I am putting my WS hat on for this question. Not really sure what I am looking for so bear with me here.
I relate emotionally to music and have been doing aversion therapy with my itunes - forcing myself to listen to everything on shuffle (including all the Kidzbop!) I can now listen to our (WH#2) wedding songs and sometimes feel happiness about them. But there is one song I keep skipping. I made myself listen to it Friday and had to pull over I felt so sick. I haven't listened to it in four years. It was WH#1 (Gonnabe) and my wedding song.
During my A I made the MOM (WH#2) a cd. I put that wedding song on it and had told the MOM in text that it was Gonnabe and I's wedding song but I thought of him when I heard it. Gonnabe read that when he found my phone.
So while I am already heading down the hole of shame another memory pops in my head. When Gonnabe had his A he had been texting the MOW while grocery shopping with my 3 yr old son in the cart. I could never let that one go "HOW could you text her right in front of that smiley little face that looks just like me?" He would just hang his head and say IDK. Welp, during my A I texted the MOM during freaking church and joked about how the homily was about fidelity. Gonnabe read that too and my defense was actually that I was in the cry room with the kids, it wasn't like I was texting out in the main church.
I know my why's, I have put in a lot of work into fixing what was broken. The latest betrayal by WH#2 has put some new cracks in me - but they aren't foundational. WH#2's A has been a huge test of the work I have done. I am actually proud of myself.
I did a lot of things during the A that I am ashamed of, so I am not sure why these two details of the A are coming back now, but what do you do when details like this come back and punch you in the gut? Do you dismiss them - you aren't that person anymore? Or do you examine each one?
I don't have a BS to give a specific apology to. When he read about these things I basically told him to get over it because I was leaving him. Gonnabe and I have done a post mortem of our life together with tears and apologies on both sides. I suppose I could tell him I was thinking of these things and wanted to say how sorry I was - but that would open this back up for him and he has moved on. Seems selfish.
I have had a stomach ache for two days thinking about this.