SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I never thought I'd be back here.I was originally here because my husband of 10 years cheated on me and we never reconciled we got a divorce , and now we are on very good terms. Fast forward a few years later, I finally meet a great guy. Stuff wasn't perfect at the beginning of our relationship. So we started to get very serious in July after being together almost a year. He moves in with me, and I learn he has a porn addiction. He literally would spend three to four hours a day masturbating to porn while I was at work. This seriously affected our sex life. He said he would change blah blah blah and maybe would for a few days but then go back to his old ways.I finally couldn't take it anymore about a week ago and I told him that I wanted to break up. He obviously was unable to change, & I couldn't take it anymore.
he started to do all the right things but something still felt not right.he always had this child hood friend that he would talk to that was a woman. But he was very social with male friends as well and just a social person in general so I really thought nothing of her.he went home for Thanksgiving where he's from and I didn't go with him.we're separated for a few days while he was with his family and I was with mine. we talk everyday he would tell me what he was doing and who its with and he would casually mention being with her as well as his other friends. I thought nothing of it. When he went back for Christmas I noticed when he talked about being with his friends he never mentioned her which I thought was weird so he would casually mention her, just like his other friends for whole relationship and then all the sudden this girl fell off the face of the earth.back in November she added me on Facebook which I actually thought was a little weird since I only met her once for an hour in the spring. I thought nothing of it.then it dawned on me this week while we were having problems that he hasn't talked about this person in a bit at least two months. I went to her Facebook page for the same time and I saw that we had no friends in common they were no longer friends on Facebook.I thought this was strange so I asked my boyfriend when is the last time you cheated on me? He said July which I had suspected and things were still pretty rocky between us so I was upset but not really because we were still in a weird stage in our relationship.I was just going on my intuition alone as you all know it's very strong when you feel like someone's lying to you.I asked him if he was sure it wasn't in December, he was silent he wouldn't answer the question.he finally said no and then I said November?he was silent again but then he finally admitted that he had sex with someone in November when you got really drunk one night.the only time he got really drunk was when he was with his friends back home for the holidays whichever holiday was. So it was pretty obvious that was that girl.I didn't ask him who it was to me it was a relevant and I already knew solely based on my intuition. We had discussed marriage in September I couldn't believe that he would do this this is only like 12 weeks ago.he was extremely remorseful. He begged and pleaded, said that he is now a changed person and that this would never happen again.said that he used to put himself before me and that's why this had happened, and now he would do anything and put me before all else that is main goal in his life would be to get me back.we were planning on moving to Boston, but due to him not working, it was making it hard because he was living of a small and he inheritance,and I was the one who is working.he left New York where we live, and went to Boston he said that he is going to get a job set everything up and prove to me that he is trying everything and that actions speak louder than words.I haven't heard from him in a full day and this is strange because we always spoke several times today and he's very good at communication. I've never met someone as good at communication as him.I don't really know what my next step should be I don't plan on contacting him.he's going to eventually need to come back to New York and get his things out of my apartment.I have no idea what my next step should be. This is the first guy that I've introduced to my children and now all the sudden he's gone.

I asked my boyfriend when is the last time you cheated on me?

Ok....what???

This was not a good relationship. I'm sorry you've been hurt again. I believe you will be MUCH better off without this guy. He sounds like a pile of issues and neither one of you get how serious they are. Staying with him guarantees heartache in the future.

I wouldn't touch this guy with a ten foot pole. When was the LAST time you cheated on me? Have you been in IC? It seems like you might have some codependency issues. You don't need a guy like this-you run from a guy like this!

I've never met someone as good at communication as him

He's fooled you. He absolutely sucks at communication.

Please keep posting here. There is a lot of support for you.

sorry you are back.

Why does he have to move to Boston to work? Pretty sure you have a McDonalds in New York too.

I can't believe you'd do this

We had discussed marriage in September

Knowing this

when is the last time you cheated on me? He said July which I had suspected

You do not need this guy in your life. Please look into finding out why you are willing to accept such horrible treatment in a relationship. You deserve so much better. Please find out why you are willing to stay with a liar and a cheater.

Your kids deserve to see a real, honest, happy, loving couple. Not just that, they NEED it in order to have a chance for that themselves. By staying with a guy like this you are telling them this is how men treat women, and this is what a woman should expect from a man, a cheater. They will copy your actions, not your words.

You've been down this road before.

Why travel it a second time?

k9

I'm sorry you find yourself here again, but you need to run for the hills a second time. I would also consider some IC for yourself to find out why your picker is off. You picked the same type of guy again and then tolerated bad behavior for too long. You know you deserve better than this.

He has a porn problem. He has sexually involved with at least one other person. He is dishonest and is NOT a good communicator. His begging and pleading and promises to change certainly sound nice, but he hasn't changed at all.

Have his stuff packed up and ready for him to pick up.

I've never met someone as good at communication as him

First, I'm sorry to see you back here. I was here when you were here before (albeit with a different moniker), and it makes me sad that you've fallen prey, again, to a cheater.

Now, for the 2 x 4.

No. This man is not a good communicator. If he were, you would not have been blindsided by his infidelity. You would not be asking questions like, "When was the last time you cheated on me?"

You're telling yourself lies. Probably because it's somehow easier than facing the truth.

Believe me, I'm familiar with this phenomenon. I did it for most of my life.

Look. This is not a guy who's healthy. This is not a man who's equipped to have a healthy relationship.

He's messed up. He's dishonest. He's an addict. You know what they say about addicts? Here you go:

Q: How do you tell if he's lying?
A: His lips are moving.

That is NOT a man who's a "good communicator." Good spin doctor? Maybe. Good at saying what you want to hear? No doubt.

But no. Not a good communicator.

You're being lied to enough already; don't lie to yourself any more.

You deserve better.

Now you can have better.

Thank you everyone..I guess it's time to move on...I cannotbbelieve I'm back to square one...I'm a good person...why??