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old anger surfaces - working it out

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morethantrying posted 3/1/2014 18:28 PM

One year out and triggered by "date night". I realized that WS had "date night" with the OWs when I was taking care of hearth and home...even encouraging him to go out and relax becasue he works so hard. I got angry. He comforted me. I did not share why I was upset though he was great and asked me about it and was willing.

why I didn't share? Because I have found at this point there is NO point...for me and my emotional health. In fact if I do share..drag it up all again by TALKING I feel so much worse. It helps to talk to a certain extent and then it seems it does NOT help but only turns to anger and rumination. I can think, feel and journal, but that will do for me and my recovery at this point I think. I am trying this now because I found that I FEEL WORSE as saying the words out loud triggers feelings anew that have been calming down and stirs it up again.

I am not denying my feelings, just dealing with them in a way that is best healthy for me. By getting comfort I feel reassured. But I do not feel too much worse. I do not want to stir up angry feelings any more than I must.

But I did get triggered and that was hard. But I realized that I was angry at the him THEN not the him NOW...that makes for an odd feeling going on there.

So how to calm down from that? I try to recenter myself. Try to turn anger to compassion...he must has been pretty much screwed up, in pain, to do such a is not like him to care so little for anyone feelings (especially me)...but he didn't at the time and that is hard for me to know and accept. But it is the past. The past. The past and harboring anger in the present does not change it and in fact will ruin my present with the WS now.

It s okay to have those feeling of anger, but realize that I am angry about the past and not the present. As it is anger about the past, put it with the past and leave it there. That is ok. You can remember you were angry about the past event without feeling the anger and hurt anew.

You just remember that is how you felt about a past event but you do not feel it anew. That is healthy for me, better for me and for us...I can remember the event and the feeling I felt about it, but not feel the feeling is okay not to go there is okay.

It is hard to do all this though. Sometimes it is hard.

[This message edited by morethantrying at 6:31 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

EaglesWings posted 3/1/2014 19:11 PM

Maybe cause we're the same age, but I really get what you're saying!!! I have those feelings, feel them deal with them and move on. I have asked myself if I am rug sweeping, avoiding conflict etc. But I have found that many times I can deal alone. If the issue continues to bother me after a good nights sleep, journaling, prayer... Then I share. But often I am free to move on. Glad to know I'm not alone in that.

morethantrying posted 3/1/2014 19:26 PM

I am so glad you posted! Yes, I am glad I am not alone too. I do not think it is rug sweeping as that would be to deny your feelings...rather it is handling them in a different way, one that works for is about my healiing and how to do best for me. I have found that I when I worried I was rug sweeping and talked about them it did not really help...I would feel worse for quite some time.

Yes, perhaps our age, and I have been married for a long time...I know who he really is...I do...and I know that he is truly remorseful and sorry and to bring it up, to talk and get it out, does not bring out loving feelings and when at my age time is of the essence so it is okay to deal alone...

but nice to know that somewhere in the world there is someone else feeling the exact same and same struggle and that REALLY HELPS...we are not alone...thanks for responding

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:27 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

Dreamland posted 3/1/2014 22:45 PM

I'm almost three years out. I tend to keep things bottled up now. Not worth it and he's always getting offended and then upset. It really pisses me off because he expects an easy going life and as long as I don't stir the pot. What can I DDay I'm tired of this M.. I'm not happy but I have no choice

Scubachick posted 3/2/2014 00:22 AM

Makes a lot of sense. It crazy how the anger comes back so quickly from a trigger. I'm going to try this and see if it works for me. Thanks for sharing.

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