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What do you do with the details

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turtle72 posted 3/2/2014 06:16 AM

I am putting my WS hat on for this question. Not really sure what I am looking for so bear with me here.

I relate emotionally to music and have been doing aversion therapy with my itunes - forcing myself to listen to everything on shuffle (including all the Kidzbop!) I can now listen to our (WH#2) wedding songs and sometimes feel happiness about them. But there is one song I keep skipping. I made myself listen to it Friday and had to pull over I felt so sick. I haven't listened to it in four years. It was WH#1 (Gonnabe) and my wedding song.

During my A I made the MOM (WH#2) a cd. I put that wedding song on it and had told the MOM in text that it was Gonnabe and I's wedding song but I thought of him when I heard it. Gonnabe read that when he found my phone.

So while I am already heading down the hole of shame another memory pops in my head. When Gonnabe had his A he had been texting the MOW while grocery shopping with my 3 yr old son in the cart. I could never let that one go "HOW could you text her right in front of that smiley little face that looks just like me?" He would just hang his head and say IDK. Welp, during my A I texted the MOM during freaking church and joked about how the homily was about fidelity. Gonnabe read that too and my defense was actually that I was in the cry room with the kids, it wasn't like I was texting out in the main church.

I know my why's, I have put in a lot of work into fixing what was broken. The latest betrayal by WH#2 has put some new cracks in me - but they aren't foundational. WH#2's A has been a huge test of the work I have done. I am actually proud of myself.

I did a lot of things during the A that I am ashamed of, so I am not sure why these two details of the A are coming back now, but what do you do when details like this come back and punch you in the gut? Do you dismiss them - you aren't that person anymore? Or do you examine each one?

I don't have a BS to give a specific apology to. When he read about these things I basically told him to get over it because I was leaving him. Gonnabe and I have done a post mortem of our life together with tears and apologies on both sides. I suppose I could tell him I was thinking of these things and wanted to say how sorry I was - but that would open this back up for him and he has moved on. Seems selfish.

I have had a stomach ache for two days thinking about this.

AML04 posted 3/2/2014 07:08 AM

I honestly don't know. If you and Gonnabe have already "made peace" as much as possible, I'd leave it be. Feel the feelings and try to let them go. If you truly aren't that person anymore, there's no sense in holding on to them. Just don't forget how it made you feel to realize you were once the type of person who could do those things.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure how helpful this is. I could feel your pain over this and wanted to respond.

Unagie posted 3/2/2014 08:43 AM

Feel it, dont run from it and acknowledge those emotions and then yes close the chapter on them. xSO never wanted details especially now that we're separated so it's how I handle them. I process and it takes a long time, examine how I could do something so callous, what were my justifications and then I try to let go of the pain. Some have been easy, others not so much. I wish you peace with these memories.

turtle72 posted 3/2/2014 09:07 AM

Thank you both!

badchoice posted 3/2/2014 10:47 AM

I too struggle since BW and I are separated, and trying to maintain NC.

Examining past behaviors, and how did I give myself permission to do them, is important in my healing. That causes stress and feelings of depression at times. Examine what the feelings are underneath the stomach ache are. Allow yourself to feel them.

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