I guess one difference is that I'm still free to date others? Though I'm not sure this will kill the attraction, seeing as we had reduced contact once before, until my (also single!) coworker-friend started flirting and we went out on some quasi-dates and MM came swooping back in for more attention. This past week my friend was again hovering around my desk and we went out for coffees, a lunch, and a movie on Friday night. He's actually a great friend, has been so sweet and supportive, the one person to tell me "for what it's worth I think you did the right thing," and I figure it is good to keep busy rather than sit at home and miss MM, so it's not like I should avoid him right?
Because the 180 is alleged to have the side-effect of pulling WS attention back to the BS... not killing the desire for contact.
I think in your case detachment is the ultimate goal. The 180 is about focusing on yourself. In a sense that's what you need. However, the difference is that the goal is for permanent NC.
I think spending time with that friend is a good idea. He is aware of the situation with MM so he knows what the score is, right?
NC is to break the other person's attachment to you and to keep you from engaging with an unhealthy person in an unhealthy way. It's to set up barricades between you and the other person so that you are not harmed again, sucked back into their sphere of influence/drama, and to keep in place healthy barriers.
Yes, they have some cross-over, however it's the focus that is the difference, if you will. IMO, of course.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Of course he's a little imp, last week specifically left a chair open next to me for MM to sit between us, the better to amuse himself with the drama. And in retrospect it may also have been his influence that resulted in me leading yoga practice for him and some other guys directly outside MM's office, and of course MM decided to stay late to watch... but hey, he's 22, can't expect too much maturity right?
2. You did not have to lead yoga in front of the mm.
You too are still playing games. You CAN shut it down. You don't have to be the office joke. You CAN be the mature one. Take personal responsibility.
I would find another job. It's too tempting.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
You can not be friends with this MM. It's not possible. You already said you tried ending it before but went back to him.
You can't have an affectionate friendship. You need to have boundaries. You helped destroy his marriage. He used you for a side piece. He's not friend, he's not an upstanding, trustworthy person. Why would you want a friend like this?
And the 22 year old, just using you for fun drama? Again, why do you need a friend like that?
Boundaries, work on you, so you can respect and love yourself.
I assume he's an engineer like yourself (from another thread - again, sorry). If so, he should be able to find work soon enough. How long has he been with the firm you're with? I'm sure they'll give him a good reference.
Meanwhile, I would actually suggest full NC. You've mentioned that basically everyone at your office knows, so just tell your boss (the owner, not MM) that you would rather not be on projects he's working on. Don't sit near him. No more anything outside his window.
It's not a difficult as it seems. If you've told his wife, then just imagine the hell that is happening in her head, and her life. You felt badly for her, so just think of her.
Sorry you're fighting this. Hopefully, he'll be gone soon.
You are having impromptu Yoga class in front of MM office?
How do you expect to be respected as an intelligent female when the men are probably taking bets on who can bed you next?
You continue to disrespect his wife by having any contact with this man.
You comment on your friend's maturity. Look in the mirror.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Also I am fine with a reputation as a slut. I like sex, don't believe in any religion, and I'm single- not cheating on someone I love. If people want to judge based on their own moral values, that's fine, but they aren't my values so I don't care and it's not an effective way to pressure me to change.
What is your goal in regards to AP?
Also I am fine with a reputation as a slut. I like sex, don't believe in any religion, and I'm single- not cheating on someone I love. If people want to judge based on their own moral values, that's fine, but they aren't my values so I don't care and it's not an effective way to pressure me to change
You seem fine with what's going on and comfortable with your moral code. Why join an infidelity site? What type of support are you looking for?
What are you looking for here, then? People usually come on here trying to make positive changes in their life.You seem fine with what's going on and comfortable with your moral code. Why join an infidelity site? What type of support are you looking for?
I joined the site when considering how to end the affair and whether to disclose to his BS. This is the first time I've been involved with a married man, and I don't want to get involved with another one!! Also I was hoping for advice on how to work side-by-side with MM, seeing as I don't want to leave and apparently neither does he. None of that requires that I stop openly honestly dating multiple also-single men.
My opinion is that you are enjoying messing with MM and eventually it will lead you back to the A, unless you change your mindset. It sounds like it's a bit of a game to you.
by 210012:hoping for advice on how to work side-by-side with MM,
Business appropriate, bare minimum contact.
Take the yoga lessons to a neutral site away from the office.
Keep your private life (dates, flirting, etc) PRIVATE.
Continue to work on and improve your body language.
Refrain from discussing your prior R with AP at the office or with co-workers.
You are young, by all means, go and have fun. Just don't have fun with the fellow workers or they will be laughing at you behind your back.
As for the "friend" that wanted to see the drama, drop him. He is NOT a friend. A true friend has your back and will oftentimes tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.
Him putting a seat for the MM next to you, so not cool at all. Matter of fact, sounds like he is laughing at you and the MM. He is a drama queen, he should have left that crap in H.S. He is screwing around with peoples lives. Bet the BS wouldn't want to see that nonsense.
Refrain from discussing your prior R with AP at the office or with co-workers
My opinion is that you are enjoying messing with MM and eventually it will lead you back to the A, unless you change your mindset. It sounds like it's a bit of a game to you.†
I hope not... I realize I've spent quite a bit of mental energy on him recently, but I only ended it one week ago and I'm still trying to adjust to the new reality at work. The affair lasted for a year and a half, including several months when his wife went abroad and he spent a lot of time with me - this wasn't some meaningless fling (that would have been much easier to resist!).
210012: Things I've read suggested that an affair should be widely disclosed to kill it and that one of the reasons affairs are addictive is the secrecy?
The A has already been exposed to his wife and around the office. No reason to talk about it in the office if you are attempting to tame things between you and AP.
Talk here, talk to a neutral (non-work) friend, talk to your mother or sister, talk to an IC, just keep it out of the office.
How long has AP been married? Is there a chance his wife will leave him? If not, do you think he may need to find another place of employment, as I mentioned previously?
I'm just wondering really about the length of their relationship and if they have kids. How easy would it be for her to leave?