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Want to help fiancee who has been cheated on

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adviseneededplea posted 3/1/2014 13:44 PM

Hello,
I am extremely sorry. I know that this isn't really what this is for but I need help. My fiancee has been cheated on by every girl he has been with (girls he really cared for). Except me.
We have been together for four years. I love him deeply and have never betrayed him but the shadow of what those girls have done still lingers. He says it doesn't but it does.
He freaked out one night because I muttered something under my breath that referred to my homework situation. He thought it was a guy saying "that feels good". He has thought he has heard other people in my dorm room before when it was just me.
I realize this sounds like mental illness (I have no prejudice against mental illness. I am ill. He basically nursed me back to health). But because he refuses to see a therapist I am am compelled to think of alternatives.
Maybe because these other girls he has really cared for betrayed him, he is expecting it from me even after four years? He says he trusts me and I believe he thinks he does (he doesn't lie to me. Not even "does this make me look fat?" situations. He says its entrapment and refuses to answer).
But he always tells me if a girl talks to him. I always tell him when a guy talks to me (classmates, ect.)He expects this. I don't mind. I respect that he has been hurt. But he acts weird for the rest of the conversation. But when I had lunch in the cafeteria with a few friends and a guy I knew from middle school (who he knows but I don't know how well)and I dreaded telling him. He even asked why I sounded like I had done something wrong. I felt like he would see it as almost an act of betrayal that I had lunch with one of the only people from my middle school who was not a complete jerk. We didn't even eat alone together. I would have never asked him to eat alone with me!
I don't mind what it puts me through when he gets like this, but I can't stand the hurt that I know he feels. He is usually wonderfully caring and is always there when my symptoms show up. I just want to care for him the same way he cares for me. I want to heal his wounds so that he doesn't hurt any more. I know this will be hard or impossible, but I will do whatever it takes. I love him, and unless he asks me to go I will never abandon him.
I am very sorry if any of this upsets anyone here. Believe me that is the last thing I want to do, but you are the only people I can think of who can help me. I just want to help some one who has been betrayed by those he has truly cared about. Girls that he thought he loved.
Please help.
Thank you for your understanding.

inconnu posted 3/1/2014 13:59 PM

But because he refuses to see a therapist I am compelled to think of alternatives.

Respectfully, no, you're not compelled. You can't fix him, only he can do the fixing, and he has to want to. Which would include going to IC (individual counseling) if that's what it takes.

Have you shared with him that you've found survivinginfidelity.com? He could benefit from spending some time here, even if it's just reading from the Healing Library.

UnexpectedSong posted 3/1/2014 14:34 PM

I want to heal his wounds so that he doesn't hurt any more.

You cannot heal him. You cannot change him.

Can you be with him like this for the next 50 years? If so, then it's all good. Do what works for you.

PhoenixRisen posted 3/1/2014 15:07 PM

A patterns of your words jumped out at me

I can't stand the hurt that I know he feels

I want to heal his wounds so that he doesn't hurt any more

I will do whatever it takes

I will never abandon him.

sorry if any of this upsets anyone here. Believe me that is the last thing I want to do

I just want to help


You seem very caring and wanting to help him and those around you.

Have you ever heard of Co-dependence? It's a feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking and the tendency to put others' need before your own.

I'm Co-dependent so I think that is why I'm seeing it in you. We tend to me very kind and loving AND magnets to people who are initially are kind and loving but then become controlling and wind up really hurting us. I wonder if that is what is going on in your relationship.

I could be wrong but it sounds like his is starting to control you (you have to tell him when a man talks to you) And now you had an innocent lunch but feel he'll spin it to an act of betrayal. That is manipulative behavior.

I'm worried about you.

All abusive relationships start with control and manipulation.

You may want to read the book Codependent No More
and talk to an counselor - just to bounce some ideas around

Like I said, I could be wrong but your story is similar to the beginning of my own relationship. And now, when I look back I see a situation like this as a red flag that I had ignored.

Be safe.

absolut posted 3/1/2014 16:01 PM

I think it's a tactic of abusers and manipulators to portray themselves as victims, pathetic, hurt, wounded, etc. It's a way to gain your confidence and compliance.

I think you need to see a therapist for yourself and stop worrying about fixing this guy. He is not as helpless as you think, he knows exactly what he is doing.

FaithFool posted 3/1/2014 16:52 PM

You're in college. You're going to mingle with people of both genders.

He sounds paranoid and abusive. I'm sorry, but the others are right. You're walking into a lifetime of misery if you continue with this relationship without therapy for both of you, asap.

phmh posted 3/1/2014 16:58 PM

You're already walking on eggshells and not married to him? Please get some counseling. It sounds like you're in school - it may be available through campus health services.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you can't fix anyone. They need to fix themselves. Also, real, sustained personality change is so rare that it pretty much never happens.

Much of what you've written I could have written when I was in college and met XWH (though I was not yet walking on eggshells and my XWH's controlling ways were less obvious that what you're dealing with.) I wish that I hadn't wasted my 20s and half of my 30s with an insecure, abusive person.

adviseneededplea posted 3/1/2014 17:44 PM

I do have a therapist and a psy. They both say that we sound wonderful together. Thank you everyone for your advice. I am very honest with my Psy and therapist. Rereading that it does sound like I am being controlled. I will admit that I might be a bit codependent. I will talk to my therapist about that. I mainly like to go on about how special he has made me feel that week (from making me soup and toast and cleaning up after me while I was sick to buying me some of my favorite chocolate).
I don't really think he is controlling though. (Of course I would be the last person to realize). But because I was so sick for so long I have given him the opportunity to have so much more power over me than he has ever been willing to accept. I like the amount power he has over me now. I really like surprising him with coffee and mixing it just right. I have always been interested in Dominance and stuff. What is the difference between being co-dependent and having a Submissive's personality?
I will look into the co-dependence stuff and examine it with my mental health providers (therapist and psy).
I have pretty much been on here only a couple of other times (far apart) wondering how to ask what I can do for him. This sort of blow up has never happened before. Mainly he gets upset when other guys start hitting on me. It happens a lot,(maybe that triggers his paranioa) both when he is around and when he isn't. I am a very nice person,and I have been told I am cute. Men seem to mistake my politeness and willingness to talk (in other words I don't brush people off high-handedly) for flirting. I feel like I sound a bit full of myself when I try to bring up my fiancee every time I meet someone, but usually if a guy tries to ask me what I thought about the lecture, about my English story,, ect. I see that look on his face. I have even one guy stop me as I was walking by and ask if I had a boyfriend.
Thank you so much for your concern. I know I sound like I'm not listening, but I promise to talk to my therapist about it!

Bluebird26 posted 3/3/2014 02:41 AM

Please don't marry this man. From what I have read here and my own experience he is manipulating you. My ex did this to me. Run!

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