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Overwhelming remorse from Wbf last night

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lilmonkey posted 3/1/2014 14:15 PM

I have never seen this side to him. We got in a pretty bad fight last night, and although I've seen him cry before about the infidelity, it was not like this.

He broke down in sobs for 10 minutes, refused to let me look at him... Some of his lines that hit me the most:

"What kind of sicko does this to someone so kind and amazing..."
"I hate the person I have become, I feel ashamed and disgusting"
"What are we going to tell our kids if we get married... I am the shameful disgusting husband who cheated on their beautiful perfect mother..."
"She was nothing but puppy love to me, someone who I had known since I was young. You are a true companion, my family, my best friend... How could I have ever done this to you..."
"I hate being out with friends or family and at the back of my mind I know you are thinking the worst about me, thinking that I'm with someone else or lying to you and it kills me inside, I hate knowing how depressed you are because of me, I feel disgusting.."

This was all said through sobbing tears and a lot of snot. By no means is he ever forgiven or justified, but I think it meant a lot to me. I always knew he was remorseful, he would shed tears of shamefulness but this was on another level.

I was pleased to hear this from him but at the same time it was a little concerning. I still love him and don't want the worst upon him, but he is putting the worst upon himself... It sounded like he hated himself last night and he had absolutely no confidence. He was belittling and berating himself, calling himself foul words. I obviously want him to feel bad about what he did and feel ashamed but when we are trying to R, I don't think him getting this upset about his actions is a good thing... we cannot get over the infidelity if both of us have not healed.

Does anyone have advice or similar situations?

karmahappens posted 3/1/2014 14:20 PM

The tears and statements are nice to hear/see. He NEEDS to feel this pain. You can't heal through this without a lot of time, healing and work.

Sit back and see what he does with this new found pain. He needs put it to work.

Watch for actions to back up his statements.

Don't make it better for him, this is his wrong to right.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:21 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

Hosea posted 3/1/2014 17:35 PM


I think most Betrayed Spouses, male or female, would kill for this kind of contrition.

Don't be disturbed by it, or troubled- if the remorse is so powerfully affecting to the Wayward it is going to help immunize him against future betrayals. (It's not a guarantee, but it's a hell of a lot more assuring than a partner who does the opposite...)

His pain will diminish-- he will not stay in this state. But take some comfort in it; it's a promising sign.

"By no means is he ever forgiven or justified, but I think it meant a lot to me."

He will never be justified, but forgiveness isn't about that. It's about unmerited grace. If you want to build a future with him, it will be a lot easier if you can reach a place where you forgive him, and you tell him so.

It's about as beautiful a gesture of selfless love as a human can grant-- and a future built on profound contrition and selfless forgiveness can be a beautiful one.

mainlyinpain posted 3/3/2014 16:49 PM


Did he say why he had been looking at her FB page?
Regret/remorse he showed was great but you don't want it to turn that he is the victim, that he's the one in pain. How much remorse was there if he is still looking? And what if you had not found out?

Another thread recently talked about the WS dramatic showing of contrition where he lay down in a fetal position sobbing and the responses were that this sounded histrionic. And made him the victim who needed comforting.

Probably not the case here, but only you can judge what you saw. Was he also offering you comfort??

painfulpast posted 3/3/2014 20:26 PM

Does anyone have advice or similar situations?

lilmonkey - be careful. His words are filled with "I" statements. imo, he's trying to 'convince' you of how sorry he is. He compliments you, talks of the future, claims his hatred of himself is too much to bear. Yes, I've seen this before - many times, right here on SI. Often, if the BS rejects this 'display' of remorse, the WS becomes angry, hostile, and things get nasty.

I hope that isn't your case, but it happens a great deal. Please, just be careful.

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