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Mommato5 posted 3/1/2014 15:14 PM

Having a really hard time with this one! I have 5 kids.

Age18 (boy) rocked his world. Having a very hard time. Making poor choices.

Age 16 (boy). Quiet. Won't talk to me. Has only said "its ok mom. You will be happy again". Talk about breaking my heart!

Age 13 (girl). Quiet, bratty. Cries a lot at school. (Very out of character). Doesnt enjoy what she used to. ( specifically her horse, the love of her life)

Age 6 ( boy). Mad at me becuase "im mean to dad". Oh honey, if you only knew!

Age 5 (boy). Mad also, but also overly clingy to me. My new sleeping partner. (Love it!)

I am a stay at home mom and have considered parenting one of my greatest gifts. I can talk about , penises, drugs, birds and the bees without batting an eye.

I am at a loss here.

Struggling to get through the day. Dont want to let them down like dad did.


Breezy150 posted 3/1/2014 15:30 PM

I don't have any advice, I am struggling with my kids too and they are adults. My youngest is 18 and lived at home in her senior year of high school until DDay, now she mad as heck making terrible choices. My two older ones are struggling I see it, they wonder if any marriage can last, or at least not be filled with infidelity. They are both married so I feel really bad for them.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Hopefully someone will have some advice we could both use.

strangeasfiction posted 3/1/2014 16:17 PM

Mommato5 -

There always seem to be more questions than answers. A good friend of mine told me something incredibly valuable and comforting last night, though. I was crying in front of my 3 year old son, the first time he had ever seen me cry. He asked me if I was crying and at first I just put my head in my hands. Then he said, "Daddy is playing peekaboo!" At which point, obviously, I totally lost it. He asked again if I were crying and I said yes but that daddy is ok. The conversastion was so sweet and painful.

"Daddy, are you crying? Daddy has tears running down his face. Can I sit on daddy's lap?"

He was a little bit scared at first, I think, but somehow knew exactly what I needed at that moment. I told my friend about it because I was upset and she sent me this email:

Tell him daddy is crying, daddy is sad. It's okay to be sad sometimes - everyone gets sad. Kids fear the way people react to emotions, not the emotions themselves.

That's all I have for you, mommato5. It might not be much but those words meant a lot to me. Hang in there and stay strong.

tushnurse posted 3/1/2014 20:02 PM

Your older children deserve to know the truth. They also need to show you some respect. Tell them it's ok to be angry and upset you are too. However, you will always be there for them you will always love them.

Your younger kids just need lots of love from you and their older siblings.
Do not allow them to be mad at you or blame you. That's all on dad.

(((and strength)))

StuckinNJagain posted 3/1/2014 21:22 PM

My heart goes out to you. I am 7 weeks out and separated but living in same house. I have a 16 & 12 yr old. Both very emotional. I Havent told them yet for fear of those same reactions. I know they need to know at some point (if they dont know alread). Youngest has asked why i am sad and i try to hide it. Hoping IC will help me figureout best way to limit these reactions.
Stay strong. Keep movin forward.

scarednbroken posted 3/1/2014 23:36 PM

I struggle with this also. My DS17 (18 in a few days!!!) already knows what WH is doing. He is outraged that I have let this go on for so long. He wants me to get the D out and over. Doesn't understand the importance of ducks lining up. DD15 may know a little, but not much. I am afraid to ask. She is outraged that WH is so mean and angry at US all of the time. DS13 is in angst mode. No one makes him happy bc no one lets him do what he wants (XBOX 24/7 lol). Step daughter 28 knows nothing. She is is separate from us now that anything will be a shock.

First and foremost your kids need you. As a child of D, a strong, supportive parent is essential! Be a role model. That doesn't mean you have no emotions. If you are sad, be sad. Say why - in age appropriate terms. Try not to alienate the "other parent." That parent will so the damage on their own.

hugs ans strength for you Momma....

Sadmumma posted 3/2/2014 06:08 AM

hi mumma to 5.. I'm mumma to 6..

in the past 4 weeks (since D day) I too have noticed

Miss 13 (the princess). Is withdrawing from everything. wants to stay at home..not go to school, dance classes (formerly a social butterfly). does not want me to leave her side. cries a lot.

Miss 11. Angry, has withdrawn from others. Very clingy with me (was previously daddys girl)

Miss 9 angry, throws tantrums, blaming

Miss 7 angry, clingy your mr 6 she tells me "its your fault dads not living here... why wont you ask him to come back"

Miss 5.. teary...comes down and hops into my bed every night

Miss 10 change.. just a happy, smiley little bubba :)

I have noticed, for what its worth the shift in my girls from grief to anger in the past 2 weeks... I think the 3 middle ones feed off each other and have lined up councelling sessions individually and as a group (without me)... they had their first one last week. WH of course thinks its a load of rubbish and "they'll be fine".

Being a large family we are very routined, as it works best for us. I let the behaviour go in the first few weeks, and let them have their tantrums, etc. If they werent up to going to after school activities I didnt push it. But the last couple of weeks, I've been a bit firmer with this.

yearsofpain25 posted 3/2/2014 07:16 AM

I would say engage them. Age appropriate of course. What I mean by that is this. When I was 16 I found out about my mother's A, sat my father down and told him, and then proceeded to "check out" of the family and many aspects of life. Looking back as a 40 year old now, there was no way I was going to talk to my parents or anyone about it. I started to act out, yada yada yada, 25 years later I have a mountain of issues. Even though I probably would not have talked to either of my parents, especially my mother as she became dead to me as a parent on DDay, I wish that someone would have talked to me. Let me know what is going on in those heads of theirs. I could see a lot fo crazy stuff going on and I had no idea why they were doing certain things or what they were thinking.

My advice is to engage them. Age appropriately of course. Talk with them not at them. If the older one's don't know the truth, time to tell them. Not the gory details of course and not to make WS look bad, but so they know WHY things are the way they are. Maybe you go first to break the ice. Tell them how you are feeling about everything. NOT the crazy things that run around your head, but more like I feel very sad because of... I have a hard time thinking straight right now because of... I feel like this and here's WHY. Getting that WHY I think is critical. Let the older one's know that their opinions and thoughts matter to you. Let them know that you are still the parent and that disrespect will not be tolerated and will have consequences. But let them express themselves. Remember that all of the kids are hurting just as bad as you are. If WS can show remorse in any way, that will also help. Much like the BS needs some remorse to heal, kids often need it too. And of course IC is good if it's possible. Remember that the younger one's may have a hard time articulating how they feel and may not be able to say what they feel. The older kids may rebel and not answer anything you may ask (I was in that category). But if you keep trying, know matter how hard it is, or how hard they may get, and if you let them know how you are feeling and the WHY behind what is going on in the house along with WHY you feel certain things, you may wear them down a bit to get them to open up. Engage them. Not every day. And especially when you are having one of those really bad days and you are a complete mess. Engage them when you are calm and can think clearly. And yes, it's good for them to see you have some emotion so that they know you are feeling bad.

I'm a parent of three and that's what I would do with my own kids. I'm here on SI because I'm a BC (betrayed child) now an adult dealing with my issues from my FOO (family of origin).

Good luck to you.

Wishing ALL of you and your families strength to get through this.

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