank you so much for your quick response as I am sinking and feeling hopeless. He did not specifically ask that I not contact him. I feel like if I do though he will feel compelled to respond and I don't want to make him feel this way. To my knowledge nothing specific happened to bring this on.
I want to heal him, I want to heal myself and I want to heal us. I wish I could know how to do this. I will continue working on myself as you said because that is all I can do and I will be here for him.

floridaredman posted 3/1/2014 10:21 AM

Even if he said not to contact him, just you sending a text to let him know you still care will mean a lot to him. Even if he gets angry that you did, the effort would be appreciated in the long run.

20WrongsVs1 posted 3/1/2014 10:27 AM

Welcome back, Ihtoiltm, it's been almost two months since your last post. And what brought you back? A not even thinly-veiled attempt to indirectly contact your BH.

It wouldn't be fair to measure the work you've done IRL by your activity on SI, because not everyone finds this useful. You say you read daily. Why so silent, then? This is the sixth post you've started. The first, you responded to. Posts two through five? Zilch.

So what are you doing here? That could be interpreted as "GTFO" which is not what I mean. But look at your very topic title: you say you need support, advice or maybe to just be heard. Heard by whom? Your BH? His give-a-shit might be broke WRT you. Mine kinda is too.

You get what you give here on SI, my wayward sister. Uhtred has not only sought support & advice here, but has taken it, processed it, and turned around and generously given it, trying to help others.

I love him and I want to share a life with him and I am working hard every day on myself, he knows this is what I want and hopefully one day I will be enough and he will want it too.

You haven't yet accepted that you left Uhtred, and the damage you did to him and your M may be irreparable. The pain and sadness you're feeling now that you're separated? Imagine your husband's pain when he found out you were so in love with AP that you wanted to take Uhtred's children away and run away with AP. Frankly I don't think the crushing realization of how badly you hurt Uhtred has hit you yet, because this post is mostly about "I want" and "I am hurting" and "I struggle."

painfulpast posted 3/1/2014 10:34 AM

Ihtoiltm, please don't feel hopeless. As you said, Uhtred has been there for you. He loves you. He probably just wants some space after a rough year.

If he didn't ask that you not contact him, I would absolutely send him a text saying something like this:

"Hi honey. I know you want some space, but I wanted you to know I've been thinking about you constantly. I'm so very sorry for the pain I've caused you. You don't need to respond to this message, but if you want to talk, anytime, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you, and I'll never hurt you again. Love Ihtoiltm"

Something along those lines. Let him know he's on your mind. Let him know, again, you're sorry for the pain he is in. Tell him he does NOT need to respond, but if he wants anything, you're there for him.

Remember, you can't heal him. That's his job. You can support that healing and really put it on the fast track with openness, love and compassion.

One of the things a BS wants to know is that the WS isn't going anywhere. That the WS understands that this is a big job, getting to R, but that it's worth it because the BS is worth it. That the WS will do whatever it takes to try to make things better. You reaching out will most likely mean a great deal to him. Of course, I can't speak for every BS, but these thoughts seem to be fairly consistent amongst the BSs here on SI.

You can do this. You can get through this. It's great you're going to keep working on you. Keep posting - the WSs here have so much knowledge, and we BSs that are farther along generally really like seeing the WSs point of view. It's very helpful to us to see that the things our WSs say are true, because there are many consistencies between what our WSs say, and what the WSs here say.

Sorry - that was a bit off track. My point is simply that there are people here that have been through it all and lived to tell the tale. Reach out often, for advice, support, or just someone to listen.

You got this. Let Uhtred know you care. Don't ting the message with guilt, such as 'the kids miss you' or even 'I miss you' unless he says it first, which he may. Keep it above that. Keep it to letting him know you're thinking of him and that you're there for him.

Stay hopeful. Stay positive.

Ihtoiltm posted 3/1/2014 11:21 AM

FRM & Painfulpast~ thank you, I feel you both understand where we are and I appreciate your sound advice.

20Wrongs~ thank you for your time to respond however you don't understand where we are. I have accepted that I left him and our marriage and that he might decide I have done too much to stay. We are working, working hard. I read from here daily but feel as though I don't have much good advice to offer so I don't.
Yes my post today was to gain advice and support for myself as I am trying to do what is best for Uhtred, and gain insight from others who have been here. As I said in my post and maybe you missed it, I am trying to respect HIS feelings and HIS needs now and not my own. Putting my selfish desire to call him and text him aside I looked to gain advice from others and their perspectives on the situation. Also hoping that maybe he would see it and understand that I want to contact him but more than that I want to respect him and what he said he needed.

20WrongsVs1 posted 3/1/2014 12:31 PM

Our DDays are virtually identical. My As were shorter, but my BH also read my A emails, in which I heaped praise on the APs and complained about BH and how unhappy I was. But, yeah, whatever, I don't understand you. So consider this my parting thought.

You're clearly terrified right now.

If Thursday night my BH had packed me off to stay with my parents, then wrote this on Friday...

Uhtred: I have to say last night I had a peace about me that I haven't had in a long time.

I'd be scared, too. Panicked even.

You've repeatedly admitted you wrote this because you want Uhtred to read it. Why? So he can see how sad you are, what a damsel in distress you are, and will reach out to you and/or ask you to come home?

Ihtoiltm posted 3/1/2014 12:41 PM

No, so that he knows my sadness and remorse for what I have done to him and all the ways I have betrayed him. And that I am now, finally, putting him first.
You are right, you don't know me, he does though and he knows where we are and where we've been and everything in between. Thank you again for your time and responses.

Uhtred posted 3/1/2014 14:13 PM

I always promised myself that I would never look or respond to anything my wife posted. I am going to break that promise today. I hope that it doesn't land me in trouble with the mods or get me banned. I figured this may be the best way since our communication is limited to the children only. Everyone here knows our dirty laundry already anyway as we know theirs. It is not my intention to attack you whatsoever, I'm far beyond that now. I want you to know and understand how I feel when I just cant find the words because it hurts too much to say.

Where to start? The last 10 months have been pure hell for us. The devastation that has been brought down upon me is unreal. The images that you sent and received and the words you spoke will forever be burned in my mind and conscience. I won't air them here but you know what I'm talking about. When I close my eyes it is all I can see. I spent time in the hospital and lost a finger due to a severe infection I got from attacking your AP. My own actions caused me to do this but your actions put me in the situation. I could be behind bars right now and still could if they decided to press charges. I'm thankful for the other man's wife having sympathy for me. I'm angry that I feel like I lost the love of my life and had insult to injury. I'm an angry man now. I used to be happy and full of life. Now its a struggle to get up and go to work. It's a struggle to smile at our boys and be happy with them. I do it because I love them.

For the first time ever I'm battling with real depression. I've went from one med to the other trying to find something that will ease my pain. I feel like a zombie. The meds have cause me to gain 35lbs in the process. I was fit and trim the day I found out. I've drank way more than I should and taken to pain pills to try and get through the day. This is my problem to fix now. You didn't pour the liquor down my throat or make me take pills. These are my own poor coping skills surfacing and I'm going to fix this for me and my boys. This is not who I am or who I want to be.

I can't blame my actions on the truly broken home that I came from. My mother and I were in a tragic car accident as a child and I lost her. My life forever changed that day. Things went down hill from there for my dad. You know the rest. When I hear you speak of your broken home I marvel at the thought of being loved like that. This isn't a pissing competition on who had the most broken home. I feel like you are laying too much blame on your family issues. You come from a damn good home with problems like everyone else.

Since the moment I laid eyes on you in the 5th grade I knew there was something special about you. You checked yes when I sent you that love note and we were an item. It seems like only yesterday. I moved away but we came back into each others lives when I was 17 years old. I looked you up and asked you out and the rest is history. You were the love of my life. We have two beautiful children together and for that I'm eternally grateful.

I've worked hard to better us and our children. I have suffered, sacrificed, and literally bled on occasion to make ends meet. You wanted to stay home with our children and I thought it was a wonderful idea. I put my work boots on and made it happen. There was a time that you were right there in the trenches with me. It is truly devastating that for a year you were busy stabbing me in the back and watching me bleed.

Since the minute you started the affair I knew something was wrong. As you know I confided in our close friends and they laughed at me and said there was no way. I tried on many occasions throughout the course of the year to tell you something was wrong.

A week before DDAY I shed tears to you telling you that something was wrong. You told me that you loved me and that we were ok. I find out shortly after that that you are arranging a baby sitter so you can go meet your affair partner while I'm hard at work. Again the words that you wrote to him crushed my soul.

One week later the night before DDAY we went out and had a nice time. When we got home I broke down in tears again and you assured me that you loved me and that everything was ok. I was embarrassed at myself. The following day while we were spending time together kid free you were in the bathroom emailing him telling him that you were thinking about him. This very same day my life was changed forever by your slip up with your phone and I saw everything.

You tried to tell me that what happened to us the night before with me crying was real and that you were only emailing the other man to keep him quiet so you could call him the next day and break it off for good.

This is yet another lie that you have stuck with throughout this whole ordeal. You failed to mention for a month after DDAY about another affair you were having with the guy that you went to high school with. It was only after much pressure from me telling you that you were still lying to me and that I wouldn't step foot into marriage counseling with you because you are a liar.

You broke down and told me about it. To this day I still have my doubts about some physical contact with this man since you met him a total of 3 times. You've sworn up and down that nothing physical happened but its always on my mind.

You have been a model wife and a good citizen since after the month of lying I endured. You have shown me the remorse that you have. You are transparent with anything and everything you do. Apologies are non stop and all the other things that one should do in your situation if they were sincere. We are both going to IC and MC. You are participating willingly. Me not so much but I'm going.

I feel guilty for reading the countless stories of unremorseful spouses and the crap that they unload on their BS. Leaving them for the affair (which you indicated) partner or worse.

I woke up a few mornings ago and realized that I'm no better today than I was 10 months ago. Sure the shock is wearing off but I still experience deep sadness and the stabbing pain in my heart still burns. I have deal breaker screaming in my ear so much that I wonder if I'm prolonging the inevitable.

This is the first time I've removed myself from my family since this all began. I need this time to reflect upon my life where I'm at and where I'm going to go. I know that my life is not over and its what I make of it that counts in the end. I just need to figure that out and point myself in the right direction.

It's no secret that I do love you. I always have and probably always will regardless if we remain together or apart. I know what is best for our children but I know that if I'm not happy then then we won't be happy and it will fall down upon them. I'm sorry that you are struggling from us being apart. It's not my wish to hurt you but this is best for the time being.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 3/1/2014 17:06 PM


I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you just don't realize what it is you losing until it is walking out the door. I can tell you from experience that I had never felt true agony until my husband decided he had had enough and decided to leave. I had lied far too many times. I came here to SI, searching for help and support. I was fortunate enough that other members understood me and have me sound advice.

That was an extremely heart felt message from your BH. It's obvious he is still in quite a bit of pain. But furthermore, he doesn't trust that he has the full story. Really think about it at this point. Does he? If there is anything you have left out. Now is the time to let it out. After all, you have nothing to lose at this point. Have you written a timeline? Have you offered a poly? I ended up taking a poly myself because I had dug myself into such a hole there was no return. Until then, my husband had no reason to believe a word I said.

Continue to work on yourself. Continue to read. For what it's worth, I don't think it's necessary to post 100's of times in order to heal. I read here every single day. Take in what is happening. I post when something strikes me or that I relate to. Some people work out their feeling by posting frequently. Do what works for you...but do the work for you.

No matter what the outcome, continue to work the problems that made it alright for you to walk down this path. You don't need your husband there to continue to work on integrity and authenticity. After all, character is what you do when no one else is watching.

mystified1970 posted 3/1/2014 22:14 PM

((Uhtred)) Your post moved me to tears. So, so sad and sorry that BS's are bound together by these torturous feelings. Asking the Universe today for peace all around.

knightsbff posted 3/1/2014 23:55 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know the fear and hurt is nearly paralyzing. Take a deep breath, put on your big girl panties, and use this time. Let go of the outcome and find your strength.

Work hard on being a woman you can be proud of. Make yourself into a woman of integrity, and strength, and grace that Uhtred would be blessed to be with.

If this is a deal breaker for him you will still be a wonderful mother to his kids and you will still have you, a strong, whole woman who has been through hell and learned from it more about who she wants to be and doesn't want to be. It's possible that the most loving thing you can do for Uhtred is to lovingly let him go. I hope not, but I think to get through this and be able to function and work on yourself and grow you will need to let go of the outcome, decide you will support and love him no matter what he chooses, and see yourself deciding to pursue health and happiness regardless of the outcome.

Focus on you. Do the work. Love your kiddos. It's going to be ok. You will be ok.

Joanh posted 3/2/2014 14:16 PM


It is hard place to be, So far I count myself very thankful the my BH is still here. In a way we do separate as he works away for min of 7 days and home for 24 to 48 hours.

There are plenty of times during the day /night I want to call text, Skype anything to put myself at ease to rid of that fear. So I can't imagine, an actual separation.

*NoW* Is the time to step up. He may not be able to come back. So.... what are you going to do. Let him down again? Are You? Can you really afford to let yourself down again? Or is it time to realize that you should love and respect yourself and keep working on yourself.

I have read some of Uhtred posts, and I have read this one in this post. Listen to it. Emathize with him, really honestly see it from his side. Your post is about you still, It screams 'hear me'. You could have given him a letter. AS others have pointed out no where has it been said no contact , and if you were wanting to give him space? you didn't you posted here your words anyways.

I know this is hard. I have been there too. You are also at the time where I really starting to get it. To realize that its time to "to own my shit" as some like it put, and live and do it. Not just say. You have to realize you may be moving forward without him in the same home. That is a consequence that, in truth is excepted and more than acceptable.

Sorry to sound tough, pull it together. Stand up, wipe your eyes and get doing the work. If you have something to say to your BH, ask if there is a way he prefers. You have the right to say. How about give him the say on how he reads, or hears it? Getting stuck in the shame or guilt or both will not do your children any good either.

You can do it. you really can. To face your demons, will be the best decision of your life, and even if he doesn't stay your husband perhaps, if you do the work, he will be proud to be part of your life still. You know he loves you. Don't use it. Appreciate it and be grateful. And who knows maybe it may be enough for him to come home. But you have to do it for you, for your kids and for him.

Ihtoiltm posted 3/2/2014 21:47 PM

Thank you all so much for the support and advice and your time. Uhtred asked me to come home last night and after a very long heartfelt, tearful and painful conversation we are all under one roof. I am so very thankful to him for his tireless work and efforts he puts in everyday to remain here and not give up. I understand that he could leave and he might still decide that is what he needs. I hope and pray that we can work through this. I am finally starting to really grasp the depths of his hurt and pain. Don't get me wrong I have tried to understand it from the very beginning but as most of you will agree with, this is a process and it hasn't been an easy one. Things I thought I understood early on I have only come to realize that I was barely scratching the surface and the farther we get the more I am understanding about myself, my issues and problems but more so about him and what this has done to him and the deep level of hurt and pain I have caused him.
He comes first and what he needs to work through this no matter the outcome. I will help him in anyway that I can and be here to support him no matter what, not because I feel as though I owe it to him but because I love him.
I am working on myself and have been for a while with still a long way to go, after all we can never be completely done right? At around the 8 month mark is when I seemed to start to really figure some things out. It is a hard but much needed look at my life and the person I was and now who I am becoming.
I won't ramble on right now but I do plan to post a little more often. Thank you again for the words of wisdom and support.

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