I was in the belief that R was or is going well.But at this point I am not sure.We are well over 4 years out.He went right away NC after DDay,at is was a very short lived A anyways.I am embarrassed to admit that now at almost five year mark I just now cought on to something maybe not ok.I dont know if its because of me or him.He did everything right.There was no TT. He answered questions over and over and still does without getting defensive.He holds me when I cry.He says on regular bases he is sorry.He changed for the good.He is present,loves spending time with the kids and me.In other words he is really doing all he can. he always asks me what else there is he can do.
Now lets talk about me a bit.I havent done much honestly.I still feel like I am doing time for a crime I didnt commit.I am still so,so hurt by this.I still bring it up very often.I am able to have fun on daily bases.I dont think I have severe depression because I do all kinds of things alone and with my kids that I truly enjoy.BUT its always in the back of my head.That nagging voice,saying,oh my life would be so wonderful,its just not because of the A.Btw his A only lasted about a month,and they saw each other three times a total.There was not much texting,no pics exchange,no going out,nothing.So compared to a LTA,this is nothing.I saw people here who made it trough this shit and have went trough way worse stuff then I did.
So I am wondering,am I the problem here now? H says please try to let it go and move on and be present and be happy.Which I am its just that I want this to be gone and the pain to stop.But it doesnt.And now I confused because I dont if I just wasted almost 5 years.Because I am not saying R is not going ok,it feels like I am stuck.Sometimes I think H is right when he asks me to try to move on a bit at least.He never says it in a rushing annoyed way,it sounds and is more helpful caring meant.And then I think oh wait a min.hell no,why would I move on and act like nothing ever happend and he gets away with it?While I still give OW way more headspace then I should.I try not to but I cant help it,I cant forget her face,its burnt in my memory forever I am afraid I dont know what to do anymore,. ....any advice please? Thanks