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What does remorse/emotions look like

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Lethealbegin posted 3/1/2014 16:11 PM

Hi i hear my Ws tell me how horrible, disgusting and etc the A was to me sees my pain wish he could take it away. He says all the right things but words do not mean anything to me.

How do I see his pain and remorse? He does not cry. It does not look sad. He says he is mad at himself. Then that is words.

I guess I am looking for remorse emotions. What do the look like?

authenticnow posted 3/1/2014 16:14 PM

I think remorse is more about actions. When you ask questions is he answering them willingly, without resentment? Has he given you his passwords and access to everything, without you having to push?

Does he ask you what you need? How is he making you feel safe? All these things, IMO, exhibit true remorse.

LA44 posted 3/1/2014 16:20 PM

I am so sorry Lethealbegin.

I find remorseful behavior in actions more so than words. My H would say to me, "If you give me another chance, I promise you won't regret it".

Okay. So show me I would say. And he did.

One of the first things he did was go out and buy the book, After the Affair. I saw him reading it every spare moment. He would answer all my questions patiently over and over again. He got himself into IC and booked all our MC appointments. That kind of thing.

I only saw him cry twice but the tears don't mean much to me. Anyone can cry. It doesn't mean they are remorseful. It was the behavior that told me he was genuinely sorry. And it wasn't just with me - he was doing things around the house, taking more time with our boys. He was trying so hard.

I notice you joined SI in 2011. What do you see with regards to your H actions?

[This message edited by LA44 at 4:21 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

steadfast1973 posted 3/1/2014 16:23 PM

It's hard. Wh has cried twice. On dday2 and once just before Valentine's Day. You know what? Three times. He also cried on my birthday. Because it was the first time he saw me smile in a month. So only a handful, especially compared to the many times i have cried in the last almost 4 months. Most of the time... He is not sad. Or doesn't show it. Truthfully... The fact that He's actually showing ANY emotions at all, besides anger, which is pretty new for him, is amazing.

But... If i cry, he holds me. If i ask questions he answers them, and save 2 slips (once on dday2 and the other day, where his first inclination was to lie, but he caught it, and told the truth, immediately) honestly and with candor. Even some pretty embarrassing and damning stuff. He is more present. More affectionate.

Regret still focuses on how they feel about what they did, remorse is focused on how what they did makes YOU feel. If that makes any sense.

tushnurse posted 3/1/2014 16:27 PM

Regret still focuses on how they feel about what they did, remorse is focused on how what they did makes YOU feel. If that makes any sense.

This is absolutely it. The difference is profound and I could feel it in my soul.

No anger, no rage, no guilt, no eggshells. Just kind words, quiet support, and love.

LA44 posted 3/1/2014 16:31 PM

remorse is focused on how what they did makes YOU feel. If that makes any sense.

Makes total sense Steadfast!

reallysad2012 posted 3/1/2014 22:44 PM

Regret still focuses on how they feel about what they did, remorse is focused on how what they did makes YOU feel.

This is a spot on description of it, Steadfast.

I knew I had a remorseful fWH right away. The day after DDay he spent the day researching how to fix this mess and presented me that evening with all his passwords and showed me how to track him with his phone. I never thought to ask for that stuff. He also didn't eat for days after Dday and was the one who lost weight. My appetite, oddly, was fine. He cleaned the house. He was completely concerned with how I was feeling. He still is (17 months out).

Lethealbegin posted 3/2/2014 10:14 AM

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Yes I am watching the actions. Sometimes I feel like he is not doing it fast enough. I feel like he should dive into everything to fix himself and etc... He is doing some stuff but it is like pulling off a band aid. He is going so slow!!!! I am losing patients.

I have told him this and has stepped it up. But is it enough??
I hate this whole thing

LA44 posted 3/2/2014 10:29 AM

I have told him this and has stepped it up. But is it enough??

That's a question only you can answer, Lethealbegin. If its not enough, you can feel it. You know it in your heart. Don't settle for someone doing "just enough".

FeelingSoMuch posted 3/2/2014 10:30 AM

Devil's advocate: Sometimes they do show remorse and we're not ready to take it in.

I only bring that up because this is something I'm struggling with.

WW has apologized 100s of times and it still doesn't feel like enough.

Good luck to you. Stay strong.

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